Wednesday, December 7, 2011

14 Days

14 days till I turn 30. Never thought this is how my life would be. 30 years old and not a Mom, lost her dream job due to health issues, and feeling less of a woman. It is just funny how when you are young you think of your future you think it will be just like you plan.

Go to college get a great dream job that you love, falling in love with a great man, get married and try to start a family. That is when things started to fall apart for me. Got pregnant the first time not planned but still excited only to miscarry at 9 weeks. So then comes the long hard year of trying to get pregnant and you can't so then you go down the road of fertility drugs and you get pregnant with twins. Only to find out that you have lost one at 8 1/2 weeks but the other baby is doing great. So then you put all your hopes and dreams into that little miracle. You go in every two weeks for check ups and you watch her grow, jump, bounce, and every time you see her you fall more and more in love with her. You make it through your 1st trimester great and you finally feel as if everything is going to be okay, only to have that wonderful miracle ripped from you. You grieve for the baby that you lost, that dream, that hope, and you hope and dream for another miracle to be given, only to have that RIPPED from you as well. Then you find out that everything you dreamed when you were little is not going to be.

I can remember being a little girl and playing Mommy, never would have ever thought that is as close to being a Mom I would get, only to play Mommy!!!

Friday, December 2, 2011

It is Gone!

Well I know it isn't a nice way to put it but it is Gone. My womb is gone no babies will come to me from the "natural" way of having children. All my friends hate it when I say it that way but it is true. I know that there are other ways to have a child but it is a BIG change for me. I just hope that maybe one day God will bless us with a child to be ours and raise. I know that I am all for having a child but my hubby is still on the fence I don't know exactly why he is unsure. I have tried to get him to talk to me about it and help me to understand how he feels. I have to wonder if he feels he is getting older and isn't going to have the patience for a child. I just hope and pray that God will bless us and none of us know what God has planned for us but I just don't and will never understand why we were chosen to go down this path....

My recovery is going okay I didn't expect the amount of pain to be like this since the surgery was able to be done laprascopic (spelling). But it has been very painful and I have found out that I am a wimp. I don't see how women can have a c-section and be up moving about and taking care of a baby. Maybe the joy of the baby helps to mask the the pain but I have a new found respect for all of my friends who have been through it.

I have been doing okay emotionally I broke down really bad this past Monday and I just had a good cry as some people would say. I guess I needed that as well. This is not only a physical surgery but also a mental one due to the fact that what really made me a woman is now gone. I know that all my friends who will get pregnant from now on will really hesitate in telling me and I hate that they feel like they have to tip toe around the subject with me but I should really look at it as they care about me enough to feel for me. I just hate the feeling sorry that is given some times. I just want to be a MOM so bad to have the pity patter of feet, the sound of a cry, the eyes of a innocent smiling baby looking back at me and knowing that I am there MOM but I have never felt that. I will prolly never have a child come running to me saying Mommy. I guess I will only be a Mommy to four legged and furry babies....... :(