Sunday, May 23, 2010

6 Month Mark

Well Thursday was my baby girl Carley's 6 month mark since she has been gone. I wanted to post on that date but I have been so sick with a really bad sinus infection that I just couldn't. You know I miss her so much. I have a lot of friends that just having babies and I have to admit I think it is jealous that I am feeling or envy. I HATE feeling that. It is wrong and disrespectful to them, I asked a really good friend if she knew or could tell and she said no that everybody knows how hard it is for me to come and see them and their babies. My cousin just lost her baby a couple of weeks ago and all she can talk about it I can't wait to start trying again. All I feel is hurt for her. I tell her to wait cause I don't know if it has really hit her yet but then again I am not there with her and husband, so she may be crying and just having the strong look for all of us and public.

I am different I don't know if I will be able to have another chance of having a baby. I have a blood clot in my left leg that can only go away with surgery and they won't do that again and I don't have the major vein that takes blood back to my heart so the Dr's don't know if I can even carry a baby full term and be able to deal with the extra blood volume that you have while pregnant.

So I am in a whole different mind set than they are. I guess the only mother I am going to be is to four legs and furry ones. Which I am so sad of because I am a only child so no grandchildren for my parents and my husband is the only boy so no Name carrying on. I feel worthless as a woman. But then their is hope with a surrogacy. My sister in-law said she would carry for us. She has 3 kids and won't be having any more if you understand what I am hinting at. So I do have that option. I know that GOD has a plan for me I know he does I just have to LISTEN for it and TRUST in HIM and be patience.

I have a necklace that I wear every day. It has the 3 birthstones of my babies and their Dates it says Forever in My Heart. Cause my babies will always be with me. And I am so glad that I AM A MOTHER even though a lot of people say I am not cause I don't have mine here on earth but I AM A MOTHER TOO!!!