Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Feels like the movie Groundhog Day

My life well I should say life I should say my left leg makes my life feel like the movie Groundhogs Day. If you remember the movie Bill Murray relives the same day over and over again, unlike the movie though my outcome never changes. Went to a cook out yesterday for the end of summer at one of my best friends house. It was great seeing all of my friends again, and all of their children playing and having fun, but it also made me sad. Carley should be here. I should have done more to make sure she made it and had a chance at life. I should have done what all parents would do for their child is give their own life for their child. I should have not listened to anyone and done what I wanted to do which was deliver her. I could have just waited and let my body done the natural thing. My body may have been able to keep in her in longer and she may have had a chance. But instead I listened to my ex husband who wanted me to have the surgery and just get this over with and behind us. 

That was one of the most stupid things I have ever done was not stand up for my child. I don't think I ever did stand up for my children to him. After I left him he tried to talk to me about our children and bought me a necklace with her name on it, but it was all for show. He got mad at me the night he gave me the necklace bc I didn't cry when he gave it to me. Well hell it had been 2 1/2 years and he had never spoke her name or even acknowledged her, hell he even told me it was stupid for me to name her. I still carry a lot of anger towards him for the things he said to me, how he made me feel about myself. But I just have to try to rebuild myself esteem and move on. 

You know how people say in time it will get easier.... Well that statement is a crock of shit. It has been almost 5 years and it still hurts just as bad as it did when it happen. The hurt, the longing, the dreams, the missed opportunities that I will never experience with my children. Nobody every says her name, nobody ever speaks of her, when I do they all just stare at me and someone will change the subject very quickly. That hurts, it hurts when those you love just act as if she never existed. It hurts when all of your friends are sitting around talking, giving advice to each other. Hell went to a baby shower and you had to write down and give the new parents to be advice.... when I got up there I just didn't even write anything down. What advice am I going to give... That was hell 5 months ago and I still think about it. 

See that is something that I am good at thinking, and remembering. I have nothing going on in my every day life. My life consists of nothing but pain physical and emotional. My health or I should really say my left leg that runs my life is shitty. I wake up in pain, I move I am in pain, I lay still I am in pain, I try to sleep I can't because I am in pain. I take the meds that they prescribe for me  and they do absolutely nothing. When you life consists of nothing but pain every single moment you often think what the hell did I do to deserve this. I often feel I just wish I could go back 5 years and maybe the Dr's would have told me the full results, if that would have happened I doubt I would have had a blood clot and I would have never gotten pregnant with Carley and her twin. I wouldn't be in pain every single day, I would still have been in a shitty marriage that should have never happen to start with but hey you live and learn. 

It is amazing how we walk around in our life with blinders on, or rose colored glasses and we have no clue. Well I shouldn't say we have no clue because in the back of our minds we do we just choose to not pay attention to it. I sure didn't!!! But when I did I shake my head at all the things that I choose to overlook or make excuses for. 

Maybe that is why God didn't let my children live, bc I wasn't good at making choices, or God knew I wouldn't be a good mother and just choose to ensure my children didn't have to go through living with me and me making bad choices for them. Hell I know in my heart that God did the right thing. I would suck as a mother, hell I proved that the moment I didn't stand up for my child... God did what was best and he made damn sure I would never be able to have any more children and allow them to die the way Carley did... 

Yep he was right.........