Monday, September 27, 2010

I was Thinking......

This morning as I was watching my husband leave for work I was thinking to myself how much things have changed in 1 year.

One year ago I knew I was pregnant and that I had lost one of the twins, I knew that Carley was okay and had a heart beat. I had a job, and would have been at work already. We were so happy, just knowing that I was finally pregnant and my baby had a heart beat and this one was going to be the one. That is what I thought, nobody would have ever thought that one year later I still wouldn't have a baby here on earth, no job, health the way it is.

I always had a gut feeling that something was going to happen that I was not going to be able to have a child. I always had a feeling in my "Gut" so to speak. It is so funny how you "THINK" your life is going to turn out to be and it takes a BIG LEFT TURN and ends up totally different.

I had a very good friend tell me "You wanna make God laugh tell him your plan for your life". I just got to wait for "His Plan" to come into light.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Doctor Visit

Well I didn't really get the news I wanted to hear. I sort of knew that I was not going to be able to carry a baby with all of my health problems, but the news I got was still shocking.

I was told that I may not even be able to harvest my eggs due to the high risk of blood clots/and ruptured ovaries in using the hormone shots. So that was the shocker. I had set all of my eggs into that basket of me having a child was me harvesting my eggs and now they just killed it. I sobbed!!!! What am I going to do now, there goes my chance of being a mother. Something that I want SOOO BAD GONE!! The Dr that told me this was a "Fellow" of my Dr. I guess she is right at the end of going on her own I don't know but she was nice about it and very sympathetic.

Next my Dr walks in and she already knows that I have been hit with those words that no woman wants to hear, but she comes in with I am going to talk to another Dr and to your blood specialist and we are going to see if we can work something out. I am going to have to have some very close monitoring done and I still may not be able to harvest my eggs but I have one other plan and it is Plan C.

Now Plan C is going to all be based on cost and my husband. Plan C consist me using a donor egg. So all in all I will just be out of the equation but My Husband will not be. And that means a lot to ME and to HIM. HE wants a biological child and I am fine with using the donor egg or adoption which ever is fine with me. I just want to be a mother!

I also have the belief that you are not considered a mother just because you have given birth to a child. Because I know a lot of women who have given birth to a child and they could care less about the child. A Mother to me is : someone who loves unconditionally, nurtures a child, wipes the tears, caress them when they are sick and no matter how she has to move the world will do it in a heart beat for her child. You can be a mother and never give birth. I know a lot of women who have adopted and they are the BEST MOTHERS.

So all in all I am going to still try and stay positive. Maybe I can win the lottery and the money won't even be a deciding factor but I know it will be. I know that God has a plan for me, he does I just have to be patience and wait to see what he has in store for me, which isn't one of my better traits. I am very impatience person. But he is teaching me how to be patience.

Monday, September 20, 2010

10 Months

Well baby girl has been gone for 10 months today. Over the weekend we went to the beach just for a few days, it was great. Our first real vacation to VA Beach and it was really nice. We went another couple that is really good friends of ours and had a great time.

We went to a shop called the "Christmas Mouse" and of course they sell mainly christmas ornaments and I found one that was exactly what I wanted to remember Carley by this Christmas (I didn't put up a tree last year). It is a hand painted with an Angel and it says "You may miss me but I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year" and then Carley Noel and her date on the back. It is so very true. I miss her so much but she is the lucky one because she is spending her entire life with Jesus.

Tomorrow will be like judgement day. Tomorrow I find out if I can even try and have another child on my own or if I will have to use a surrogate. We will just have to see if what God has in store for me. I just feel like he put this eurge in me to be a mother and gave me the heart for it I hope that he will allow me to be a mother to a baby her on Earth with us, I love my Angel babies but I would love to have one to hold, kiss, and raise.

So please say prayers.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Told Family

Well I told my family the other day about my blog. I had kept it to myself because I wasn't ready for them to see the New Me since loosing Carley. Everybody was very supportive about it, they made me feel good about doing a great memory blog about my daughter and my feelings.

It has really helped me move through my feeling. This up coming week is going to be hard. But I know that with my wonderful Husband and parents and other family and friends I will make it.

Leaving today for a little get away with my Husband and another couple that are great friends. I am excited to be away for the first time with him and to get my mind right about this up coming week.

Monday will be a very different post I will be posting not only for Carley but for a friend as well.

I Love You Carley and Angel's!!!!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Not Alone

You know today after I posted my last post I looked a a bunch of different blogs that I follow and looked at some that I have never seen before and I realized how sad it is that there are so many of us who have lost babies. It is sad to say but it makes you feel like you are NOT ALONE!

I know that I am unique because of my vein problems but I am not the only woman who has lost a baby (already knew that but still felt alone). Maybe I am coming to the last stage of my grief, maybe I am coming to the acceptance stage. I know that Carley stood a purpose in my life I know that she was put here to make me a mother.

I want to say Thank you to all the women out there who blog about their Children in the Honor/Memory. We will never forget our babies even if the world does.

Love You Carley!!!


Well tonight I start a new Bible study at church. I am really looking forward to going. I was suppose to start one this past Sunday at church for Sunday School and I didn't make it cause Scott needed me to ride with him out of town to pick up a van on the rollback so I am excited about going tonight.

I do have to admit I am steal dealing with the Loss of my Carley and babies, every day. I know that there are people who just can put it out of there minds but I can't. I guess for me they maybe my only chance of feeling babies inside my womb. I have to go to the Dr next week to see if I can try again. I have a feeling I already know the answer to that question. I have looked the WHOLE Internet over for information on a person like me carrying a baby and there isn't any. So no wonder I have the Dr's so stumped.

I know I am sounding like a broken record when I say "I WOULD LOVE TO BE NORMAL" but I would. I would give anything but not my Soul to feel "My Baby" being placed in my arms to love, hold, kiss, feed, and take home to raise. All my friends just about have children and when I go and hangout or we have get together's that is what they talk about is raising a child how hard it is, and they tell there stories of what their child has done and it just goes on and on and on. I am sitting there like a knot on a log because all I can talk about is my dogs or my husband. I have nothing in common with them any more. They all can Work, have Families, busy lives and mine consists of how thick my blood was this week, how bad is your pain, how big is your leg.

I know that God has a plan and he never gives you more than you can handle with his help but I would love a hint as to why I have a urge and a longing to be a MOTHER SO BAD when I know that it is prolly never gonna happen.

 Last week was a bad week for me. I had a pity party for myself on Thursday, don't know why I was so lonely, and depressed. But on Friday I felt better I sent this LONG email to a lady that has really became like another mother to me and she just read it and didn't give me you know that "Talk" that people like to give you the one where they try to pump you up and tell you to "Think Positive". I hate that saying "Think Positive" but I know it helps a lot of people I guess I am just to fact base to be a "Think Positive" person. Maybe if "Positive" things happened to me I could be more that way.

Next Monday it will be 10 months since Carley went to heaven, and I try to just keep it to myself but I do post on my facebook as my status. The other women that I have met all send me a comment and some women who have been through it too do. But the one person that I would love to get something from never does. She doesn't even know I have a blog majority of my family and friends don't know cause I feel like they would really think I am a hateful and jealous person when in reality I am just a hurt, lonely, depressed, women who really wants a child of her own and may never get it. I guess you could say I am throwing a temper tantrum.

My Husband is taking me to the Beach this weekend. We have been together for 10 years (only married 3 years)  and this is the first trip we have ever been on together. He DOESN'T like to go any where away from home, but for some reason he said we could go. Another couple has invited us to go with them. Scott is really close to the other husband going. Scott says it is his brother he never had, and I have become very close to the wife. She is someone I can talk to and tell my thoughts and I feel as if she doesn't judge me like some people do. So I am excited maybe he is taking me cause he knows that next week is gonna be hard with Monday being Carley and then on Tuesday I go and find out my fate for motherhood.

All I can do is Pray. I pray that GOD will give a chance to be a mother, a chance for Scott to be a father, my parents to be grandparents and my sister in-law to be a aunt. Everybody tells me how great of a mother I would be. I would just love the chance to show it.