Sunday, May 23, 2010

6 Month Mark

Well Thursday was my baby girl Carley's 6 month mark since she has been gone. I wanted to post on that date but I have been so sick with a really bad sinus infection that I just couldn't. You know I miss her so much. I have a lot of friends that just having babies and I have to admit I think it is jealous that I am feeling or envy. I HATE feeling that. It is wrong and disrespectful to them, I asked a really good friend if she knew or could tell and she said no that everybody knows how hard it is for me to come and see them and their babies. My cousin just lost her baby a couple of weeks ago and all she can talk about it I can't wait to start trying again. All I feel is hurt for her. I tell her to wait cause I don't know if it has really hit her yet but then again I am not there with her and husband, so she may be crying and just having the strong look for all of us and public.

I am different I don't know if I will be able to have another chance of having a baby. I have a blood clot in my left leg that can only go away with surgery and they won't do that again and I don't have the major vein that takes blood back to my heart so the Dr's don't know if I can even carry a baby full term and be able to deal with the extra blood volume that you have while pregnant.

So I am in a whole different mind set than they are. I guess the only mother I am going to be is to four legs and furry ones. Which I am so sad of because I am a only child so no grandchildren for my parents and my husband is the only boy so no Name carrying on. I feel worthless as a woman. But then their is hope with a surrogacy. My sister in-law said she would carry for us. She has 3 kids and won't be having any more if you understand what I am hinting at. So I do have that option. I know that GOD has a plan for me I know he does I just have to LISTEN for it and TRUST in HIM and be patience.

I have a necklace that I wear every day. It has the 3 birthstones of my babies and their Dates it says Forever in My Heart. Cause my babies will always be with me. And I am so glad that I AM A MOTHER even though a lot of people say I am not cause I don't have mine here on earth but I AM A MOTHER TOO!!!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Been away and here is why!!

Well I will admit that 2010 right out sucks for me. I should have been a new mom but instead I got a life changing HUGE blood clot that has put my life a HOLD. I have had enough problems and now add another one.

It all started in Feb 14, 2010 when my leg started swelling and when I mean swelling I mean it grew 2 inches in two hours. My hubby took me to the ER and they took one look at me and said "You have a blood clot and will be staying with us for a while". They sent me up to have a ultrasound and not only did I have a blood clot I had the mother of all blood clots. I had a blood clot the length of my entire left leg. And when I returned back to my ER room my mom is sitting there and tells me that I had another issue as well I had low red blood cells. So this meant that I had to receive a blood transfusion and a iron transfusion b/c if you don't have RBC then you don't have iron cause that is what makes them. So my valentines gift was someone else blood and synthetic iron. I know that that might not seem like a lot to some people but it was just one other thing to add to my list of things that has happen in this short time of losing my daughter.

So my Dr called in a specialist in blood and he takes one look at my leg and says "Oh you are not staying here" and he sends me to Duke. They do a procedure on me to bust up the clot and to remove it. Now most time they are able to do this in one procedure but I am not a "Normal" human so I have to have it spilt up into two b/c my blood is so thick. So they put me in ICU for the night with the clot busting medications in me. Then the next day they take me back down to finish the removal of the clot and to place stints in the vein. Here is where I really become a freak. I was awake for the whole thing with pain words can't describe the Dr is trying to get into my pelvis area to place the stints and I inform him that he is going into my right leg. Now he is confused and sends me for a CT Scan and you know what we find out I don't have the MAJOR VEIN THAT CARRIES BLOOD BACK TO YOUR LUNGS. It is called the inferior vena cava. Now my body had made new little collateral veins to keep the blood flowing to my kidneys and to my lungs but this meant there could be not stints. But most IMPORTANT it is what saved my life.

One vein saved my life. Now it is a lot more to the story I had to remain in the hospital for 7 more days had pain words can't describe the whole time. But good drugs I may add I don't remember a few days or visitors. But I did come to realize why my daughter had been taken from me. Carley was taken b/c God knew that I was going to have a blood clot and he knew that if I was pregnant I might not have been able to have the meds or the procedure (more than likely) and he knew that I would have chosen her over my own life. I mean isn't that what parents do they give there life for their children. Even though I never held her in my arms, kissed her cheek, or touched her skin I still carried her in me, feed her through me and loved her from the moment I knew I was pregnant. God knows the reasons why he does the things he does at the times he does them. But us as humans don't always understand that. And some mothers don't get a answer like I feel I have gotten in my quest to understand why me.

I know that God has a plan for me. He has a plan for everyone but "Free Will" gets in the way a lot of the time. And people give up on Faith, I know that I did when I lost Carley. I still had a hard time with the fact that people who don't deserve kids (people who God knows is going to abuse the child like with drugs while pregnant or psychically, mental, sexual) get kids and then there are people like us and SO MANY OTHERS who would DIE to have a child and CAN NOT!! But I had a very special lady tell me today that "maybe God didn't plan on them having the child. Maybe they didn't on free will and not as his plan, but it happen b/c they followed the trail less traveled in life. It wasn't that he gave them the child but it is the consequence for their choices they made." Some people it will change there life for the better they will get on the straight and narrow and for some it won't matter a bit and they will throw it away and never think twice. But I am going to look at the positive.

God does things for the reasons that only he knows and we are suppose to trust into him. I can say that I have new look on Faith. I am still trying to recovery my faith and from my blood clot that was removed but is now back. I found out in April that is had returned and it is the same size along with the pain that never really left I just acted like it did. I have no clue what life will hold for me. I have to see Dr's in June to try and figure me out (I really feel for them, cause I am a FREAK). But I do know one thing is that MY LORD AND SAVIOR will be with me. And my LOVING HUSBAND, PARENTS, FAMILY AND FRIENDS will be there to help pick up me when I feel I am weak. But as long as I keep my faith and them close to me I think that I can turn 2010 into a better year in the end.