Thursday, January 27, 2011

Sims 3

When I had to quit work due to my blood clots my college roommate sent me the game Sims 3. We use to play it when it first came out in college. I can say that I go through spells of playing it. I play it every day sometimes or I play it every once and a while. Right now my Husband said I am going through my "Binge Mood" of playing it. I like it that I can have different jobs, houses, and most important is I can have All the Kids that I WANT TO HAVE!!!! I have one family that I have made that has like 7 kids and the mother is a stay at home Mom.

I know it is weird for a 29 year old woman to be playing a computer game but when you have to be laying down all day you find things to help keep you "SANE" and the game helps me pass the day/ nights. I have been going through a phase where I can't sleep due to some dreams and I can't seem to shut my mind off. I know how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband and parents but there is a HUGE void in me that I can't seem to fill right now. I know that really it will only be filled by a child and I pray to GOD that he will bless us with a child to raise.

I know that it will help complete me. I know the line from the famous movie but it will. I just feel like God wouldn't give me the love and the "Want" for a child that he would never fulfill. I still feel like Hubby is passing his life with me and not knowing if he will have a child is hurtful. If he hadn't falling in love with me he would have a child of his own and with me that will never happen. I know I am just talking to hear my brain rattle is what he would say. Maybe I am, maybe I am just going nuts. hmmmmmmm????

Thursday, January 20, 2011

14 Months

It is hard to believe that you have been gone for that long. I still miss you so much and I know that you are in Heaven and are okay but I still can't help but wish that you were here with me. You were my last chance at having a child but I know that even though you are not here with me on Earth I am still your Mom and I will see you one day.

I miss my other babies too I guess I talk about you more because of that reason I had put all my hopes and dreams into you, and I just knew that God was going to give me a chance at being a parent. That I was going to get to bring a baby into the world that was ours, but I was wrong. He thought you were too special to be here on Earth with us, you needed to go straight to him.

I am doing better but some days are better than others. Some days the pain isn't as bad in my heart for you, but I am scared that people are going to forget that you existed and I don't want that to happen. I will do my best to keep your memory alive.

I will never forget you and I will Always Love You!!!!

Monday, January 17, 2011


Today was another blue day in my blue world. I just have felt really alone today and missing my babies so much. I called up a friend and went over to her house since hubby had to work late. I spent 3 hours of just talking to her about all my feelings, my pains, my dreams, my hopes and how I feel like I have a HUGE BLACK CLOUD over me all the time.

I know that some people don't understand and don't know what to say to someone like me but sometimes it isn't what they say it is how well they can listen. Tonight I just needed a friend to listen to me. I don't have a lot of followers on this blog and don't really get a lot of feed back on here so sometimes I just need to talk to a human to get the feedback of the feeling that someone is listening to me, reading my thoughts something to make it feel like I am not alone.

My family and hubby are prolly all tried of hearing me talk (since all of them will say I have been talking since the day I was born) about the same things and I know that some friends are starting to feel that way too but I can't help it. These feelings that I have are the same EVERYDAY!! Some days they are not as bad as others. Today I guess the weather too had a play in it cold, gray, cloudy day. And I know that winter can make you depressed if you are stuck inside all the time. And the whole point that I don't really want to go any where and spend money that I really don't have to spend in the first place. But I think I am going to try and go out to lunch one day with my friend. Just get out of the house. Wednesday is my day to do that cause that is the Dr day (have to get my blood checked every Wednesday).

But we will just have to wait and see.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

2011 is blue

I know that everybody loves when a new year come up because it gives you a chance at a new start for a new year. Well mine is blue. I am just blue. I am just sad, or in a funk, or just blue. I think I put so much effort into being happy at Christmas that it has caught up with me.  I have tried for so long to show people that I am better about my life, that I am happy (when I am really not), that I am a strong woman (when I am not), that I can handle what life has thrown at me last year.... But in reality I AM NOT. I am not dealing very well right now.

Maybe it is because it will be a year next month that my whole life fell apart again. When I suffered my blood clot that has taken away my career, my chances of having a child, my health, my hobbies, hell to just say it IT HAS TOTALLY SCREWED UP MY LIFE. That was the nicest way I could say it.

I mean for real how many 29 year olds have to give up a career they love so much because it is bad for you health. I LOVED MY JOB, I would also have LOVED to be a MOTHER, but that too was taken from me. There will never be a child on this earth RELATED TO ME BY BLOOD. I will not carry on after I pass, my husband will not carry on after he passes. It will be as if we just blew away with the wind.  We are talking about adoption which is what I really want cause I hope to have a better chance at a child then with surrogacy just because IVF fails and I know my sister in law wants to do it but I don't want her to feel pressure if it doesn't and I don't want to put her through all of the pain of shots, and hormones, and procedures and all the bull crap that is going to have to happen to do surrogate.

I know they say that "This that does not break you makes you stronger", but what if it has broke me, what if I can't get stronger?

Sunday, January 2, 2011

New Year

Well I had that stomach bug that has been going around for New Year's Eve.. I hope that doesn't mean that I will be sick all of this year too... You know the saying what you do on New Year's Eve is how the next year will be... I hope not!!!!

2010 I had enough sickness for a whole group of people and I don't want to have another bad year... 2008, 2009, and 2010 have well in a nice way of putting it Sucked!!!!! I sure hope that God has better things in store for me in 2011. My hubby did take good care of me last night.  I do have a good Husband not many Men would be able to deal with all that we have dealt with and still be in love with their wife. So I Thank God every day that I have him.

I have done a lot of thinking as for my friends. You really do find out who your friends are when you are down and out. The ones that are always there for you to help pick you up and keep you positive on those days where you really just want to bury your head and hide. I know that life is not suppose to be easy, and that it isn't fair but I still pray for a fair hand in this game called life. I still can't help but think am I that bad of a person... I can't have any children, I can't work due to my messed up leg, I have blood clots and there is nothing they can do about them, nobody can seem to tell me WHY I am this way. Why I am the one who has to deal with hit after hit after hit of bad news and there are other people in the world and who I know that have nothing but good things for them.
They have a great job, healthy, a wonderful family (children), house and etc.... I want those things, I want to have a family, a house of my own, HEALTH so that I could go back to work.... But no I have to struggle my whole life has been that way... I am getting tried of struggling and I am not sure if I can keep on doing it.

I know that I will have to Pray for Strength and I am but I just don't know......