Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Made it through Thanksgiving

Well I made it through the first tough Holiday, Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday but last year it was really difficult.  It was nice to be myself at the holiday. I have had some closure after doing the Balloon release. It helped me with losing her and coming to terms about not being able to have children.

Something else that could have helped was having my husband actually bring up the discussion of surrogate or adoption. It was nice for me not to have to bring it up for a change. He wanted to know all what the Dr had told me back in Oct and we may actually be going ahead with one of them the first of the year. So I am not going to get my hope up either way. I know it is going to cost money that right now we just don't have to do either option.

I have thought if you could have benefit's for surrogacy or adoption??? I don't think that you can but I thought it would be worth a thought. Maybe through God's Good Grace we will be able to do something to get closure to having a baby. It doesn't matter to me which way we get to be parents I just want to be a Mommy to a Earth child so bad.

Please Pray that God will Help us in Making this very Important Decision.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Happy 1year Angelversary Carley Noel

Well the day is here Carley's 1 year Angelversary. I can't believe that my baby girl has been gone for one whole year. Last year at this time I was in so much pain physically and mentally and now my physical pain has ceased but my mental pain is still present and still strong as ever.

I wonder if you ever fully get over the lost of a child. Some people would say that I can't really say that I lost a child when she never took a breath but I beg to differ. I have lost 3 Babies and they were real to me because I knew they were there. Some people would say that "you should be over it", "move on with your life", "thought it would be easier for you since you had gone through it before". These are just a few of the comments that I have gotten about my losses. People unless they have walked in your shoes DO NOT KNOW how much it hurts to want something so bad, to love something so much that you have only seen on a screen only to have it RIPPED from you with no reason known to you.

 I know that God does everything for a reason is what people say but I want to know why he put the love in my Heart for a child to only be told it will never happen for you. It is so hard to go through life and know that you will never have a child of your own here on Earth. Yes I have 3 in Heaven waiting on me when my time comes to leave this world but what am I to do the with Love that I have in my heart for a child here on Earth. Yes I have family and friends that have children that I am around all the time, but you can only love them so much before it may get a little weird to the parents that you have became obsessed with THEIR CHILD.

I am in a Wedding today of one of my BEST guy friends ever. This Man is My Brother I never had. He would do anything for me and he has found the Most Wonderful Woman and Mother to marry. I am so Honored to be in there Wedding, but in my heart it is also a  sad day. For even thought I will smile and be happy for them (because I am SO VERY HAPPY) I will also be hurting. God knew that I would only want to be in bed all day today So I know that he meant for me to be in this wedding. The Bride is such a great woman that she is even going to take part in the balloon release that I have planned for today.

Now I know that SHE is the Bride and that it is her day but I couldn't go through today and not Remember the Memory of my Daughter. So I have around 20 of my close Family and Friends attending a Balloon Release today in Memory of Carley Noel and her sibling's. I have gotten 3 Balloons for me to release for them with Butterflies on them and then a balloon for each person. My Pastor is going to say a Prayer, read a poem, for her. But I am just so happy that this Bride is going to take part in this. How many Brides do you know would let the "Lime Light" shine on another person on Her Wedding Day. I just Thank God that she is allowing me to do this.

 It is funny that I am going to release 3 balloons. I went to the store to purchase all the balloons and I couldn't make up my mind how many I wanted for myself. I first said 1, then changed it to 2, and then I was like no do 3. And after I left the store it dawned on me that I had gotten 3 balloons and never really thought about this but I had gotten 3 balloons just out of the blue and realized that I had gotten 1 balloon for each of my babies. I didn't even think about that when I was in the store. I got my mother 2 balloons that say in the shape of a Heart "You are so Special", and my Best Friend and her Daughter will have a balloon with Hearts on it that says Happy Birthday. If my first baby had made it then my best friends daughter and my child would have been the same age. So I got her a balloon to herself to release.

I know that some people may think that it is stupid for me to do the Balloon Release but I will never have a chance to do a birthday party for Carley and I want to remember her, and everybody to remember that she was real, even though she was in my womb she was here and alive and now she is gone and I have no place to morn her so this is my way to cope with today. Below I have posted the pictures that a friend took for me. The wide shots you can't see them all the way but if you click on the photo it will make them larger and in a slide show.

I want to say Carley and My Babies in Heaven Mommy and Daddy Love you and Miss You Every Day, And Until We Meet Again Sweet Angels In Heaven.

Love You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Hard Week Ahead

Well this is going to be a very hard week for me. I am very quickly approaching Carley's 1 year Angelversary. It is so hard to believe that my Angel has been gone for one whole year. All my hopes and dreams were in that Little Bundle of Joy that wasn't meant to be. You know how you hear the old saying don't put all of your eggs in one basket, well I did that with her. I put all my eggs into that one basket and now my basket is empty and will prolly never be.

I still want a baby so bad, but just one problem my body is so screwed up that it will never happen for me. I know that I have had people offer to carry a baby for me but just finding the money to do such a task is hard on just one income. I have a woman's body that couldn't do the one thing it was meant to do and that was to bear a child from it's womb. People don't know how hard it is for me unless they have walked in my shoes. Have all this hope, these dreams, this pain and you can't do a damn thing about it (sorry for the language but that was the only way I could really put my feeling in).

I mean a woman is suppose to get married to the man of her dreams and start a family. Well I got married to the man of my dreams and went to start a family and my family will never be. There will never be a child of MINE on this earth. There are 3 of them in heaven but none of them will be here with me and I know one day I will see them and they were so special that God said that they deserved to go straight to him, but what about me?? I know people will say that I am just being selfish and that I shouldn't think like that but I can't help but to. That is how I feel.

I am going to do a balloon release on Saturday for Carley at my church. I am also in my best guy friends wedding on Saturday too. It is going to be a very emotional day for me and I don't know how well I am going to handle it. I don't even know how to began to handle it. I have been doing a pretty good job of hiding my feelings from some people or at least I think I am. They prolly can see right through it and I just think that I am hiding them.

I can say one thing I am sure of with my Feeling is that Mommy Loves and Misses Her Angels In Heaven!!!!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


Well I am trying to find a poem to read at the balloon release that I am going to do on Carley's Angelversary. I am going to post some of the poems and I wish that someone would help me decide on one.

An Angel Never Dies
Don't let them say, I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes"
But that won't soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
another child you'll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although, I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An Angel Never Dies........

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said. But I can hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand. She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away ...I watch over my surviving Mom who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others ...a smile of disguise! But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mom tries to cope with death; To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive, as I watch over my surviving Mom through Heaven's open door ...
I try to tell her that angels protect me forevermore! I know that doesn't help her, or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her. Show her that you care. for no matter what she says ...no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.

~Author~Kaye Des'Ormeaux

Until We Meet Again

I have not turned my back on you
So there is no need to cry.
I'm watching you from heaven
Just beyond the morning sky.

I've seen you almost fall apart
When you could barely stand.
I asked an angel to comfort you
And watched her take your hand.

She told me you are in more pain
Than I could ever be.
She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard
Then gave your hand to me.
Although you may not feel my touch
Or see me by your side.
I've whispered that I love you
While I wiped each tear you cried.

So please try not to ache for me
We'll meet again one day.
Beyond the dark and stormy sky
A rainbow lights the way.
~Author Unknown

So if you could please read each poem and give me your opinion. I just want it to be a special Day for her and I want a special poem.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Bad Day Bad Month

Well I hope that I can make it through this month. This weekend is the one year mark of when my life began to fall apart last year. You know some days I think that I am accepting all the deaths of my babies and then somethings reminds me and I start to get tearful again.

I know that people think that "it has been almost a year Jan get it together and get over it" but I am trying but there is always something that reminds me and it is like I am reliving it again. Maybe it is just different for me cause I know that they are my last and only chance of being a MOM. I won't have a chance of a Rainbow Baby, I won't have the chance of a baby prolly at all. My heart hurts so much and sinks every time I think of Carley and my Angels, I know that I should be happy that they are in Heaven with God and all there family but I would love to have been an Earth Mom to them.

I know I was lucky to have gotten pregnant with all my babies and to have them for the little while they were here but I would love to have them in my arms, to kiss them, to have them call me mommy. Carley would prolly be saying Da Da and Ma Ma buy now or babbling and I miss that. I won't know what it feels like to have a child call me that or my wonderful Husband.

My heart hurts for him cause by him being with me he is giving up his chance of being a father as well. I ask him all the time why is he with me? I just feel like he wasting his time being with me, I know how much he wants a child of his own too and his family. I have a hard time being around his family too cause I feel as if they think I wish he hadn't married her, she should just work. I know that a lot of my "thinking" is because I have all the time to think I am home all the time by myself mostly and all I do is THINK.

I try not to worry my friends and my family cause they all have lives, jobs, kids, houses, and problems of there own. I know they don't have time for my nonsense. It is so hard I lost my Babies, then my health went down, then had to quit my dream job, then had my Dream of being a mom taken away, I don't know how much more I can take. I try to put on the smile and fake how okay I am but it is getting old. I don't want people to see me and think here comes the sour puss. But I don't have a lot right now, I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, food in my house, family and friends that love me, a husband who would do anything and everything for me if he had too. I Know that I shouldn't feel this way but I DO.  I want my CHILDREN HERE WITH ME.

And until I see them again I guess my Heart will Always Ache for Them.