2020 can Shove it......

Is anyone else sick and tired of 2020 as much as I am..... I mean there have been some good moments but so many bad.... 

I am excited to get out of this small town for a little while... I am going to be taking a trip with the Hubby for a week and then I am staying for the rest of the month away... I don't want many people to know exactly where I am going. I want to do some soul searching and have some ME TIME.... I need it to let go of a lot of stuff. It is time to let go of a lot of my past. It can no longer control me and I have to let it go some how..... so alone time will be better... and nature nothing but nature. 

I feel better in nature, I feel more centered, I feel grounded.... it is really hard to ground yourself when you are the center of everything in peoples life. I am going to be doing things for me for a change. Just for a little short time.... 

I am so looking forward to getting away and becoming centered/grounded.... I am going to miss my family and friends but they will do good to have me away too. Everyone can see how it will be.... 

So I am checking out the Month Of November!!!! 

  I am back!!!!

Well it has been a good minute since I last wrote on here... I am actually surprised I could remember the password.....

Let's see where to begin.....

I divorced my ex-husband back in 2014 I believe it was.... We were not compatible at all and the pain that I went through changed me, it changed us as a couple. The divorce was the correct thing to do!

I have remarried and I am a stepmom to a beautiful 8 year old boy. He brings to much joy and love to my heart! I do not take my time with him for granted bc I know how precious the chance to raise a child. He is the absolutely best part of me. 

My husband now has been always so supportive about my past and my loss. More so than their father ever showed. I am sure in his own way he grieved them but he also made a comment one time " you are throwing your life away over something that never took a breathe". So I really don't feel he was connected to our children at all. I can't help how he felt or feels about his children being dead. I have not seen spoken to him since 2013. We live in a very small town and I have only ran into him once, but we did not speak. I am not one of those ex-wives that wish ill towards their ex-husband. I want the best life ever for him. Just because we didn't work doesn't mean that we both don't deserve to be happy with our new spouses and in our new lives. Well not new but you know what I am saying. 

I have gotten to experience so many things in my relationship with my husband. We love to travel, and have gone to a lot of the Caribbean Islands. We have been on family vacations, we have a great support system in our friends and family and he and I are complete opposites on the zodiac chart but we work great. I have moved back to my home town, and bough my Grandparents house/farm from my Uncle. 

I have the sweetest furbaby named Zoey. My ex-husband gave her to me and it was the best gift he ever gave me. She is my support dog. My health has not gotten better over the years, so she has been a God Send to me. She knows when my pain is bad, she knows when I need extra loves, she is my baby! I have no doubt that she does not even realize she is a Dog. She is a Princess and I am not ashamed to let everyone know she is my baby. 

I have been away from this due to the fact that when I was separated from my ex-husband he took this blog and used it against me in marriage counseling. I did want to ever write on here again but you know what I made this to help me with my grief over the loss of my children and I have gotten to the 12 years on the 24th of this month for my first baby. November 2020 will be 11 years for Carley and Noel my Twin Girls. 

My husband and I got married on April 22, 2017. My daughters due date. He wanted to take all the bad dates that I regret or dread and turn them into good ones. He proposed on my 7 year mark after my blood clot and it was 7 years since my twins were gone. The first year didn't feel much bc I still posted and talked about the twins. This year was the first year I didn't feel I needed to type a post. I just shared a picture about them. The funny thing about grief is that you flip back and forth with emotions. I cant think of a day that I don't think I am supposed to be a Mother of a 12 and 11 years old kids. Instead I am the Step Mom of an amazing 8 years old boy. He is my blessing. I have been with him Since he was 10 months old. I got to go through all the stages except pregnancy and birth. I am extremely grateful that God allowed me to be there. 

I can say that I still LONG to be a Mom and for my husband and I could have a our child, but I can't have children and adoption is way out of the picture due to money. Plus I am going to be 39 this year so I it wouldn't be good for me to start over with a infant, but I do dream that I will get a phone call one day and the person say we have a baby for you to adopt for free, but I know that is only a dream. 

I wish the government would fund adoptions like they do abortions. The foster care system scares me because we went all through the classes, home study, interviews, and I backed out because I knew if they had to come and take the child back I would not be able to handle it. But I am thinking of maybe trying that again and tell Social Services to only give me a foster child that they know the parents would never be able to ever get custody again. But my age and my health would deny me. But I have got lots of friends who are having babies and know my story and let me Love their kids as much as I want. 

I just really wanted to update and write on this because the 24th is coming and it is hard...... It feels like yesterday but it wasn't. 

Feels like the movie Groundhog Day

My life well I should say life I should say my left leg makes my life feel like the movie Groundhogs Day. If you remember the movie Bill Murray relives the same day over and over again, unlike the movie though my outcome never changes. Went to a cook out yesterday for the end of summer at one of my best friends house. It was great seeing all of my friends again, and all of their children playing and having fun, but it also made me sad. Carley should be here. I should have done more to make sure she made it and had a chance at life. I should have done what all parents would do for their child is give their own life for their child. I should have not listened to anyone and done what I wanted to do which was deliver her. I could have just waited and let my body done the natural thing. My body may have been able to keep in her in longer and she may have had a chance. But instead I listened to my ex husband who wanted me to have the surgery and just get this over with and behind us. 

That was one of the most stupid things I have ever done was not stand up for my child. I don't think I ever did stand up for my children to him. After I left him he tried to talk to me about our children and bought me a necklace with her name on it, but it was all for show. He got mad at me the night he gave me the necklace bc I didn't cry when he gave it to me. Well hell it had been 2 1/2 years and he had never spoke her name or even acknowledged her, hell he even told me it was stupid for me to name her. I still carry a lot of anger towards him for the things he said to me, how he made me feel about myself. But I just have to try to rebuild myself esteem and move on. 

You know how people say in time it will get easier.... Well that statement is a crock of shit. It has been almost 5 years and it still hurts just as bad as it did when it happen. The hurt, the longing, the dreams, the missed opportunities that I will never experience with my children. Nobody every says her name, nobody ever speaks of her, when I do they all just stare at me and someone will change the subject very quickly. That hurts, it hurts when those you love just act as if she never existed. It hurts when all of your friends are sitting around talking, giving advice to each other. Hell went to a baby shower and you had to write down and give the new parents to be advice.... when I got up there I just didn't even write anything down. What advice am I going to give... That was hell 5 months ago and I still think about it. 

See that is something that I am good at thinking, and remembering. I have nothing going on in my every day life. My life consists of nothing but pain physical and emotional. My health or I should really say my left leg that runs my life is shitty. I wake up in pain, I move I am in pain, I lay still I am in pain, I try to sleep I can't because I am in pain. I take the meds that they prescribe for me  and they do absolutely nothing. When you life consists of nothing but pain every single moment you often think what the hell did I do to deserve this. I often feel I just wish I could go back 5 years and maybe the Dr's would have told me the full results, if that would have happened I doubt I would have had a blood clot and I would have never gotten pregnant with Carley and her twin. I wouldn't be in pain every single day, I would still have been in a shitty marriage that should have never happen to start with but hey you live and learn. 

It is amazing how we walk around in our life with blinders on, or rose colored glasses and we have no clue. Well I shouldn't say we have no clue because in the back of our minds we do we just choose to not pay attention to it. I sure didn't!!! But when I did I shake my head at all the things that I choose to overlook or make excuses for. 

Maybe that is why God didn't let my children live, bc I wasn't good at making choices, or God knew I wouldn't be a good mother and just choose to ensure my children didn't have to go through living with me and me making bad choices for them. Hell I know in my heart that God did the right thing. I would suck as a mother, hell I proved that the moment I didn't stand up for my child... God did what was best and he made damn sure I would never be able to have any more children and allow them to die the way Carley did... 

Yep he was right.........