Thursday, April 11, 2013

Why I have been gone

Well I know I have been gone a long time from here Baby girl. But Mommy felt as if she couldn't write on here anymore once your father found out about this website. You see your father and I have split. When he found out about this blog he printed it off and read it and then turned the things that I have wrote to you on here around to hurt Mommy. So I had to stop writing on here. But you know what. I was the one who carried you, I was the one to mourned for you in private and publicly and I feel that I should NOT have to hide my thoughts and feelings about you from anybody. 

You know I will never forget my babies that I lost, I will never forget how much I would LOVE to have them here with me, how I long to hold them and kiss them, tell them how much I love them. I would love to be able to wipe their tears when they cried, fix them their favorite food, tuck them in at night, and just to be able to know that yes I am a Mother... I don't write on this blog because I haven't accepted the fact that I will never be a Mother, or because I haven't accepted the fact that my babies are in Heaven, I write on here because this blog is what HELPED me ACCEPT. 

It helped me accept that my children died, and that I will never be a Mother. It really hurts me when people say that I haven't accepted the death of my children. Well first of all when your children pass away you are never the same person that you once were. A piece of you goes with them to heaven. I became a mother as soon as the stick showed 2 lines. I understand that for him it wasn't the same. I understand that men don't feel they are fathers until the child is born. But MY BODY is what gave my children life, MY BODY is where they had a heart beat, I felt them kicking, I was the one sick with nausea, and had all of the emotional emotions from being pregnant.  I feel that it is so wrong for someone to say that because I like to write on a BLOG that helped me heal and accept that my children where gone, tell me that because I write on here and the things that I write about they feel as if I HAVEN'T ACCEPTED MY CHILDREN DEATHS.... 

Well first off I feel that those people (really it is just one person but I will not say who it is so I will just refer to them as people) never really accepted that I was pregnant and I was a Mother in the first place. Second those people where not present in any way, shape of form when I lost my children so they have no idea what it was like for me to wake up surgery and have them gone, have to go and pee in a toilet and see all the blood and know that my baby was gone and not there any more. They have no idea the hurt, pain, disappointment and guilt that I carried in my head and heart because MY BODY couldn't protect my babies and bring them to life here with me. Now that I have found out why MY BODY couldn't do that it makes sense. I have ALWAYS had  gut feeling that I would never be a mother. I had told my ex this several times, my mothers, my best friends, and nobody believed me. 

I can't really explain why or how I knew I just did. I knew when I found out I was pregnant the first time that I wasn't going to loose that baby. Everybody told me that I was not going to and just needed to think positive. They were also the same people who told me when I lost the baby that "something must have been wrong with the baby, and it was my bodies way of saving the baby and me from going through something terrible." Well I guess they didn't consider that loosing the baby was TERRIBLE. They are also the same people who have NEVER had a miscarriage saying these things. They wanted to get pregnant and have a baby so they tried and got pregnant and had the number of children they wanted. They did have to be told "I am sorry but you can't have children." Why do people try to empathize with someone over something they have NEVER went through themselves. If you have never went through the loss of a child DON'T TRY AND SAY YOU UNDERSTAND or act as if something was WRONG with my baby. Only God knew the reason as to why my babies needed to go to heaven and not be here with me.

I wish every single day that I really knew the reason why GOD choose me to have all of these obstacles to overcome in this life. Everyone likes to tell me that I am very strong person to overcome and handle everything that has happen to me in my life. Well I don't feel as if I am strong. I struggle to look positive on this life I have but it is the only life I will have so yes I have to accept the things that have happen to me and move on. I can't wallow in my short comings. If I did that I would never get out of bed in the morning (even though some days it is really difficult to do with the pain I have in my leg).  I would never want to be around my friends when they are pregnant, I would never want to be around kids period. But I am not that way. I know that I will never have children or be a mother and I have ACCEPTED IT!! No matter what anybody says I know in my heart that I have. Does that mean that I don't think of my children and miss them every single day of my life, NO it doesn't. 

I feel in my heart and my mind that if I never thought of my children, wished, and longed for them to be here with me then I never cared for them in the first place. Every Mother or parent of a lost child has those very same wishes but that doesn't mean they haven't accepted their child's death it just means that THEY ARE A PARENT and they loved there child more than anything..... "EVEN IF IT NEVER TOOK A BREATH" outside of there mother!!!!

So to my Children Mommy loves you and Misses you every single day. I know that one day I will see you again. Until then I know you are in the best place in the world, you are in Heaven with GOD and you are in My Heart FOREVER!!!!!!