Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Feels like the movie Groundhog Day

My life well I should say life I should say my left leg makes my life feel like the movie Groundhogs Day. If you remember the movie Bill Murray relives the same day over and over again, unlike the movie though my outcome never changes. Went to a cook out yesterday for the end of summer at one of my best friends house. It was great seeing all of my friends again, and all of their children playing and having fun, but it also made me sad. Carley should be here. I should have done more to make sure she made it and had a chance at life. I should have done what all parents would do for their child is give their own life for their child. I should have not listened to anyone and done what I wanted to do which was deliver her. I could have just waited and let my body done the natural thing. My body may have been able to keep in her in longer and she may have had a chance. But instead I listened to my ex husband who wanted me to have the surgery and just get this over with and behind us. 

That was one of the most stupid things I have ever done was not stand up for my child. I don't think I ever did stand up for my children to him. After I left him he tried to talk to me about our children and bought me a necklace with her name on it, but it was all for show. He got mad at me the night he gave me the necklace bc I didn't cry when he gave it to me. Well hell it had been 2 1/2 years and he had never spoke her name or even acknowledged her, hell he even told me it was stupid for me to name her. I still carry a lot of anger towards him for the things he said to me, how he made me feel about myself. But I just have to try to rebuild myself esteem and move on. 

You know how people say in time it will get easier.... Well that statement is a crock of shit. It has been almost 5 years and it still hurts just as bad as it did when it happen. The hurt, the longing, the dreams, the missed opportunities that I will never experience with my children. Nobody every says her name, nobody ever speaks of her, when I do they all just stare at me and someone will change the subject very quickly. That hurts, it hurts when those you love just act as if she never existed. It hurts when all of your friends are sitting around talking, giving advice to each other. Hell went to a baby shower and you had to write down and give the new parents to be advice.... when I got up there I just didn't even write anything down. What advice am I going to give... That was hell 5 months ago and I still think about it. 

See that is something that I am good at thinking, and remembering. I have nothing going on in my every day life. My life consists of nothing but pain physical and emotional. My health or I should really say my left leg that runs my life is shitty. I wake up in pain, I move I am in pain, I lay still I am in pain, I try to sleep I can't because I am in pain. I take the meds that they prescribe for me  and they do absolutely nothing. When you life consists of nothing but pain every single moment you often think what the hell did I do to deserve this. I often feel I just wish I could go back 5 years and maybe the Dr's would have told me the full results, if that would have happened I doubt I would have had a blood clot and I would have never gotten pregnant with Carley and her twin. I wouldn't be in pain every single day, I would still have been in a shitty marriage that should have never happen to start with but hey you live and learn. 

It is amazing how we walk around in our life with blinders on, or rose colored glasses and we have no clue. Well I shouldn't say we have no clue because in the back of our minds we do we just choose to not pay attention to it. I sure didn't!!! But when I did I shake my head at all the things that I choose to overlook or make excuses for. 

Maybe that is why God didn't let my children live, bc I wasn't good at making choices, or God knew I wouldn't be a good mother and just choose to ensure my children didn't have to go through living with me and me making bad choices for them. Hell I know in my heart that God did the right thing. I would suck as a mother, hell I proved that the moment I didn't stand up for my child... God did what was best and he made damn sure I would never be able to have any more children and allow them to die the way Carley did... 

Yep he was right.........

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

I am Back

My Dear Carley,

I am sorry that I have not written on here in over a year. I have felt as if I still couldn't write on here due to the divorce. Your father and I are divorced and I feel as if I have been freed. I am no longer scared to talk about you, I am no longer scared to speak my mind, I no longer feel as if "My Life" is controlled by someone else. I am FREE. I am free to do and go as I please, I am free to speak my mind about whatever it is I want to say, I am free to talk to you and to remember you in any way I feel. I no longer have to find my feelings. I hate that the relationship ended but in a way I am happy it did. I am no able to go and do things in my life that I thought I would never do, experience things that I only dreamed of. I am so happy with my life now.

Don't get me wrong there are still things that I fight with every single day. I still dislike a lot that I am unable to work, my leg has gotten increasingly worse in the last year. Doctors are not sure what is going on other than my clots are still present and I still am suppose to lay flat most of my day. The swelling gets bad now, and the pain well I can't even put into words what that has been like. I lie in bed most nights just praying that pain will stop and God grants me my wish and allows me to sleep. Not as much as I am sure I should get, but I get enough. I go back to the Dr in September my schedule got off when I was hospitalized for a week in February. That was a hell of a week, it is all a blur really. But one thing that was different from any other time I was in the hospital was your Grandmother didn't have to stay and take care of me, someone who is very special to me did. It was my boyfriend Michael. He took off work stayed with me, helped me, did everything for me basically. He held my hand when I was in pain, he wiped my tears, and told me everything was going to be okay. He stepped in when I needed him most and not once has he ever made me feel bad about how I am.

He is special to me. He makes me feel alive, he makes me feel whole even though I feel I am not. He doesn't judge me or hold my health and other things against me. He protects me, he loves me, and he lets me talk about you whenever I want. He remembers your Angelversary, he remembers your due date. He doesn't make me feel bad about you, he supports me in every way shape and form. Don't get me wrong we are not wealthy with money, but we are wealthy in appreciation of each other. He appreciates what I do for him even the small things, and I do the same of him. He takes care of ME, something I have never really had before. I don't mean in money, or gifts, or anything material. He supports me emotionally something I have never experienced. 

It was scary at first, I didn't know how to be. I was scared to speak my mind, to not do everything the way he wanted it when he wanted it. He picked up on that and told me that I was suppose to be me. I had thoughts that I should speak, I had things I wanted to do and should go and do them, if I want something and I have the money buy it, I didn't need to ask for permission. He makes me feel like I am an adult and I can make my own decisions. And that is so true!!!

I have been on a cruise, I have gotten a tattoo (which it is for my angels with your name), I have been on a family vacation with my love attending (which was a first). I have had so many first with him, I have someone who will go with me to family functions, friend function, church, anything and everything. I have never attended a Dr's appt alone, he has attended them all. He loves me for me including all of the emotional baggage that comes with me. I feel honored, blessed, and amazed at how someone could love me like this. 

I want to make you proud of me Carley. I want to show you that I am the strong Mom who put everything she had into bringing you into this world, but God had far better plans for you. God gave me a gift that has taken me awhile to figure out. He gave me the gift of strength. He gave me you and your siblings, he gave me my clot, he gave me a bad marriage all to show me that I am strong and I am a fighter and I will not go down easy. It is a daily struggle not to just waste away and feel sorry for myself, and I take it day by day and night by night. I Thank God for you baby girl and I hope that I am making you proud as you watch from above. I will be back, I will not let people stop me from this blog. IF they read it then they read it. For I speak to you My Angels in Heaven. 

Mommy Loves you very much and misses you all every single minute of the day and night.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Why I have been gone

Well I know I have been gone a long time from here Baby girl. But Mommy felt as if she couldn't write on here anymore once your father found out about this website. You see your father and I have split. When he found out about this blog he printed it off and read it and then turned the things that I have wrote to you on here around to hurt Mommy. So I had to stop writing on here. But you know what. I was the one who carried you, I was the one to mourned for you in private and publicly and I feel that I should NOT have to hide my thoughts and feelings about you from anybody. 

You know I will never forget my babies that I lost, I will never forget how much I would LOVE to have them here with me, how I long to hold them and kiss them, tell them how much I love them. I would love to be able to wipe their tears when they cried, fix them their favorite food, tuck them in at night, and just to be able to know that yes I am a Mother... I don't write on this blog because I haven't accepted the fact that I will never be a Mother, or because I haven't accepted the fact that my babies are in Heaven, I write on here because this blog is what HELPED me ACCEPT. 

It helped me accept that my children died, and that I will never be a Mother. It really hurts me when people say that I haven't accepted the death of my children. Well first of all when your children pass away you are never the same person that you once were. A piece of you goes with them to heaven. I became a mother as soon as the stick showed 2 lines. I understand that for him it wasn't the same. I understand that men don't feel they are fathers until the child is born. But MY BODY is what gave my children life, MY BODY is where they had a heart beat, I felt them kicking, I was the one sick with nausea, and had all of the emotional emotions from being pregnant.  I feel that it is so wrong for someone to say that because I like to write on a BLOG that helped me heal and accept that my children where gone, tell me that because I write on here and the things that I write about they feel as if I HAVEN'T ACCEPTED MY CHILDREN DEATHS.... 

Well first off I feel that those people (really it is just one person but I will not say who it is so I will just refer to them as people) never really accepted that I was pregnant and I was a Mother in the first place. Second those people where not present in any way, shape of form when I lost my children so they have no idea what it was like for me to wake up surgery and have them gone, have to go and pee in a toilet and see all the blood and know that my baby was gone and not there any more. They have no idea the hurt, pain, disappointment and guilt that I carried in my head and heart because MY BODY couldn't protect my babies and bring them to life here with me. Now that I have found out why MY BODY couldn't do that it makes sense. I have ALWAYS had  gut feeling that I would never be a mother. I had told my ex this several times, my mothers, my best friends, and nobody believed me. 

I can't really explain why or how I knew I just did. I knew when I found out I was pregnant the first time that I wasn't going to loose that baby. Everybody told me that I was not going to and just needed to think positive. They were also the same people who told me when I lost the baby that "something must have been wrong with the baby, and it was my bodies way of saving the baby and me from going through something terrible." Well I guess they didn't consider that loosing the baby was TERRIBLE. They are also the same people who have NEVER had a miscarriage saying these things. They wanted to get pregnant and have a baby so they tried and got pregnant and had the number of children they wanted. They did have to be told "I am sorry but you can't have children." Why do people try to empathize with someone over something they have NEVER went through themselves. If you have never went through the loss of a child DON'T TRY AND SAY YOU UNDERSTAND or act as if something was WRONG with my baby. Only God knew the reason as to why my babies needed to go to heaven and not be here with me.

I wish every single day that I really knew the reason why GOD choose me to have all of these obstacles to overcome in this life. Everyone likes to tell me that I am very strong person to overcome and handle everything that has happen to me in my life. Well I don't feel as if I am strong. I struggle to look positive on this life I have but it is the only life I will have so yes I have to accept the things that have happen to me and move on. I can't wallow in my short comings. If I did that I would never get out of bed in the morning (even though some days it is really difficult to do with the pain I have in my leg).  I would never want to be around my friends when they are pregnant, I would never want to be around kids period. But I am not that way. I know that I will never have children or be a mother and I have ACCEPTED IT!! No matter what anybody says I know in my heart that I have. Does that mean that I don't think of my children and miss them every single day of my life, NO it doesn't. 

I feel in my heart and my mind that if I never thought of my children, wished, and longed for them to be here with me then I never cared for them in the first place. Every Mother or parent of a lost child has those very same wishes but that doesn't mean they haven't accepted their child's death it just means that THEY ARE A PARENT and they loved there child more than anything..... "EVEN IF IT NEVER TOOK A BREATH" outside of there mother!!!!

So to my Children Mommy loves you and Misses you every single day. I know that one day I will see you again. Until then I know you are in the best place in the world, you are in Heaven with GOD and you are in My Heart FOREVER!!!!!!