Thursday, January 13, 2011

2011 is blue

I know that everybody loves when a new year come up because it gives you a chance at a new start for a new year. Well mine is blue. I am just blue. I am just sad, or in a funk, or just blue. I think I put so much effort into being happy at Christmas that it has caught up with me.  I have tried for so long to show people that I am better about my life, that I am happy (when I am really not), that I am a strong woman (when I am not), that I can handle what life has thrown at me last year.... But in reality I AM NOT. I am not dealing very well right now.

Maybe it is because it will be a year next month that my whole life fell apart again. When I suffered my blood clot that has taken away my career, my chances of having a child, my health, my hobbies, hell to just say it IT HAS TOTALLY SCREWED UP MY LIFE. That was the nicest way I could say it.

I mean for real how many 29 year olds have to give up a career they love so much because it is bad for you health. I LOVED MY JOB, I would also have LOVED to be a MOTHER, but that too was taken from me. There will never be a child on this earth RELATED TO ME BY BLOOD. I will not carry on after I pass, my husband will not carry on after he passes. It will be as if we just blew away with the wind.  We are talking about adoption which is what I really want cause I hope to have a better chance at a child then with surrogacy just because IVF fails and I know my sister in law wants to do it but I don't want her to feel pressure if it doesn't and I don't want to put her through all of the pain of shots, and hormones, and procedures and all the bull crap that is going to have to happen to do surrogate.

I know they say that "This that does not break you makes you stronger", but what if it has broke me, what if I can't get stronger?


crystal theresa said...

((hugs, hugs, hugs)). i'm so sorry that you feel so broken. i'm so sorry for all of the heartache you've had to endure. i know it is hard to be hopeful, but i will be hopeful for you. that this year will bring you the comfort you need and the proof that your survival is strength.