Monday, December 14, 2009

Feelings are Raw

You know I wish that I really knew somebody that had been through this awful thing before that I felt comfortable talking to. People that I have not seen since all this happen I just break right down and start crying. Everybody tells me that "it is okay to cry". I know that it is okay to cry but I live in a small town and I don't want people to think or start saying "you know I saw Jan in Wal-Mart the other day and she was just a crying, I wonder if she is loosing her mind, or going crazy." I know that people really would say "You know I just feel so bad for her, she has been through a lot she deserves to cry." You damn right I deserve to cry. I was never allowed to grieve for Baby A (the twin that I lost in Sept. 2009). I was always told you have to stay clam for Baby B.
But there are some people who don't view that my baby was real cause I never gave birth to it, it never breathed air, and drank from a bottle, or I didn't go through labor. I know this because I have had some people make comments, that b/c I didn't want to go back to work until January, or be out in public around people that I was just giving up. That I was still young and could try again.
THAT IS ONE COMMENT THAT I WISH PEOPLE WOULD KEEP TO THEMSELVES!!!!! I know how old I am, I know that we can try again. But do they stop and think how do I get the nerve to try again, how do I come to terms with trying again. 3 days after my baby died I had people telling me that "your young you can try again." I swear if I have one more person tell me that I am going to screams so loud that you will be able to hear me in the state of Washington. Do they not realize that I just lost the baby I WANTED. To me it just sounds like in my head that my baby wasn't important enough to be here on earth when people say that. I have 3 babies in heaven and I wanted every last one of them.
 SO PEOPLE DON'T TELL SOMEONE WHO JUST LOST THERE BABY "YOUR YOUNG YOU CAN TRY AGAIN." We know that we can try again but let us grieve for OUR BABIES that we just lost.


Kim said...

Hi Jan,

I know what you mean by the unecessary comments, I hated them too! I had to remind myself that people who said things like that or who didn't acknowledge my loss, just didn't understand what I was going thru b/c they had never experienced it. When my SIL miscarried about 2 years before me, I had no idea what to say to her, so I didn't say a thing. I know she was probably hurting by me not acknowleding her loss. But now I know what it feels like.

I know this is a loaded question, but how are you doing/feeling? Write me anytime. Are you on the bump message boards?