Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Haven't been in the mood

Well I haven't really been in the mood to blog here lately. I have been having some health issues and I just have been really down and out and just didn't really know how to voice my feelings.

Tomorrow I have to go and have a iron transfusion my cycles have been all messed up and my doctors have advised me that I need to have "the talk" with my GYN now. So I go next Tuesday to talk about having a hysterectomy. I am not even 30 yet and I am having to make that final decision.

I know that the Dr's have told me that I can never have children but this just makes it official. There is no hope, luck, changed in my other health issues nothing nada. I am trying to act like that it doesn't bother me and that I am okay with this but in all honesty I am breaking inside. It is like reliving the whole thing all over again. Reliving the fact that I am NEVER GOING TO BE A MOTHER.  I know that some people don't view me as a mother any way cause none of my children lived here on earth but in my body and I am starting to feel the same way. I don't know what it is like to hold my child in my arms, kiss it's head, wipe it's tears, all the things that a Mother does I have no clue as to what that feels like. I am so scared that I am going to turn into a jealous, angry, person who doesn't have feeling because I try so very hard to bottle them up inside me and keep them hidden from people because I know that the majority of them feel I should be so far past all of this. It will be 2 years in Nov since I lost Carley but it hurts just as much today as it did all those months ago.

I really believe the saying "You don't know how I feel unless you have walked a mile in my shoes."

And all I can think of is Why did this have to happen to me?
Am I that bad of a person?
Why does God give children to people that he knows are not going to love them and treat them bad.

Why couldn't I be a MOMMY???????????????