Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Made it Through Another Christmas without Them

Well I made it through another Christmas without Them. It wasn't easy but with my family and friends they helped me. My very Loving Husband got me the Open Heart Angel from the Jane Seymour collection. It was the one thing that I wanted and I was very shocked that he got it for me. He isn't a jewelry type of man but he said after the year we had, he wanted to me have it. He also gave me the earring to go along with it. I am sooo happy to have received it.

The necklace is for all my babies in heaven and I told him that. I wanted it to help me remember them. My parents gave me a Mother's Necklace last year for my birthday that had all of there birthstones in it and then a phrase "Forever in My Heart" and then on the back it had there dates. And it lost a stone but Things Remembered sent me another one. I choose not to wear that one but to keep it nice. So Mom got me a very pretty Cross to wear and I still wanted something to remember my babies by and I saw the Open Heart Angel and I told my Husband that was all I wanted. I even told him he could give it to me for my Birthday and Christmas (he knew that I really wanted it by me saying that b/c he knows I hate to combine birthday and Christmas, it isn't my fault I was born 4 days before Christmas).

This Christmas was hard because it would have been Carley and her twins 1st Christmas. But I know there were with Jesus and I know they had a much better time up there in Heaven than here but I still missed them and would love to have them here with me. Maybe one day God will bless us and allow us to be parents to a Human child, and not only my four legged and furry ones.

Love You and Miss you Angels!!!!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas In Heaven My Angels

Merry Christmas in Heaven babies. Mommy loves you and misses you each day. As all of my friends are playing Santa for there children all I can do is to wish mine a Merry Christmas for I will never be able to play Santa for them. 

I pray to God that I will get to experience being Santa for a child of ours, wither we adopt, or have a surrogate. I pray that we will get to be parents to a child one day. All we can do is pray.

Merry Christmas to My Angels In Heaven!!

Monday, December 20, 2010

13 Months

Well it has been 13 months since you left. Fixing to spend another Christmas without the 2nd of many more to come. Words can not describe how I feel tonight. I am fixing to be 29 years old tomorrow and I have now children and will never have any children.

There are children all around me but none that are mine, and doesn't really look like any in the near future unless I win the Lottery. And since the only Luck I have is bad luck I don't believe that will happen either. My heart is empty I had always hoped and wished to be a Mother and I wanted to have kids before I was 30 but that isn't going to happen. Just when you think that you are doing better with the all of this it creeps right back up on you and there it is just as fresh and new feeling that you thought you were over.

I have been fighting back tears all day and I am fighting them back now as I type. I have seen so many kids that parents don't love them, care for them, or even want them and here we are wanting Children so bad and we are told NO....... Why is that? I want to have a Rainbow baby but NO... I have felt all the babies I am going to feel in me. There will be no more and That Makes Me So Sad.

I love all of you ANGEL'S more and more every day. I miss you more and more every day.

Friday, December 10, 2010

New Blog look

I want to send a BIG THANK YOU to Small Bird Studio for my Blog Make Over. It was great working with you, you helped me get my vision on these pages. I highly recommend them to any of my other BLM. They do a lot for BLM blogs and she is very good and understands how we feel about out blogs. Please if you are interested in getting a new look for your blog please choose Small Bird Studio. You can go to there page on the left side click there button.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Found Something

I am involved in a "Holiday Exchange" program through Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope blog. I got my fellow Mom her gift over the weekend. I can't say what it is because it isn't Christmas yet. But in my journey of finding her the perfect gift I cam across something that I had seen before but I thought were lovely and he never thought about for myself.

Willow Tree Angels are figurines that have different meanings. I was amazed at them. I had seen them before (a friend of mine whose husband gives them to her) they have all kinds of different one. They have one for weddings called "Together" they have a "Healing", "Promise" and the list goes on and on. Then there are some called ANGELS and they have there own sayings as well but they have Angel wings on the back.  Here are a few examples " Angel of Hope", "Angel of Light", "Angel of Wishes and the list goes on and on.

I never knew they had a Angel Collection. I stood at the store and just fell in aww of them. I picked out some that I would like to have for myself. I told my BFF, Mom and friends about them (just in case they haven't gotten me anything for Christmas, I know I am bad). But I would love to have one for Carley and My Angels. I think it would go good with the little remembrance place I have for them on my table with Carley's Candle and her little crochet angels I have received.

I am scared that people will forget her. And I know that I will never forget her and I know my family and close friends won't but I want everybody to know that I am the mother of 3 Angels In Heaven.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I can make it, I can make it

OK I am trying to put on my big girl pants and make it through this Christmas season without loosing it. I have felt pretty good since the balloon release, but I can't help but think "this would have been Carley's 1st Christmas". I would have those ornaments all over the tree and I would be getting her "1st Christmas presents". Getting those pictures taken to send out to all family and friends. Instead I am buying for other children none for me.

I will be glad when 2010 is soon to be over because it Sucked for me. I guess I am just slipping back into the gloom of being a mother with no children here and a woman that will never again feel the kicks of a unborn baby in my womb. It is funny how grief can come and go like it does. Just a few days ago I wrote that I was better and felt I was moving on with my life and now I am slipping back into the sadness.

I know God has a plan but I just wish that he gave Preview Trailers like the movies do.