Thursday, November 17, 2011

The day is here

Well the day is here.... It is 1am and I can't sleep, I am due to be at the hospital at 7:30 for surgery. Everyone ask me am I nervous and yes I am but I am more upset that my dream of being a mother is coming to an end literally.... I mean I know that it has been over for a year but you still have that hope that science would catch up with me and I would be able to be a mother but that time of waiting for science is over as well.

2 years ago today I found out that I was going to loose you Carley so it is only fitting that today I finish the dream and have surgery. I wanted you so bad baby girl and I know that people don't understand why I can't really move on from you. I guess I will always sort of to say be stuck on you cause you were my last try, my last kick felt, last test, last everything. You are but had you made it to us you would have been one of the most LOVED little girls ever. You would have two parents who would always be there for you and do anything they could to keep you safe, loved, healthy, and anything. But I know that you are safe, loved, healthy and waiting for Mommy and Daddy. And I hope and pray one day I will see you again in Heaven and I hope you will know who I am and how much I love you. I can't help but think of the song by Eric Clapton Tears in Heaven....

Mommy Loves You Baby Girl and until we meet again one day I will write to you on here!!!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Almost Here

Well I have less than 48 hours till my surgery. I am nerves, scared, and in a way glad that relief is in the near future. I have been doing a lot of things this week to keep me busy so I won't think about the surgery. This is what I wanted to have the surgery to get relief from the issues I have been having. I am also sad that this will be ending my "childbearing years" as the Dr's like to call it. I have also been thinking a lot of Carley. I can't help but think of all the what could have been..... I guess I will always have those thoughts.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Count Down

Well the count down has begun to your 2nd year in Heaven baby girl. Mommy thinks about your every single day and she misses you more and more. I came to so close to being a Mom with you and I know that he God and my body had allowed it to come true you would have been the best little girl ever. I am sure by now you would be giving Mommy a time with everything. You would have been 2 this coming up April so I am sure by now you would have been into everything.

This month is going to be a even sadder month for me. For this month I have my hysterectomy scheduled for Nov 17th. It is funny that that was the only date she had open because in 2009 on Nov. 17 that is the same date that I found out I was going to loose you baby girl. Mommy's whole life went down that day. My life crashed and I am still slowly picking up the pieces. I hide my pain very well from everyone close to me cause I know they are tired of seeing me cry for you tried of me talking about you so now I just cry in silence, when I am alone, I cry every time I write to you on here.

I can't really believe that I will never be a Mom. I have been trying to push the feeling aside until after I have the surgery to really let it hit me what had to be done but there are so many people around me having babies, or finding out they are pregnant. And I will admit I am VERY HAPPY for them and pray for there sweet babies to arrive here healthy. But there is a pull at my heart cause I know I will never have sweet wonderful news like that. I won't have someone call me Mommy, someone to console, or rock to sleep, to cuddle when they are sick, or someone to watch grow up. All of mine are having to watch and wait for Mommy to go to heaven if I get too.

The date of my surgery is also the day that my Mother-In-Law passed away 11 years before. So hopefully I will have several Angels looking out for me that day. But you know I have come to a point in my life where I don't want to leave my Husband, Family or Friends, but I would love to be able to see and Hold My Babies Just Once!!!!! I would love to hold them and give them kisses and tell them how much Mommy Loves Them!!!! But all I can do is pray that one day I will get that chance.

There is a lot of stuff I have to do before surgery. I am having to get Iv Iron infusions, going to have to start getting my blood thinner through a shot until surgery. The list goes on and on. But one thing is for sure on Nov 20, 2011 I will more than likely be at the place where Carley and I were at the last time I felt her move in me.

I am trying very hard to hide my feelings and act as if I am happy of the upcoming surgery (which with the problems that I am having I am in a way happy). But Sad at the same time. I just wish that God would take the hurt, the longing, the wanting, and the HOPE away of me being a Mother cause I know that I never will be. My chances are long gone!!

Mommy Loves You Angels with All of Her Heart!!!!!!!!