Made it Through Another Christmas without Them

Well I made it through another Christmas without Them. It wasn't easy but with my family and friends they helped me. My very Loving Husband got me the Open Heart Angel from the Jane Seymour collection. It was the one thing that I wanted and I was very shocked that he got it for me. He isn't a jewelry type of man but he said after the year we had, he wanted to me have it. He also gave me the earring to go along with it. I am sooo happy to have received it.

The necklace is for all my babies in heaven and I told him that. I wanted it to help me remember them. My parents gave me a Mother's Necklace last year for my birthday that had all of there birthstones in it and then a phrase "Forever in My Heart" and then on the back it had there dates. And it lost a stone but Things Remembered sent me another one. I choose not to wear that one but to keep it nice. So Mom got me a very pretty Cross to wear and I still wanted something to remember my babies by and I saw the Open Heart Angel and I told my Husband that was all I wanted. I even told him he could give it to me for my Birthday and Christmas (he knew that I really wanted it by me saying that b/c he knows I hate to combine birthday and Christmas, it isn't my fault I was born 4 days before Christmas).

This Christmas was hard because it would have been Carley and her twins 1st Christmas. But I know there were with Jesus and I know they had a much better time up there in Heaven than here but I still missed them and would love to have them here with me. Maybe one day God will bless us and allow us to be parents to a Human child, and not only my four legged and furry ones.

Love You and Miss you Angels!!!!

Merry Christmas In Heaven My Angels

Merry Christmas in Heaven babies. Mommy loves you and misses you each day. As all of my friends are playing Santa for there children all I can do is to wish mine a Merry Christmas for I will never be able to play Santa for them. 

I pray to God that I will get to experience being Santa for a child of ours, wither we adopt, or have a surrogate. I pray that we will get to be parents to a child one day. All we can do is pray.

Merry Christmas to My Angels In Heaven!!

13 Months

Well it has been 13 months since you left. Fixing to spend another Christmas without the 2nd of many more to come. Words can not describe how I feel tonight. I am fixing to be 29 years old tomorrow and I have now children and will never have any children.

There are children all around me but none that are mine, and doesn't really look like any in the near future unless I win the Lottery. And since the only Luck I have is bad luck I don't believe that will happen either. My heart is empty I had always hoped and wished to be a Mother and I wanted to have kids before I was 30 but that isn't going to happen. Just when you think that you are doing better with the all of this it creeps right back up on you and there it is just as fresh and new feeling that you thought you were over.

I have been fighting back tears all day and I am fighting them back now as I type. I have seen so many kids that parents don't love them, care for them, or even want them and here we are wanting Children so bad and we are told NO....... Why is that? I want to have a Rainbow baby but NO... I have felt all the babies I am going to feel in me. There will be no more and That Makes Me So Sad.

I love all of you ANGEL'S more and more every day. I miss you more and more every day.

New Blog look

I want to send a BIG THANK YOU to Small Bird Studio for my Blog Make Over. It was great working with you, you helped me get my vision on these pages. I highly recommend them to any of my other BLM. They do a lot for BLM blogs and she is very good and understands how we feel about out blogs. Please if you are interested in getting a new look for your blog please choose Small Bird Studio. You can go to there page on the left side click there button.

Found Something

I am involved in a "Holiday Exchange" program through Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope blog. I got my fellow Mom her gift over the weekend. I can't say what it is because it isn't Christmas yet. But in my journey of finding her the perfect gift I cam across something that I had seen before but I thought were lovely and he never thought about for myself.

Willow Tree Angels are figurines that have different meanings. I was amazed at them. I had seen them before (a friend of mine whose husband gives them to her) they have all kinds of different one. They have one for weddings called "Together" they have a "Healing", "Promise" and the list goes on and on. Then there are some called ANGELS and they have there own sayings as well but they have Angel wings on the back.  Here are a few examples " Angel of Hope", "Angel of Light", "Angel of Wishes and the list goes on and on.

I never knew they had a Angel Collection. I stood at the store and just fell in aww of them. I picked out some that I would like to have for myself. I told my BFF, Mom and friends about them (just in case they haven't gotten me anything for Christmas, I know I am bad). But I would love to have one for Carley and My Angels. I think it would go good with the little remembrance place I have for them on my table with Carley's Candle and her little crochet angels I have received.

I am scared that people will forget her. And I know that I will never forget her and I know my family and close friends won't but I want everybody to know that I am the mother of 3 Angels In Heaven.

I can make it, I can make it

OK I am trying to put on my big girl pants and make it through this Christmas season without loosing it. I have felt pretty good since the balloon release, but I can't help but think "this would have been Carley's 1st Christmas". I would have those ornaments all over the tree and I would be getting her "1st Christmas presents". Getting those pictures taken to send out to all family and friends. Instead I am buying for other children none for me.

I will be glad when 2010 is soon to be over because it Sucked for me. I guess I am just slipping back into the gloom of being a mother with no children here and a woman that will never again feel the kicks of a unborn baby in my womb. It is funny how grief can come and go like it does. Just a few days ago I wrote that I was better and felt I was moving on with my life and now I am slipping back into the sadness.

I know God has a plan but I just wish that he gave Preview Trailers like the movies do.

Made it through Thanksgiving

Well I made it through the first tough Holiday, Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday but last year it was really difficult.  It was nice to be myself at the holiday. I have had some closure after doing the Balloon release. It helped me with losing her and coming to terms about not being able to have children.

Something else that could have helped was having my husband actually bring up the discussion of surrogate or adoption. It was nice for me not to have to bring it up for a change. He wanted to know all what the Dr had told me back in Oct and we may actually be going ahead with one of them the first of the year. So I am not going to get my hope up either way. I know it is going to cost money that right now we just don't have to do either option.

I have thought if you could have benefit's for surrogacy or adoption??? I don't think that you can but I thought it would be worth a thought. Maybe through God's Good Grace we will be able to do something to get closure to having a baby. It doesn't matter to me which way we get to be parents I just want to be a Mommy to a Earth child so bad.

Please Pray that God will Help us in Making this very Important Decision.

Happy 1year Angelversary Carley Noel

Well the day is here Carley's 1 year Angelversary. I can't believe that my baby girl has been gone for one whole year. Last year at this time I was in so much pain physically and mentally and now my physical pain has ceased but my mental pain is still present and still strong as ever.

I wonder if you ever fully get over the lost of a child. Some people would say that I can't really say that I lost a child when she never took a breath but I beg to differ. I have lost 3 Babies and they were real to me because I knew they were there. Some people would say that "you should be over it", "move on with your life", "thought it would be easier for you since you had gone through it before". These are just a few of the comments that I have gotten about my losses. People unless they have walked in your shoes DO NOT KNOW how much it hurts to want something so bad, to love something so much that you have only seen on a screen only to have it RIPPED from you with no reason known to you.

 I know that God does everything for a reason is what people say but I want to know why he put the love in my Heart for a child to only be told it will never happen for you. It is so hard to go through life and know that you will never have a child of your own here on Earth. Yes I have 3 in Heaven waiting on me when my time comes to leave this world but what am I to do the with Love that I have in my heart for a child here on Earth. Yes I have family and friends that have children that I am around all the time, but you can only love them so much before it may get a little weird to the parents that you have became obsessed with THEIR CHILD.



I am in a Wedding today of one of my BEST guy friends ever. This Man is My Brother I never had. He would do anything for me and he has found the Most Wonderful Woman and Mother to marry. I am so Honored to be in there Wedding, but in my heart it is also a  sad day. For even thought I will smile and be happy for them (because I am SO VERY HAPPY) I will also be hurting. God knew that I would only want to be in bed all day today So I know that he meant for me to be in this wedding. The Bride is such a great woman that she is even going to take part in the balloon release that I have planned for today.



Now I know that SHE is the Bride and that it is her day but I couldn't go through today and not Remember the Memory of my Daughter. So I have around 20 of my close Family and Friends attending a Balloon Release today in Memory of Carley Noel and her sibling's. I have gotten 3 Balloons for me to release for them with Butterflies on them and then a balloon for each person. My Pastor is going to say a Prayer, read a poem, for her. But I am just so happy that this Bride is going to take part in this. How many Brides do you know would let the "Lime Light" shine on another person on Her Wedding Day. I just Thank God that she is allowing me to do this.

 It is funny that I am going to release 3 balloons. I went to the store to purchase all the balloons and I couldn't make up my mind how many I wanted for myself. I first said 1, then changed it to 2, and then I was like no do 3. And after I left the store it dawned on me that I had gotten 3 balloons and never really thought about this but I had gotten 3 balloons just out of the blue and realized that I had gotten 1 balloon for each of my babies. I didn't even think about that when I was in the store. I got my mother 2 balloons that say in the shape of a Heart "You are so Special", and my Best Friend and her Daughter will have a balloon with Hearts on it that says Happy Birthday. If my first baby had made it then my best friends daughter and my child would have been the same age. So I got her a balloon to herself to release.



I know that some people may think that it is stupid for me to do the Balloon Release but I will never have a chance to do a birthday party for Carley and I want to remember her, and everybody to remember that she was real, even though she was in my womb she was here and alive and now she is gone and I have no place to morn her so this is my way to cope with today. Below I have posted the pictures that a friend took for me. The wide shots you can't see them all the way but if you click on the photo it will make them larger and in a slide show.



I want to say Carley and My Babies in Heaven Mommy and Daddy Love you and Miss You Every Day, And Until We Meet Again Sweet Angels In Heaven.


Love You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hard Week Ahead

Well this is going to be a very hard week for me. I am very quickly approaching Carley's 1 year Angelversary. It is so hard to believe that my Angel has been gone for one whole year. All my hopes and dreams were in that Little Bundle of Joy that wasn't meant to be. You know how you hear the old saying don't put all of your eggs in one basket, well I did that with her. I put all my eggs into that one basket and now my basket is empty and will prolly never be.

I still want a baby so bad, but just one problem my body is so screwed up that it will never happen for me. I know that I have had people offer to carry a baby for me but just finding the money to do such a task is hard on just one income. I have a woman's body that couldn't do the one thing it was meant to do and that was to bear a child from it's womb. People don't know how hard it is for me unless they have walked in my shoes. Have all this hope, these dreams, this pain and you can't do a damn thing about it (sorry for the language but that was the only way I could really put my feeling in).

I mean a woman is suppose to get married to the man of her dreams and start a family. Well I got married to the man of my dreams and went to start a family and my family will never be. There will never be a child of MINE on this earth. There are 3 of them in heaven but none of them will be here with me and I know one day I will see them and they were so special that God said that they deserved to go straight to him, but what about me?? I know people will say that I am just being selfish and that I shouldn't think like that but I can't help but to. That is how I feel.

I am going to do a balloon release on Saturday for Carley at my church. I am also in my best guy friends wedding on Saturday too. It is going to be a very emotional day for me and I don't know how well I am going to handle it. I don't even know how to began to handle it. I have been doing a pretty good job of hiding my feelings from some people or at least I think I am. They prolly can see right through it and I just think that I am hiding them.

I can say one thing I am sure of with my Feeling is that Mommy Loves and Misses Her Angels In Heaven!!!!

Poems

Well I am trying to find a poem to read at the balloon release that I am going to do on Carley's Angelversary. I am going to post some of the poems and I wish that someone would help me decide on one.

An Angel Never Dies
Don't let them say, I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes"
But that won't soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
another child you'll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although, I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An Angel Never Dies........
~Unknown

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said. But I can hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand. She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away ...I watch over my surviving Mom who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others ...a smile of disguise! But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mom tries to cope with death; To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive, as I watch over my surviving Mom through Heaven's open door ...
I try to tell her that angels protect me forevermore! I know that doesn't help her, or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her. Show her that you care. for no matter what she says ...no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.

~Author~Kaye Des'Ormeaux



Until We Meet Again

I have not turned my back on you
So there is no need to cry.
I'm watching you from heaven
Just beyond the morning sky.

I've seen you almost fall apart
When you could barely stand.
I asked an angel to comfort you
And watched her take your hand.

She told me you are in more pain
Than I could ever be.
She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard
Then gave your hand to me.
Although you may not feel my touch
Or see me by your side.
I've whispered that I love you
While I wiped each tear you cried.

So please try not to ache for me
We'll meet again one day.
Beyond the dark and stormy sky
A rainbow lights the way.
~Author Unknown

So if you could please read each poem and give me your opinion. I just want it to be a special Day for her and I want a special poem.

Bad Day Bad Month

Well I hope that I can make it through this month. This weekend is the one year mark of when my life began to fall apart last year. You know some days I think that I am accepting all the deaths of my babies and then somethings reminds me and I start to get tearful again.

I know that people think that "it has been almost a year Jan get it together and get over it" but I am trying but there is always something that reminds me and it is like I am reliving it again. Maybe it is just different for me cause I know that they are my last and only chance of being a MOM. I won't have a chance of a Rainbow Baby, I won't have the chance of a baby prolly at all. My heart hurts so much and sinks every time I think of Carley and my Angels, I know that I should be happy that they are in Heaven with God and all there family but I would love to have been an Earth Mom to them.

I know I was lucky to have gotten pregnant with all my babies and to have them for the little while they were here but I would love to have them in my arms, to kiss them, to have them call me mommy. Carley would prolly be saying Da Da and Ma Ma buy now or babbling and I miss that. I won't know what it feels like to have a child call me that or my wonderful Husband.

My heart hurts for him cause by him being with me he is giving up his chance of being a father as well. I ask him all the time why is he with me? I just feel like he wasting his time being with me, I know how much he wants a child of his own too and his family. I have a hard time being around his family too cause I feel as if they think I wish he hadn't married her, she should just work. I know that a lot of my "thinking" is because I have all the time to think I am home all the time by myself mostly and all I do is THINK.

I try not to worry my friends and my family cause they all have lives, jobs, kids, houses, and problems of there own. I know they don't have time for my nonsense. It is so hard I lost my Babies, then my health went down, then had to quit my dream job, then had my Dream of being a mom taken away, I don't know how much more I can take. I try to put on the smile and fake how okay I am but it is getting old. I don't want people to see me and think here comes the sour puss. But I don't have a lot right now, I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, food in my house, family and friends that love me, a husband who would do anything and everything for me if he had too. I Know that I shouldn't feel this way but I DO.  I want my CHILDREN HERE WITH ME.

And until I see them again I guess my Heart will Always Ache for Them.

Halloween

I am sad today. Today I would have been dressing you up to go on your first Trick or Treating.

I would be taking you to church, grandparents houses, friends and families houses. I wonder what would you have been.

I am so sad today!

Gone 11 Months but not Forgotten

Dear Carley,

I missed posting on your 11 months baby girl. I didn't forget I just couldn't post that day. I can't believe that you have been gone for 11 months. Last year at this time I was dreaming of dressing you up for your first Halloween, dreaming of having you for all the holidays. I can't believe that it has gone by so quick.

Next month it will be 1 year since I lost you. I am in a wedding that day for my best friend. It is going to be an exciting day for him and his new wife and I will be happy but so sad for it was your last day with me. I miss you every day. I dream of what you would look like, if you would have my eyes or your dads, my nose, I just wish that I still had you with me and that you could have stayed with us.

I am going to do something special for you just for you and your siblings. I love you and Miss You So MUCH!!!!

Love you Always and Forever,
Mommy

Oct 15 Light a Candle

Today we Remember our Angels for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I know that all parents Remember their Angels every day of there lives but today the World Remembers our babies. I have my candle lit all day today, you are suppose to do it at 7pm but my Mother is taking me to a play of my favorite movie of all time. Steel Magnolias Love the movie so I hope I will Love the Play.

But I am not going to forget to light My Babies Candle today. I miss them every day of my life and I will continue to Miss Them.

LOVE YOU BABIES AND MISS YOU.

So if you know someone who has lost a baby or you have lost a baby light a candle tonight at 7pm in Memory of them and all the other babies that have gone to soon.

Sad

Tonight as I sit in my house alone I am sad. Last year at this time I was dreaming of  having a baby in the house and how my life would never be boring always have someone around no free time to myself. And now I am still alone will always be alone.  My womb will never have anything growing, and I am sad. I am sad because I think I would be a great mother. Instead I am here alone with my body that I hate because it isn't normal. Why did I have to have all the things happen to me!!!! Why couldn't I have one just one health one. I know there is a "Plan for me" but I wish I could be included into knowing about the plan. I am just having a bad night I know.

Carley I miss you so much words can't describe. Please know that Mommy love you and misses you so much. I am so sorry that I couldn't meet you in person but one day Mommy will see you One Day.

My Story

So I submitted my story to "Faces of Loss" blog and I saw where it was posted on September 23 under the state of Virginia. It still made me cry just reading my own story. Just knowing that Carley was the LAST BABY I WILL EVER CARRY.

I will never feel that miserable feeling that women feel at the end, or swollen legs and feet (I have that now but not the way I would like to have it by being pregnant). I will never know what it feels like to be in labor, to look at a baby and know that I did that (of course with hubby's help). I will never know what that feels like.

I hope that GOD will allow me to be a mother through a surrogate. I want to be a MOTHER so bad. I want to hold a baby in my arms and have it call me mama and My Husband who I know would be the Greatest Father in the World to have a child of his own. I know that he would be such a great father. He is a great husband and a wonderful man, I am the luckiest woman in the world because God choose me to be his wife.

I am still dealing with the fact that I am now a stay at home wife due to my leg and my vein issues. It is hard when you went to school, college, had the perfect job, LOVED your job and now you are stuck at home laying on a couch cause you are not suppose to be up much. It sucks to be honest but I am trying to stay positive and up but with winter coming and cold weather I know that it is going to be hard.

But I am just going to continue to pray my really good friend has a saying "If you worry you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry." I really need to try and live by that.

I was Thinking......

This morning as I was watching my husband leave for work I was thinking to myself how much things have changed in 1 year.

One year ago I knew I was pregnant and that I had lost one of the twins, I knew that Carley was okay and had a heart beat. I had a job, and would have been at work already. We were so happy, just knowing that I was finally pregnant and my baby had a heart beat and this one was going to be the one. That is what I thought, nobody would have ever thought that one year later I still wouldn't have a baby here on earth, no job, health the way it is.

I always had a gut feeling that something was going to happen that I was not going to be able to have a child. I always had a feeling in my "Gut" so to speak. It is so funny how you "THINK" your life is going to turn out to be and it takes a BIG LEFT TURN and ends up totally different.

I had a very good friend tell me "You wanna make God laugh tell him your plan for your life". I just got to wait for "His Plan" to come into light.

Doctor Visit

Well I didn't really get the news I wanted to hear. I sort of knew that I was not going to be able to carry a baby with all of my health problems, but the news I got was still shocking.

I was told that I may not even be able to harvest my eggs due to the high risk of blood clots/and ruptured ovaries in using the hormone shots. So that was the shocker. I had set all of my eggs into that basket of me having a child was me harvesting my eggs and now they just killed it. I sobbed!!!! What am I going to do now, there goes my chance of being a mother. Something that I want SOOO BAD GONE!! The Dr that told me this was a "Fellow" of my Dr. I guess she is right at the end of going on her own I don't know but she was nice about it and very sympathetic.


Next my Dr walks in and she already knows that I have been hit with those words that no woman wants to hear, but she comes in with I am going to talk to another Dr and to your blood specialist and we are going to see if we can work something out. I am going to have to have some very close monitoring done and I still may not be able to harvest my eggs but I have one other plan and it is Plan C.


Now Plan C is going to all be based on cost and my husband. Plan C consist me using a donor egg. So all in all I will just be out of the equation but My Husband will not be. And that means a lot to ME and to HIM. HE wants a biological child and I am fine with using the donor egg or adoption which ever is fine with me. I just want to be a mother!


I also have the belief that you are not considered a mother just because you have given birth to a child. Because I know a lot of women who have given birth to a child and they could care less about the child. A Mother to me is : someone who loves unconditionally, nurtures a child, wipes the tears, caress them when they are sick and no matter how she has to move the world will do it in a heart beat for her child. You can be a mother and never give birth. I know a lot of women who have adopted and they are the BEST MOTHERS.


So all in all I am going to still try and stay positive. Maybe I can win the lottery and the money won't even be a deciding factor but I know it will be. I know that God has a plan for me, he does I just have to be patience and wait to see what he has in store for me, which isn't one of my better traits. I am very impatience person. But he is teaching me how to be patience.

10 Months

Well baby girl has been gone for 10 months today. Over the weekend we went to the beach just for a few days, it was great. Our first real vacation to VA Beach and it was really nice. We went another couple that is really good friends of ours and had a great time.

We went to a shop called the "Christmas Mouse" and of course they sell mainly christmas ornaments and I found one that was exactly what I wanted to remember Carley by this Christmas (I didn't put up a tree last year). It is a hand painted with an Angel and it says "You may miss me but I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year" and then Carley Noel and her date on the back. It is so very true. I miss her so much but she is the lucky one because she is spending her entire life with Jesus.

Tomorrow will be like judgement day. Tomorrow I find out if I can even try and have another child on my own or if I will have to use a surrogate. We will just have to see if what God has in store for me. I just feel like he put this eurge in me to be a mother and gave me the heart for it I hope that he will allow me to be a mother to a baby her on Earth with us, I love my Angel babies but I would love to have one to hold, kiss, and raise.





So please say prayers.

Told Family

Well I told my family the other day about my blog. I had kept it to myself because I wasn't ready for them to see the New Me since loosing Carley. Everybody was very supportive about it, they made me feel good about doing a great memory blog about my daughter and my feelings.

It has really helped me move through my feeling. This up coming week is going to be hard. But I know that with my wonderful Husband and parents and other family and friends I will make it.

Leaving today for a little get away with my Husband and another couple that are great friends. I am excited to be away for the first time with him and to get my mind right about this up coming week.

Monday will be a very different post I will be posting not only for Carley but for a friend as well.

I Love You Carley and Angel's!!!!

Not Alone

You know today after I posted my last post I looked a a bunch of different blogs that I follow and looked at some that I have never seen before and I realized how sad it is that there are so many of us who have lost babies. It is sad to say but it makes you feel like you are NOT ALONE!

I know that I am unique because of my vein problems but I am not the only woman who has lost a baby (already knew that but still felt alone). Maybe I am coming to the last stage of my grief, maybe I am coming to the acceptance stage. I know that Carley stood a purpose in my life I know that she was put here to make me a mother.

I want to say Thank you to all the women out there who blog about their Children in the Honor/Memory. We will never forget our babies even if the world does.

Love You Carley!!!

Dealing

Well tonight I start a new Bible study at church. I am really looking forward to going. I was suppose to start one this past Sunday at church for Sunday School and I didn't make it cause Scott needed me to ride with him out of town to pick up a van on the rollback so I am excited about going tonight.

I do have to admit I am steal dealing with the Loss of my Carley and babies, every day. I know that there are people who just can put it out of there minds but I can't. I guess for me they maybe my only chance of feeling babies inside my womb. I have to go to the Dr next week to see if I can try again. I have a feeling I already know the answer to that question. I have looked the WHOLE Internet over for information on a person like me carrying a baby and there isn't any. So no wonder I have the Dr's so stumped.

I know I am sounding like a broken record when I say "I WOULD LOVE TO BE NORMAL" but I would. I would give anything but not my Soul to feel "My Baby" being placed in my arms to love, hold, kiss, feed, and take home to raise. All my friends just about have children and when I go and hangout or we have get together's that is what they talk about is raising a child how hard it is, and they tell there stories of what their child has done and it just goes on and on and on. I am sitting there like a knot on a log because all I can talk about is my dogs or my husband. I have nothing in common with them any more. They all can Work, have Families, busy lives and mine consists of how thick my blood was this week, how bad is your pain, how big is your leg.

I know that God has a plan and he never gives you more than you can handle with his help but I would love a hint as to why I have a urge and a longing to be a MOTHER SO BAD when I know that it is prolly never gonna happen.

 Last week was a bad week for me. I had a pity party for myself on Thursday, don't know why I was so lonely, and depressed. But on Friday I felt better I sent this LONG email to a lady that has really became like another mother to me and she just read it and didn't give me you know that "Talk" that people like to give you the one where they try to pump you up and tell you to "Think Positive". I hate that saying "Think Positive" but I know it helps a lot of people I guess I am just to fact base to be a "Think Positive" person. Maybe if "Positive" things happened to me I could be more that way.

Next Monday it will be 10 months since Carley went to heaven, and I try to just keep it to myself but I do post on my facebook as my status. The other women that I have met all send me a comment and some women who have been through it too do. But the one person that I would love to get something from never does. She doesn't even know I have a blog majority of my family and friends don't know cause I feel like they would really think I am a hateful and jealous person when in reality I am just a hurt, lonely, depressed, women who really wants a child of her own and may never get it. I guess you could say I am throwing a temper tantrum.

My Husband is taking me to the Beach this weekend. We have been together for 10 years (only married 3 years)  and this is the first trip we have ever been on together. He DOESN'T like to go any where away from home, but for some reason he said we could go. Another couple has invited us to go with them. Scott is really close to the other husband going. Scott says it is his brother he never had, and I have become very close to the wife. She is someone I can talk to and tell my thoughts and I feel as if she doesn't judge me like some people do. So I am excited maybe he is taking me cause he knows that next week is gonna be hard with Monday being Carley and then on Tuesday I go and find out my fate for motherhood.

All I can do is Pray. I pray that GOD will give a chance to be a mother, a chance for Scott to be a father, my parents to be grandparents and my sister in-law to be a aunt. Everybody tells me how great of a mother I would be. I would just love the chance to show it.

Why do People???

Why do people not consider me a mother of 3 babies? Is it because they can't see them, they can't feel them. I saw them on a screen, I felt them inside, I was sick, I feed them. So to me I am a mother. No my children are not here on this earth for all to see they were so special that God took them right back up with him. He gave me the honor of being there mother just for a short time but it was still a Honor that I truly am blessed with. I know that my bless feelings come out as tears of sadness but I am still feel blessed that my babies were so special enough to come and stay for a little while but got called to a far better place than here with me.

I am a Mother. I am a MOTHER. I AM A MOTHER!!!!!

I have to go in September to see if I can even try again. With all the medical problems I have I just don't know if they are going to let me carry. If I can't carry then I have a family member come and say they would. I have looked into the prices on it and it is high but I will continue to pray about it and I will see where the Lord leads me.

BUT I AM A MOTHER!!!!

9 Months

Well baby girl you have been gone now for 9 LONG months. Sorry this is being posted late but I have been having a hard time getting to post this one. It has been difficult my life right now. Finding out friends and family that are so excited to be bringing home new babies or finding out they are pregnant. I have found a "green envy monster" in me this month and I don't like it. I don't like it that I feel like this. I am not this type of person. I am a very loving and happy person until you left me Carley.

I know that people who have never lost a child don't understand and I am taking it even harder because with the new medical conditions that I have been diagnosed with in the past year may affect my trying to have another baby myself. I do have a great and loving family member who has offered to be a surrogate but just got to find the money for that.

I have a candle for you Carley that I burn in you memory. I am going to have to get a new one, because I have been burning it a lot her lately when I want to feel as if you are near me I burn the candle. Also this year for your memory since I didn't do a Christmas tree I am going to try and find a ornament for you and put your name on it and your date.

It is so hard to believe that you have been gone for 9 months. If you had made it you would be 4 months old and fixing to go on your first beach trip with your family. My necklace broke that I had made with all "My Angel's" birthstones in it. The company did send me a new one but I am going to have to try and find something in a little better quality if I can afford it.

My Carley oh I wonder and think about you so much and I know people think that I should just forget and move on (people who don't understand). But it is hard. I love you My Babies so much and I can't wait to see and meet you in heaven when it is time for me to meet you. I know that you are with Jesus and God and you are in such a better place. But the tears still fall for you until we meet again. I love you all!!!!!!!!

**8 Months***

Well it has been 8 months since my baby girl left us. 8 months ago tonight I came home without her. I know that she was not ready to be here on earth but it still hurts because she is suppose to be 3 months old. I see all these new moms out with there babies that are about the same age as her and it hurts. Not many people can understand what I am feeling words really can't describe it.

If feels as if a part of me is gone that I can never have back no matter how much I try. I think what really bothers me most of all is that I don't even know if I can have kids any more. I may have missed my only chances with my three angels. Since learning all of the problems that I have now it makes me scared that I am not going to be able to have kids. Then I worry about if my husband is making a mistake by giving up his chance at having a family by staying with me. I have told him that he should go but he loves me. For 10 years we have been together (married on 3) come August. I love that man so much it hurts to think of my life without him but you can't help but think he is wasting his chance.

I PRAY so hard every night to God to just bless me with ONE health baby. I always said I didn't want a only child but I would SO BE HAPPY WITH JUST ONE. Everybody tells me that I am so good with children but I just don't know what else to do. I have to wait until November to go and see my Dr at Duke cause she isn't sure I can have a baby with no Inferior Vena Cava, and I am on coumadin so that causes birth defects and I will have to go on a shots if I can try again.

I am also no longer able to work so I have so much on my mind worrying about all of this just sucks. I am not a person that is meant to have other people do things for me. But I have to be and I am a very Independent person, and now I am a dependent person. But I will say that if they say I can try for a baby but I have to stay on Bed Rest I can do it, cause I am not suppose to be up much now any way with my leg. So maybe this is the time God wants I just HOPE and PRAY that the DR and GOD give me the okay.

So Carley Noel Smith even though you are not here with me on Earth today you and your siblings are FOREVER IN MY HEART, and I know that GOD is taking care of you until we meet one day in Heaven. Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you so much.

7 Month

Well Sunday Father's Day will be 7 months since Carley went to heaven. I am feeling better about losing my baby girl. She has opened me up to my faith even more now and I believe that was her purpose to begin with. If you read at the start of my blog I have a poem there call "almost a mother" that poem has helped me so much because I am a mother. I wear my necklace every day and I kiss it every night when I go to bed. No I have never seen or held my baby girl but I carried her and loved her just the same if not more when she here in me.

I know the Lord has a plan for me I just don't know what exactly it is. But I know in his time he will let me know "His Will" for me. I just have to wait and continue to trust in him and go as he leads me to go. I am really following him now. My leg is still bad and I had to quit my job that I love and MISS so much. Now we are a household of one income and I pray that we will make it. I know with him we will.

But back to the poem I have sent that to a couple of my friends who I am sorry to say have gone through something just like me. Losing there wonderful baby. I hope and pray that their hearts are healing and they remember that one day we will see our babies again and that they are being taken care of by the best Father in the world. Our Lord.

6 Month Mark

Well Thursday was my baby girl Carley's 6 month mark since she has been gone. I wanted to post on that date but I have been so sick with a really bad sinus infection that I just couldn't. You know I miss her so much. I have a lot of friends that just having babies and I have to admit I think it is jealous that I am feeling or envy. I HATE feeling that. It is wrong and disrespectful to them, I asked a really good friend if she knew or could tell and she said no that everybody knows how hard it is for me to come and see them and their babies. My cousin just lost her baby a couple of weeks ago and all she can talk about it I can't wait to start trying again. All I feel is hurt for her. I tell her to wait cause I don't know if it has really hit her yet but then again I am not there with her and husband, so she may be crying and just having the strong look for all of us and public.


I am different I don't know if I will be able to have another chance of having a baby. I have a blood clot in my left leg that can only go away with surgery and they won't do that again and I don't have the major vein that takes blood back to my heart so the Dr's don't know if I can even carry a baby full term and be able to deal with the extra blood volume that you have while pregnant.


So I am in a whole different mind set than they are. I guess the only mother I am going to be is to four legs and furry ones. Which I am so sad of because I am a only child so no grandchildren for my parents and my husband is the only boy so no Name carrying on. I feel worthless as a woman. But then their is hope with a surrogacy. My sister in-law said she would carry for us. She has 3 kids and won't be having any more if you understand what I am hinting at. So I do have that option. I know that GOD has a plan for me I know he does I just have to LISTEN for it and TRUST in HIM and be patience.


I have a necklace that I wear every day. It has the 3 birthstones of my babies and their Dates it says Forever in My Heart. Cause my babies will always be with me. And I am so glad that I AM A MOTHER even though a lot of people say I am not cause I don't have mine here on earth but I AM A MOTHER TOO!!!

Been away and here is why!!

Well I will admit that 2010 right out sucks for me. I should have been a new mom but instead I got a life changing HUGE blood clot that has put my life a HOLD. I have had enough problems and now add another one.


It all started in Feb 14, 2010 when my leg started swelling and when I mean swelling I mean it grew 2 inches in two hours. My hubby took me to the ER and they took one look at me and said "You have a blood clot and will be staying with us for a while". They sent me up to have a ultrasound and not only did I have a blood clot I had the mother of all blood clots. I had a blood clot the length of my entire left leg. And when I returned back to my ER room my mom is sitting there and tells me that I had another issue as well I had low red blood cells. So this meant that I had to receive a blood transfusion and a iron transfusion b/c if you don't have RBC then you don't have iron cause that is what makes them. So my valentines gift was someone else blood and synthetic iron. I know that that might not seem like a lot to some people but it was just one other thing to add to my list of things that has happen in this short time of losing my daughter.


So my Dr called in a specialist in blood and he takes one look at my leg and says "Oh you are not staying here" and he sends me to Duke. They do a procedure on me to bust up the clot and to remove it. Now most time they are able to do this in one procedure but I am not a "Normal" human so I have to have it spilt up into two b/c my blood is so thick. So they put me in ICU for the night with the clot busting medications in me. Then the next day they take me back down to finish the removal of the clot and to place stints in the vein. Here is where I really become a freak. I was awake for the whole thing with pain words can't describe the Dr is trying to get into my pelvis area to place the stints and I inform him that he is going into my right leg. Now he is confused and sends me for a CT Scan and you know what we find out I don't have the MAJOR VEIN THAT CARRIES BLOOD BACK TO YOUR LUNGS. It is called the inferior vena cava. Now my body had made new little collateral veins to keep the blood flowing to my kidneys and to my lungs but this meant there could be not stints. But most IMPORTANT it is what saved my life.


One vein saved my life. Now it is a lot more to the story I had to remain in the hospital for 7 more days had pain words can't describe the whole time. But good drugs I may add I don't remember a few days or visitors. But I did come to realize why my daughter had been taken from me. Carley was taken b/c God knew that I was going to have a blood clot and he knew that if I was pregnant I might not have been able to have the meds or the procedure (more than likely) and he knew that I would have chosen her over my own life. I mean isn't that what parents do they give there life for their children. Even though I never held her in my arms, kissed her cheek, or touched her skin I still carried her in me, feed her through me and loved her from the moment I knew I was pregnant. God knows the reasons why he does the things he does at the times he does them. But us as humans don't always understand that. And some mothers don't get a answer like I feel I have gotten in my quest to understand why me.


I know that God has a plan for me. He has a plan for everyone but "Free Will" gets in the way a lot of the time. And people give up on Faith, I know that I did when I lost Carley. I still had a hard time with the fact that people who don't deserve kids (people who God knows is going to abuse the child like with drugs while pregnant or psychically, mental, sexual) get kids and then there are people like us and SO MANY OTHERS who would DIE to have a child and CAN NOT!! But I had a very special lady tell me today that "maybe God didn't plan on them having the child. Maybe they didn't on free will and not as his plan, but it happen b/c they followed the trail less traveled in life. It wasn't that he gave them the child but it is the consequence for their choices they made." Some people it will change there life for the better they will get on the straight and narrow and for some it won't matter a bit and they will throw it away and never think twice. But I am going to look at the positive.


God does things for the reasons that only he knows and we are suppose to trust into him. I can say that I have new look on Faith. I am still trying to recovery my faith and from my blood clot that was removed but is now back. I found out in April that is had returned and it is the same size along with the pain that never really left I just acted like it did. I have no clue what life will hold for me. I have to see Dr's in June to try and figure me out (I really feel for them, cause I am a FREAK). But I do know one thing is that MY LORD AND SAVIOR will be with me. And my LOVING HUSBAND, PARENTS, FAMILY AND FRIENDS will be there to help pick up me when I feel I am weak. But as long as I keep my faith and them close to me I think that I can turn 2010 into a better year in the end.