Hard Day

Today has been very hard for me and I am not really sure why.... I have been having a rough month with missing Carley and "My Dream"... I was in a very low mood today and tonight and thought I would look up some poems that may help me and I found this poem and wanted to share it with you.



Dear God,
Please hold my unborn child in your ever-loving embrace.
Please let my child know that my love can't be erased.
Please bless me on this earth and help to ease the pain.
Please plant a seed within my baby's heart of sunshine, not of rain.
Please help the days get easier and the nights go quickly by.
Please hold my hand when I can't do anything- but cry.
Please increase my faith so I believe my baby is with You.
Please forgive me when my sadness makes me come completely unglued.
Please let my baby know that there'll always be a place-
within my heart, just for my baby, full of Divine Grace.
And, when You call me Home to Your Kingdom up above-
Please let me hold the baby-
I never held...
but, always loved.
Author Unknown

I feel every word of this poem or prayer... I feel this way every single day of my life... And I know people are going to be upset if anybody reads this but I wish the day would hurry up and come where I could be with my babies... I can't help but wonder if they need me to hold them, to kiss them, to love them, do they need the love that only there Mother can give them... Hear lately I have cried myself to sleep if I sleep at all, or I have cried all day long for my babies... 

My husband won't adopt and I want a child in my life... I need a child in my life... I just wish that is God is dead set on me not having a child in my life that he would just take the hurt, the longing, the desire, and the need for a child out of my heart for good....

I love you Carley Noel and Miss you every single day!!!

New

While I was on a short vacation last week I went into a shop that had Snow babies figurines and I found one that I just had to have... I have I guess what you will call a little shrine of different things that I consider for Carley and this is the newest one.

It is called Angel of My Heart.... 

Depressed

I am in a terrible funk and feel the black hole that I have sunk into is going to swallow me whole... The only real way to express my feelings here lately have not been to healthy for me but feel as if they are the only way...

Getting ready for a family vacation and I am excited because I get to spend the whole week spoiling my cousins kids (he is 9 months younger than me and has 3 of the most beautiful kids)... I know this week is going to make me wish I was a mother even more cause his kids are so lovable and love to cuddle which I will do with them every second they will let me...

I am hoping that the time I spend with his wife who is a really good listener and gives good advice will help me with some life decision that I am looking at... I know that life is not fair and that life is what you make of it but how do you know if you are doing the right things in life???

How do you know what to do in life??? How do you know when to give up on a dream??? How do you know if you should listen to your heart or your head when they are telling you two different things??? Just how do I live my life with no child in it??? As I write this I feel numb, I feel as if no part of my heart knows what I should do... I want a child so badly but husband refuses to adopt and it is not up for discussion... I am just so lost in what I want and what I know I am going to get in this life... 

I mean lets face it I can't work cause of my stupid body and leg just won't let me... I mean I could work but I would face loosing my leg and I know it is just a leg but still it is apart of me and has been for 30years... I know that the Dr's say it is in my best health interest in not working but people just don't understand you would think it is great to be told you can't work and to just be at home all the time but when you feel like your home is a prison in which you can't run from what then???

I am not a homebody, I am a people person and have been my whole life, and now I am at home all day with just myself and I will tell you right now that is not good for me cause I have never liked to be at home all the time... I have never liked to be by myself a lot I was a only child and I was alone most of that time.. yea I had my parents but do parents really understand there children... UMM NO they don't

I know that I am limited in my life but should I limit my happiness on that too??? I just feel you get one life and you should be happy I know that life isn't always happy but hell I haven't been happy in 2 years since Carley was taken from me and I know that a child can not make you happy but I feel as if I would have a purpose to my life.... 

And right now I feel I have no purpose, I feel as if I am just here taking up space and air and that is a very lonely and sad way to live a life... Tell you from experience.....

.....

I try every day to make people happy. I try every day to do the right things in life, I try every day to do everything I can the right way... But I am so tried of trying and it seems as if I still don't do anything right....

I know that I am only human and I that I am not perfect nor do I ever want to be perfect but I do want to feel appreciated and loved... I know that I am a very hard person to live with I am sure, and I know that all my friends tell me that I am too hard on myself that I need to give myself some credit but I can't help but think that I am not doing enough or have done enough... I know that there are things in my life that I can not control and oh how I wish that I could... If I could I would be a Mom (which is something I know will never happen), I would have my dream job back (which is also something I know that will never happen), I would be a independent person again and not having to depend on people to do stuff for me.. 

I know that my life could be so much worse I understand that completely but when you have always had your own money and done your on things in life to now be stuck at home with no money, and having to ask permission every time you want to do something it really brings you down.... And I have a dream of being a Mom that I just can't let go of.. What do you do when the other person doesn't have that same dream... We did have that dream when we thought we could have children and now that we can't he won't adopt and just tells me I need to just give up on that dream... I refuse to give up all hope on that dream I have so much love in my heart for a child... 

What am I suppose to do??????

And when do I get to make Myself Happy?????

Trying

Every day I wake up and I try to put one foot in front of the other...

Here this week is going to be really hard. I have a couple that I am very close with that is fixing to have there first baby... I am so happy for them, They are going to make amazing parents... I was asked if I would come and see them when they got home and see their New Bundle of Joy.... At first I said yes of course but now that the week is here I don't know what to do....

I don't want them to think i am selfish and I don't want to ruin there MOMENT!!! I don't want to go there and start to cry and make them feel bad for me... I want to go and show my love and how much I care for them and their new baby but I just don't want to ruin it for them... Any advice???? If anyone is reading????

Why???

Why do things have to happen in life that you wish had happened earlier?????

A lot on my Mind

I know this is my 3rd post today but I just have to get this off my mind... I was watching a movie tonight called "The Help" it is a wonderful movie if you have not seen it yet I am sorry but what I am about to talk about is going to spoil the movie a little bit for you...

There is a part in the movie where one of the wives has suffered a miscarriage and she has suffered several in silence she does not tell her husband about them. She just gets through it the best she can and plants a rose bush for each of her babies....

Now my husband was watching this movie with me in the bed and when it got to that part I had already said good night and turned over cause I have seen the movie before, he has not... He watches the part and just lays down and says nothing about it...

Now this pisses me off to NO END!!! Why won't he acknowledge the fact!!! I know it is a movie but the women is so hurt by this and by feeling unworthy for not giving her husband a child and yet my husband who has seen me go through this 3 times myself says nothing... I feel like I should have never told him... If I was going to have to suffer through this alone and in silence then I feel as if no one should have known about the babies at all... But he did and still NOTHING.... 

I just wish he would understand the hurt I feel when he doesn't acknowledge what I have been through.... I try to be a strong woman, I try to hide my feelings, I try so hard to please everyone, and do what everyone expects me to do BUT I AM SICK AND TRIED OF IT!!! I am sick and tired of thinking of EVERYONE ELSE!!! 

Especially when it feels as if No ONE thinks of me............

Love

These are just a few of my favorite quotes I have found... 

“The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

“The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

“There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.” 
― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” 
― Lao Tzu

“Love is like the wind, you can't see it but you can feel it.” 
― Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember

“Love is needing someone. Love is putting up with someone's bad qualities because they somehow complete you.” 
― Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)I want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)” 
― E.E. Cummings

“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Loves is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It dose not take offense and is not resentful. Love take no pleasure in others people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.” 
― Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember

“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

“What's meant to be will always find a way” 
― Trisha Yearwood

School

As school starts tomorrow I read all of my friends post of them talking about sending there children to school for the first time. I can't help but have the thought that I will never get to do that. I will never have a child to take to there first day of school.... I will miss all the activities that you do with the kids at school... I won't get to go on field trips, I won't get to go to school plays, dances, PTO meetings, festivals....

It makes me so sad..................................................

August 19th Day of Hope

Today is the 19th of August it is suppose to be a Day of Hope. A day that all of us BLM's are suppose to feel as if we can speak out about our babies and not feel alone about it. A day that we come together with the ones we love to remember our babies... But for some of us we don't have anyone to talk to about our babies because those we love don't want to, don't acknowledge our babies, or feel as if it is just wrong to talk about them and worse of all feel as if they didn't existence because they never took a breath outside of there Mother's body...

It hurts me to know that they only people I have to really talk about my children with are the ones that follow and just by chance happen to read my blog. My husband doesn't read this... I know he thinks I should be over her death but she was my last chance at being a Mother and I am sorry I just can't forget about her. I don't forget about any of my babies... I wanted them so much, and I know that one day I will get to hold them for the first time but I will go ahead and say I look so forward to that day. I know they look down on me but I can't help but wonder if they need there Mommy... 

Do they need there Mommy just to hold them, to just kiss them the only way a Mommy can, to tell them they are loved the only way a Mommy can. I want to be a Mommy so bad but I know I am 30 yrs old and that some of you will say that is still really young, but I know in my heart that I will never be a Mommy... I guess that is why I am so sad today... I know that no matter what I want in my life there are some things that just will never be and I feel that this is one of those things... I wish with all my heart that I could be a Mother, and I feel as if I am Mother already but I want to be a Earth Mother to a child here with me and not one that is in Heaven and so far away from my touch and kiss... Even if I never have a child call me Mom, I would still like to have one in my life that I help to raise and love. All my friends children I love them with all my heart but I feel as if I may love them too much I am too attached, and I don't want my friends to think I am crazy over there children but they are the closest I will ever get to a child... 

I just wish my life was SO different and I know that if I really want that I have to really sit back and think to myself what is it that I want... I know what I want but I just don't know if it will ever be reality or will it always just be in my head, heart and dreams............

Carley Noel Mommy Loves you so much... Please give your siblings a hug and kiss from Mommy.... 

I love it!!

Today I am very lucky I have 3 babies in my home all day long.... Now 2 of them are twin boys that are 1 yr old and 1 is 7weeks old....

I know that it is going to be a very busy day for me but I absolutely love having children in my home... They are so sweet and loving... Children trust you, love you, and just brighten up my day... 

Why can I not have a child in my home all the time... Why can't I have one in my life God please I am begging you I just feel in my heart that I am not suppose to live a life without a child... Please Lord please bring me "My Dream" to me please....

Carley Noel please watch over these precious babies that are in our home today baby girl give Mommy the knowledge and the ability to keep everyone safe and happy.... Mommy loves you baby girl....

Tired

I feel as if everyone gets tired of reading my blog b/c I repeat what I type is the same thing over and over and over.... 

So to anyone who is reading if anyone does read this please tell me if I need to just stop writing. I don't want people to think I am some crazy woman who can't get over the loss of her babies and can't seem to move on with her life. I know that My Dream and dream of a child is probably never going to happen I can't help but think that one day it might. 

I just can't help but feel like I would be a good Mom... I may not know everything about what it is like to carry a child in my body for a whole term but I don't feel like in order for you to be a Mom you have to give birth. I maybe wrong but that is what I think.

I don't think the feeling will ever go away, and I can't help but pray that God will place a child in my life no matter how or whose child it maybe I will LOVE IT AS MY OWN!!!!

Carley Noel Mommy loves and Misses you every single day of my life. I will always miss you and Mommy will Always Love YOU!!!!! 

Why do people......

I have a question why do people feel as if I don't like to talk about my children? I love to talk about my babies even though there is not much to say about them... But people feel as if I don't want to talk about them or the fact that I will never be a Mom...

I have accepted the fact that I will never be a biological Mom and I don't mind talking about it. It actually helps me to talk about it. I am a person who can not hold anything in for long because if I do it makes me very depressed and feel alone (which I feel that way all the time and all day long most days)... Even when my Husband is home I still feel alone in my thoughts. I can't talk to him about them because he doesn't understand why I feel this way...

I miss my children in the fact that I miss the fact I will never have a child call me Mom... But it is okay I have a lot of children in my life that I am very close to and that I love as if they are my own... I know that my friends that I am very close with know that I would never let anything happen to there children as long as I am present... I would lay my own life down for a child... any child...

I can't help but hope that one day I will have a child in my life to love. I know that it will prolly never happen but still can't help but hope for it.... Like I said in my post before Dreams don't always come true but I really do hope and pray that My Dream will come true. All I want is LOVE in my life... and right now I don'[t know if I have that or not. I know that I child would not complete me but I think it would help me. If My Dream never comes true then I don't know what I will do...

I got sort of off topic on this post tonight but I just have SO MANY thoughts running through my head right now that I can't seem to think of anything else but My Dream and I want My Dream to come ture so bad I don't know if I have ever wanted anything more than this Dream... It is hard when you think in the form of reality that it will more than likely NEVER happen.... How do you accept that, how do you go on with knowing that, how do you live with the thoughts of nothing but a Dream that is so far from you and no matter how much you dream about it wish about it think NONSTOP about it is so far from your reach and your mind tells you it will NEVER BE but your heart will not give up on it because you love that Dream so much. A Dream that you don't know or ever will know but in my dreams at night I know this Dream is the best thing that I have EVER DREAMED of in my life......

I just wish that it would come TRUE so bad it hurts me physically inside...

Back on topic now I just wish that people wouldn't tip toe around things with me I wish they would just say what is on there minds and know that it doesn't UPSET ME, it makes me feel good cause I know that SOMEONE cares enough to ask....

I just wish people would TALK to me and TELL me what they think instead of tip toeing around the subject..... 

Carley Noel Mommy loves you and wishes you were here every single day of her life. If I had to go back in time I would do it all over again for you baby girl. I would have given my life so that you could live and be here. I just feel as if I didn't do enough for you baby, I feel like I am slowly forgetting you and I don't want to ever forget you. Mommy remembers the first time she saw you on the TV screen at the Dr's office you jumping all over the place just full of life, and Mommy wishes she could have given you a life, I would have given you the world as close to it as I possibly could baby girl. And you would never have to wonder if Mommy loved you because I would have told you all the time (like I do now)... Even though I know you are not here I still think about you, and tell you I love you every single day cause I feel as if you are looking down on me.... 

I hope that one day I will have the LOVE that I am so desperately seeking in my life......... I just don't think it will happen though........ :'(

Hurt

The word hurt can mean so many things....

Right now I just hurt in my heart, my soul, my body and my mind. 

I want that hurt to go away more than anything but I don't think it ever will, how do you live with a hurt that no matter what no Dr, medicine, food, or water can ever make go away...

How do you live with it?????

Comments

I love how you can comment on this blog and still remain anonymous...... It makes sense for some people to stay in the shadow but still give love and support.....

Dreams.....

You know Dreams are some times sweet, scary, real, and lies....

When you are little you always Dream you will meet a great guy, and fall in love, get the house of your dreams with the beautiful family that dwells inside it, the great job that you always wanted... And then you have reality... 

My dreams were similar to every ones but then you have those Dreams that you know will NEVER come true and I have so many of those in my life. So much of my life seems like a nightmare that I just can't wake up from. 

I have a lot of things that I am very happy for my family that loves me no matter what, my friends that I am extremely close to and there kids but there is always ONE dream that will never come true. Those dreams are the ones that we wish would every single day we wake up....

I dream every night for a dream that I know will never come true, I know this will never be even though some tell me "you never know what life may hold in the future"...

This one dream I know will never come true but I still in my heart and in my mind will ALWAYS wish for this dream no matter where in my life I may go.... No matter what may happen I will always wish and dream of this dream, but right now will never be reality and some days you are able to be in your dreams for a short period of time and think of what could or what we wish would be our reality but you always have to come back to Reality... Reality for me right now sucks and I want SO badly to stay in my dreams every morning when I wake I want to go back to sleep so I can continue my dream that I am so in love with....

Dreams are wonderful...... I won't give up on My Dream.... Maybe one day, maybe in another life not this one but just maybe My Dream or Wishes will come true Until then I hope I can continue to Dream about it every single night........ 

But some times we have to give up on a dream.........

Song

Well as you all know that i have been very down lately. I had some friends suggest songs for me to download... They are all songs that are for not being able to be with someone you love and I wanted to share them with you.

They are mainly rock I guess you would say...

Stone Sour: Hesitate

Flyleaf: All Around Me ( I like the acoustic version better than the rock one)

Avenged Sevenfold: Dear God

Skillet: Comatose

I feel that each one of these songs express how I have been feeling the last couple of months.... now I know that some will be darker than most people listen too but as I have been saying I am in a very dark place right now and I am trying to find the light....

Carley Noel Mommy love you with all her heart baby girl and even though I will never hold you in my arms and give you a kiss all I can do is pray that You are being loved in Heaven and that every kiss someone gives you up there please know that it is from Mommy with all the love in her heart until I meet you in Heaven one day baby girl....

Blah....

Well I am waiting very patiently for my meds to kick in. I know the Dr told me it would take me a few weeks for the increase in my meds to help me with my anxious feeling and my sadness that I just can't seem to get away from.

It is so hard to describe what it feels like to be in a room full of people and still feel so lonely inside. I feel as if nobody knows the real me. I feel as if I can't talk to people who do not suffer with depression or who understand everything that I have been through in my life. I just hate trying to describe and feeling that you just can not put into words.

I hope that one day I will be able to accept the life that God has given me, even though I am very unhappy with how I have lived it.... I even feel as if not only am I letting down the people here on Earth with me but that God is also disappointed in me. I know that I have to accept these things that have happened in my life and I need to move on but how do you move on with something that you still so desperately want. I would love to get up every morning and have a job to go to, to work again for money, to feel as if you have contributed to the world some how. Right now I just feel as if I am just another object taking up space in it. Just another useless object that people don't really need around but they keep it just because they don't really know how to get rid of it or it was given to them by someone and they don't want to hurt any one's feelings.

And I know that you are reading this going "You shouldn't feel that way about yourself, there are so many others out there that have had a harder life than yours". I know all of this but how do you tell your MIND TO STOP with all of this. I have thought this way about myself secretly for I know 20 years. I have never really liked myself and I know that everybody says that but I have just gotten really good at acting in front of people. Acting normal and that everything is good and inside I am on the verge of falling all to pieces. Even my Hubby doesn't really know or understand this. Tried to explain it to him but he doesn't even really know I have a blog... Most men keep all of there feelings inside and just try to push them away and never talk about them.... Well he does but I am not like that. I have to get them out if it is on here or to a friend. But I am careful as to which friends I tell my most darkest stuff too...I just hope that soon the meds will kick in and I will start to feel better.

I just wonder if I would still feel this way if my babies had made it. If I was a Mom would I still suffer in silence. I just don't think that I would... I just wish I could have a reset button on my life..............

No Words....

I am finding myself with no words lately to describe how I have been... I am slowly but not willing to accept that I will not be a mother (other then to my four legged children). My husband does not want to adopt and I am trying very hard to let that dream go of being a mother. Never thought I would actually have the courage to write it on here. I still don't want to give up all hope but slowly it is fading and I find myself with a big empty hole in me that I don't know if it will ever close. 


I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. It is like I am a empty spineless shell of the woman I once was. I feel as if I have nothing. I have a husband who loves me, a roof over my head and food... but a big part of me I will never have and I don't know if I will ever be that person again. I was once a strong person... now I feel weak and unattached. Unattached to a life that I worked and wanted so bad... I wanted to be a mother more than anything else and now that the door has closed on that dream I feel as if I don't know what I am here for any more. I have talked to my doctor and she increased my meds to help me with these feelings of anxiousness or nervous feelings. I feel as if I have never and will never do anything right and I was not like this before my world crumbled under me 2 years ago. 


Loosing my babies and then facing the life changing blood clots that took my job, my lively hood, myself worth away from me in a very short 3 month time period has totally rocked me to my core. I feel as if I can't get back to the person I once was. I haven't been writing on here much maybe, if I came back to it and got all these thoughts out of my head and feeling I have that I try to keep buried inside of me I would slowly get back to her... I just don't think that she is still there. 


I go on with my life and try to smile, try to act happy, try to show everyone that I am okay and that I am not breaking into a million pieces... But I can slowly feel I am loosing that fight. And my stomach is slowly telling me that I can't keep this up. I just hate having to involve my friends in family in my feelings cause they are the same every single day. I have told them I know a million times and they never change. It never feels as if they are any better, and I just gotten to a point where I know my friends are like You have to get over this, You have to accept this, You have to move on, You have too, YOU HAVE TOO!!!! 


But I just don't think I can, and I don't want to disappoint people any more than I already have............... :(