Thursday, December 2, 2010

I can make it, I can make it

OK I am trying to put on my big girl pants and make it through this Christmas season without loosing it. I have felt pretty good since the balloon release, but I can't help but think "this would have been Carley's 1st Christmas". I would have those ornaments all over the tree and I would be getting her "1st Christmas presents". Getting those pictures taken to send out to all family and friends. Instead I am buying for other children none for me.

I will be glad when 2010 is soon to be over because it Sucked for me. I guess I am just slipping back into the gloom of being a mother with no children here and a woman that will never again feel the kicks of a unborn baby in my womb. It is funny how grief can come and go like it does. Just a few days ago I wrote that I was better and felt I was moving on with my life and now I am slipping back into the sadness.

I know God has a plan but I just wish that he gave Preview Trailers like the movies do.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jan - You can make and it you you will. I think this blog has been so good for you to release these emotions. All you feel, the different mood cycles, the ups and downs, are all a healthy part of mourning the loss of a loved one especially a child, but you are also mourning the dream of carrying your own child, but do know that your dream of being a parent can still be very real and alive. Keep that dream going! You are a beautiful soul and I love you very much! I'm very proud of the woman you've become and you are withstanding some tough circumstances with grace! - JM Tripp

Jan said...

Thank You JJ... I love you too

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