Monday, December 14, 2009

Feelings are Raw

You know I wish that I really knew somebody that had been through this awful thing before that I felt comfortable talking to. People that I have not seen since all this happen I just break right down and start crying. Everybody tells me that "it is okay to cry". I know that it is okay to cry but I live in a small town and I don't want people to think or start saying "you know I saw Jan in Wal-Mart the other day and she was just a crying, I wonder if she is loosing her mind, or going crazy." I know that people really would say "You know I just feel so bad for her, she has been through a lot she deserves to cry." You damn right I deserve to cry. I was never allowed to grieve for Baby A (the twin that I lost in Sept. 2009). I was always told you have to stay clam for Baby B.
But there are some people who don't view that my baby was real cause I never gave birth to it, it never breathed air, and drank from a bottle, or I didn't go through labor. I know this because I have had some people make comments, that b/c I didn't want to go back to work until January, or be out in public around people that I was just giving up. That I was still young and could try again.
THAT IS ONE COMMENT THAT I WISH PEOPLE WOULD KEEP TO THEMSELVES!!!!! I know how old I am, I know that we can try again. But do they stop and think how do I get the nerve to try again, how do I come to terms with trying again. 3 days after my baby died I had people telling me that "your young you can try again." I swear if I have one more person tell me that I am going to screams so loud that you will be able to hear me in the state of Washington. Do they not realize that I just lost the baby I WANTED. To me it just sounds like in my head that my baby wasn't important enough to be here on earth when people say that. I have 3 babies in heaven and I wanted every last one of them.
 SO PEOPLE DON'T TELL SOMEONE WHO JUST LOST THERE BABY "YOUR YOUNG YOU CAN TRY AGAIN." We know that we can try again but let us grieve for OUR BABIES that we just lost.

World Comes Crashing Down

Nov. 8, 2009 is where my story goes down hill. I had gotten back from a Christmas shopping weekend with my mom and best friend. I had taken it easy that night, laid on the couch and just rested. I got up to go to bed around 10pm that night and when I stood up I felt a gush. I froze and thought to myself I just pee my pants. So I went to the bathroom got cleaned up and fresh undies on and it did it again. I knew then something wasn't right. I started freaking out, I called my mom and she said call the Dr on call. So I did that and of course I got one that I had never really like seeing in the office. He told me to "clam down" that the baby prolly on my bladder and to just get some sleep and call in the morning if it was still doing it. Well I didn't sleep any that night cause I kept having gush after gush.

Morning came I called my boss and told him that I wasn't coming in and that I was going to call the Dr office that morning and get an appt. So 9am came I called and they said come on in. Well I was really freaking out cause when I got up to get dressed is when I had a lot of fluid then come out. I stopped and got my husband and mom and the 3 of us took of to the Dr's office which was about 1hr away.

When we got there I saw a Dr I had never seen before but I really did like her. She did an exam and took a swab of the fluid and then sent me to ultrasound. Baby was doing good heart rate was good, fluid level was about 9cm so everything looked good. They told me that Baby A's sac had ruptured and that was the fluid I was loosing. I freaked out, and was told to just "clam down" and she was putting me on bed rest. She said that Baby B was doing great, and that she wanted me to come back in one week and she then how it was doing.

That was a really LONG WEEK. I was so worried. I continued to leak fluid and everybody told me to of course that damn line that I hate "clam down" that it was prolly just from that sac and that is was just where it had built up in my you know. So I tried to be clam and keep my mind off of it. I prayed and prayed and prayed and cried and prayed. I tried to keep my faith and tell God that it was all in his hands but to please let my baby make it to April 2010 in me.

Nov 16 came and we didn't get good news. I had just about lost all the babies fluid and they didn't know what to do next or what to tell me. So they referred me to a fetal expert and had me have another level 2 ultrasound which was going to be done on Nov. 17, 2009. That is where my WHOLE WORLD came crashing down. I could tell by looking at the ultrasound on the TV that is wasn't good. The baby had NO FLUID and could hardly move. I just kept saying over and over I am sorry Mom. I lost this one too, I have to tell my husband that I lost this baby too. I knew that with my training for my job as a hygienist that without the fluid the baby could not move, continue to grow, and the lungs would never develop.

They put us in another room and the fetal expert came in. She told me exactly what I already knew. That my baby had a 1% chance of making it. And even if it did that it's lungs would never really develop and that the brain wouldn't either. I was in such a state of shock I can't really tell you everything she said. She said I had 3 choices: #1 was to have a D&E done, #2 was to be induced into labor (which could take 2 days to deliver) and #3 is to do nothing and just let nature takes it's course. I told her I couldn't make a decision without my husband. So she gave us a card and told me to call.

The drive home I never made a sound. I couldn't cry, talk or do anything. My husband called when we were just about a mile from home. He knew that it wasn't good news cause I hadn't called him as soon as I got out of the Dr's office like I always did. I just started balling. My mom told him to meet us at home and he said it isn't good is it, and she got enough out no that he could understand.

When I saw him all I could say was "I am so sorry" over and over and over. He said it wasn't my fault and to stop saying that. Mom told him what the Dr said and the 1% and he asked me what I wanted to do and I told him I couldn't make the decision. So I let him and my mom make it for me. They chose D&E. They called and got it set up and I had to go down for another appt with the Dr's on Nov. 19 and the surgery would be Nov 20. When I went on the 19 I was already started to dilate and they told me to go home and be very still and hopefully I would make it through the night till I could have my surgery on the 20th.

I made it through the night. I had my surgery on the 20th. The one good thing was that my babies heart beat had stopped when they did the ultrasound on the 19th. So I felt that the choice that we were making as a family was okay.

Nobody can prepare themselves for how you feel after that type of surgery. And even though I had it done before this time was far worse emotioanly.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Jumping Bean

On Oct 2, 2009 I really got to see my "Jumping Bean". My mom named that baby that cause that is what she was doing the whole time I had the 2nd level ultrasound. I just laughed, cried, and dreamed. My mom started doing the same thing.

I called my husband after the ultrasound and told him the good news and that everything look fine and could we tell people. I was 11 1/2 wks and I wanted everybody to know that I was pregnant. I was glowing and smiling and having a very hard time keeping it a secret. But he said no wait until after we got through with the 1st trimester.

On Oct. 9th 2009 I went back for another OB appt. They did another ultrasound and told me that the heart rate was 174 good and strong. I just knew then that it was a girl. I know it was too early but I just had that gut feeling. I called my husband and he said I could do what I wanted with telling people. So of course my mom and I get on our cell phones and go to calling people. I was sooooooooooooo HAPPY.

I was sick some, head aches a lot, tried, but other than that good. I do have to say that I was REALLY PARANOID. I mean I had lost two babies who wouldn't be right. But everybody kept telling me to clam down, but I just couldn't. I look back now and say was that my subconscious telling me that something was going to happen and that I wasn't going to have my happy ending.

Nov 3, 2009 I went for my 16wk appt. I heard the heartbeat with the doppler for the first time. I was well words can't express how happy I was. I had a shopping trip planned that weekend to do Christmas shopping cause I wanted to get on top of it.

Little did I know that it would be one of the last happy weekends I would have.

My Twins Part 1

In March 2009 I was dx with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I was told that I did not ovulate on my own and was going to have to have fertility drugs in order to get prego again. So in July 2009 I tried Clomid at 50mg. I wasn't to sure that I would get prego on my 1st cycle with it. My Dr had told me not to be upset if I didn't that most women had to try several times and she would give me 3 cycles and then we would try something else.

Well I took them and you know the days we were told. Didn't really have much hope but just tried to go about my life normal and not think about it. Well my period was late but I didn't really think I was pg so I let that week come and go and didn't test. That was the 1st week in Aug. I finally tested on August 10th (my wedding Anniversary) and called my mom with the results. I told her not to tell anybody cause I was going to wait and tell my husband later. But I did tell her that I felt like it was two babies in there. Now everybody tells me that I couldn't feel them so I am just going to say that I had a dream there were two babies.

After about 3 weeks of knowing and right many pregnancy test later I finially told my husband. The next week I had my 1st OB appt Sept 24, 2009. I was a nervous wreck!!!!! The ultrasound tech came and put me in the room with my mom by my side. I closed my eyes and told her I didn't want to see anything if there was no heart beat. I also put my fingers in my ears as well. She tapped me on my leg and said I have good news and bad news. The good news was that she saw a heart beat, but the bad news was that I was pregnant with twins and one of them didn't have a heart beat, and I was about 10 1/2 wks. I started to cry.

I was then told clam down "don't be getting upset you need to stay clam for your baby." I tried to get myself together, and remain clam. I then had the Dr come in and tell me that every thing was okay just clam down, don't get excited just yet. I laid back down for the Dr to take a look at my babies. They told me that Baby A would prolly be reabsorb by my body and that was nothing to worry about. It was very common and most women went on to have very normal pregnancies. Then they went back to Baby B and they started talking low and pointing out things to each other, I asked what was wrong and they said "well Baby B may have a very thick neck and that is a sign of Down Syndrome". I started crying again, and again was told to "clam down". Now what did they expect me to do. Just lay there and have no emotion. Hello people I am pregnant and a woman, I am already an emotional person plus my hormones are up come on. 

They told me to get dressed and they would be back in to talk. They sent me to a fetal expert clinic to have a 2nd ultrasound done to measure the space between my babies spine and neck. They did the measurement and I got good news the measurement was really low and so I was told that the baby was normal. I was so happy.

 I just started to dream then that in April 2010 I was going to really be a mommy. That everyone would see that I was a "Real Mom" now.

Angel Baby #1

Well I am 27 years old. I will be 28 in a week or so. My story is sad but true, I am the mother of 3 angels in heaven.  This is the story about my 1st Angel.
I got pregnant in May 2008 without trying. I was still on birth control but I had been sick and on meds that caused my not to work. I was scared, shocked, upset, and worried. I knew women had gotten pregnant and went on to have normal pregnancies but my gut made me feel uneasy and scared. My husband was also the same way he really didn't want to talk about it and just acted as if I wasn't. I went for my 1st OB appt. and I had figured I was around 6 1/2 wks, but found out I was only 4 wks. So that took me be surprise I would letter find out how I came to be wrong. So my Dr said I will bring you back for another ultrasound in two weeks. Came back at 2wks and it took her almost 45 mins to find the baby and then she said she thought she saw a heart beat. But she wanted to bring me back in another 2wks for another ultrasound. Another 2wks and I am laying there with my a different Dr and he is joking and laughing cause I know him on another level due to my job. And he gets quiet, my mom had came with me b/c I am a only child and she wanted to see her grandbaby. He is looking and looking and not saying anything. I look at mom and started crying, freaking out and he asked for another Dr to step in. Sure enough that Dr confrimed that there was a baby but no heart beat. I was around 8 1/2 wks. They told me that they saw the yoke sac still present and to come back in one week and have my level checked and we would go from there. 
That was the LONGEST week of my life. I took off from work cause I couldn't see patients due to the fact I was a basketcase. Went back July 1, 2008 and sure enough my level had dropped from 22,000 to 6,000 which proved that my baby had died. My mom and I just stood there and cried. I called my husband and told me him the news. Asked him about doing the D&E and he said for me to do what was best for me. I chose to do the D&E and do it the next day. So on July 2, 2008 I had a D&E and went home.
When I got home from the procedure I was CRAZY. I was 26 yrs and had to get my mom to help me take a shower and get in my PJ's and settled. Then I had to call the one person I had kept in the Dark about my whole ordeal my best friend (more like my sister due to the fact I am a only child). I had kept her in the dark for a reason, she was also pregnant and she was one week ahead of me in due dates. I didn't want to get her upset and worried, she nor her baby needed that. So I called her after I got settled that night and we cried together.
I returned to work on July 7 and tried to just burry my feelings. I stuffed them I should say with cookies, bread, candy, and anything I could put in my mouth. I gained right much weight. I had some problems with my cycles and went to a new Dr that only lasted one appt and chose another Dr that I really liked and was able to help me. So I stayed there for my next pregnancy.

Friday, December 11, 2009

I am a Mother.

What Makes A Mother?


I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"

This we know is true

"But God can you be a Mother,

When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can, " He replied

With confidence in His voice

"I give many women babies,

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for the day.

And some I send to feel your womb,

But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God

I want my baby to be here."

He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,

And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,

What your child is doing today.

If you could see your child's smile,

With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,

Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much,

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,

Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,

But I visit her every day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear.

Mommy don't be sad today,

I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,

your children are okay.

Your babies are born here in My home,

And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,

Until your lesson's through.

And on the day that you come home

they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,

It's the feeling in your heart

it's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,

you are a Mother.

Until their time is done.

They'll be up here with Me one day

and know that you are the best one!"

Author Unknown