Tuesday, October 23, 2012

sigh.......

You know everyone has a point they reach in there lives to where enough is enough.... Just how to do you know exactly when you have reached that point... I wish that I could just not care what people thought of me and just live my life for me and FOR ME ONLY!!!!!!

But I try so hard to please EVERYONE!!! I just want to be happy in this So called life I have to live... If I am not happy what is the point in LIVING!!!!!

Monday, October 15, 2012

October 15th Remembrance Day

Well it is Remembrance Day... I have Carley's candle lit and will have it lit all day today. I miss my babies so much and I hope that they world will remember all of the babies gone too soon today and there families.

I just had someone to ask me on Facebook if I was ever pregnant they didn't know that I had been and they kept seeing my post about today. I told her my short version of my story and she was very caring about it... What is funny is that me and this person never really got along... It is amazing how people can change and life can bring you close to some and pull you apart from others....


I know that in grief there are stages and I feel as if I flip flop back and forth through them. I just have to wonder if I will ever fully get over my babies deaths or will I just grow use to the empty feeling I have in my heart of wanting them with me.... I can't explain to people what it feels like to know that you will never have a biological child walking this Earth... When I am dead and gone that is it there will be nothing of me to live on. There will never be another generation... It will just be finale and gone... 

People who have children and who can have children often take for granted the wonderful Miracle they have been given... They get so wrapped up in life itself that they forget to actually take time with their children and love them, hug them, kiss them and just cherish the beautiful miracle God gave them.... It is usually people like myself that help remind them of the gift they have and help them to take the time to cherish it and live their life to the fullest with there children.

I hope that people today who have children will remember us whose children are not with me. I hope that people will ask about our children and know that we love to talk about them even if it is hard for us to talk about. We don't want the world to ever forget our children existed and for a Mother of 3 Angels that is one of my fears... 

Carley Mommy loves you and misses you every single day and I pray that you are in God's arms and that Jesus and Him are given you kisses from me... Until that wonderful day when we will meet for the first time... 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Trip

Well I went to Boston last week for a friends wedding and I absolutely LOVE the city!!!! I would go back and visit any time hell if I could restart my life I would prolly wish I could live there... It was so wonderful to walk to everything and hear the horns, and ride the train!!! So many different places to eat, pubs, bars, stores, shops, I just loved it...

I have often thought of what my life would be like if I could restart it and choose a different path... I wonder if I would have went to a big city and would my life have still ended this way or would I have stayed here and everything happen the same way... There are so many things to think about and wonder about in this life... I love new things, I love to experience new things, new places, meeting new people... 

Life has a funny way about it sometimes... The things we dream about when we are kids and think we want sometimes end up being just that dreams cause in life you never really know what you are going to get...

Monday, October 1, 2012

Dreaming

Every night here lately I have a dream.... In my dream I am a mother to a beautiful baby girl that I love more than anything in the world... But the dream doesn't have a happy ever  after...

In my dream my life is great I am the happiest I have ever been with the love of my life... We adopt a little girl and everything is finally perfect... I am raising the family I always wanted and then the hole bottom falls apart... I never see my little girl grow up, I don't get to be with the love of my life... I don't even get to be here at all... In my dream something happens to me... I can't quiet seem to figure out exactly but in my dream I am home with her and then the next flash I am looking at myself in the hospital bed on a vent and dying I guess.... 

I know that it is very morbid but I know that it is negative to dream that but why do I dream it just about every night and I wake up at the exact same part every night with him sitting there crying and talking to me begging me to wake up and stay with him and her... I try so hard to wake up I try so hard to tell myself that I can't leave them I finally have "My Dream" and now I am just leaving it all be hide. Then I see a little girl come toward me and call me Mommy and she looks at me and I just start to cry cause I know it is "Her" it is Carley... She looks at me and says Mommy it is time, It is time for you to be with us, it is time for you to come and take care of us now... I take her hand and go with her and there are my 3 Angels standing there waiting for me... 

I know one day I am going to see them and I know that people say you can't pay attention to dreams but to have the same dream over and over it feels like it is trying to tell me something but I have no clue what it is...  I know that I want to see my babies so bad sometimes that it doesn't matter how I get to see them... I have always said that if it is  my time to go I am ready... I am not scared of death, I know that it will be hard for the loved ones I will leave but I know that I am going to be with my children... I guess when i suffered my blood clots and there for a few days everybody was scared to death that something terrible may happen to me... But I wasn't scared at all (I know that I was under  heavy drugs and all) but I just felt like well if this is it this is it... I still feel that way... I have my family yes but I have no children here to keep me or worry about... I know that for my friends and family it would be terrible and hard... I know all of my friends are scared about death cause of there children but I don't have that... 

I know that everyone at some point in life will have to say goodbye but I hope my dream is wrong and that my time IS NOT UP ANY TIME SOON.... 

Monday, September 24, 2012

My Song

Maroon 5 song "Sad" is my new favorite song... The piano in this song and Adam's voice just melts me... I have listened to this song I know a billion times today and tonight... I just keep it on repeat... It has a lot of meaning to me so I am going to post the words to the song.....

                                                                        "Sad"

                                                           Man, it's been a long day
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad

Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad

Now the words to this song have meaning to my life right now in ways that I won't talk about on here... But I had to post it... 

Carley Noel Mommy loves you so much.... 

Happy Angelversary

Today is Carley's twins Angelversary... 3 years ago today I found out that I was indeed pregnant and that they did see a heart... then I got the BUT there is Baby B and there is No heart beat... 

So Angel Baby B Mommy Loves you and Misses you every single day.... 

Music

There are so many songs in this world that just stand out to your feelings that you are having at the moment in your life... Right now I have a lot of them that have really touched me... I bought the new Maroon 5 CD and I am so in loved with the majority of songs on it....

One is called "Sad" and that song just touches a cord with me so much... I have been sad tonight. Have you ever felt like just throwing in the towel and saying "I quit"... Well I am just about to put the white flag up and surrender... To surrender is so hard!!! It makes you feel as if you are a failure... I feel like that just about every single day... I know that in order for me to surrender I have to say that "I quit", "I give up", "I am weak".... That is what it feels like to me... 

It is funny how certain songs can just touch you... Another song that touches a cord with me is "Paradise" by Cold Play... The words in the song go 

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly

Last year when that song came out I listened to it every single day... I even went as far as to say if anything happen to me last year when I had my hysterectomy that if anything happen to me I wanted that song played at my funeral (morbid I know but with all the blood thinners I take and all the complications that could have happen I planned my funeral the night before my surgery just in case to make it easier on my family). 

Another song that I have been listening to a lot is P!nk "F Perfect" There is a part in the song that says

You are so mean when you talk about yourself
You were wrong
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead

Now those who know me know (and I am sure we all are) that I am worst critic... I think nothing but negative things about myself every single F'ing day... Now I know everybody is going to say that you shouldn't think like that but hell we all have done it in our life but with everything that has happen to me in the last 2 years (almost 3 come November 20) I feel as if I am all the negative things that I think in my head...

Another song I love is "Baby Mine" now you all know it is from the movie "Dumbo" but also from the movie "Beaches"... When I was pregnant with Carley I would sing this song every day for her... I always said that when she got here I would sing it to her every night... Now I sit in the dark and listen to it and think of how special and precious to me she was and would have been to me...

Now I could go on and on and on about the many songs that I have been listening too here lately and tell you each one of them and how they make me feel and why I like them and how it relates to my life but hell I know y'all don't want to sit here that long to read this boring shit... 

The hole that I have fell into just seems like it is never ending and I feel as if the daylight at the top is getting dimmer and dimmer and I can't seem to climb out of it... I do a pretty good job of putting on the smile, and the I am so happy and I love my life... But I am getting tried!! I am not sure how much more I can fake... I know that I just have to hold on a little bit longer and my meds will kick in (the increased dose of Prozac)... But damn I wish it would hurry up!!!

I know that life is not fair, balanced, equal, square, or even a straight line... But must the road of life been all speed bumps and huge hills to climb... Can't it sometimes be just flat and even. Because to be honest I seem to be running on fumes... I need my tank refilled and I am just trying to make it to the store to do so.... 

Carley Noel Mommy loves you so much baby girl... Please know that every single day I think of you and your siblings and I love you and Miss you so much. I know one day I will hold you and kiss you and I hope you will know who I am... But please baby girl keep those that are close to my heart safe  

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Love

Well I have decided to keep writing on here... I need a outlet even if it is just for myself... I know that my husband will never understand why I miss my babies so much... I guess the saying is true that men don't become fathers until they hold the baby... We become Mothers as soon as we see the + sign on the test or the two lines...

I have entered a giveaway on Somewhere Over the Rainbow in memory of her daughter Hannah who passed away 3 years ago this Friday... I found Katy by accident right after I lost Carley and our daughters were the same age at death... Katy helped me get through some tough times and also she helped me start my blog. She was placed in my life in a very Dark moment and her daughters blog is on my page please click it and join....

Her other blog that she has is giving the give away she is a very creative person and she has started making these beautiful blocks that I really want!!!! I showed them to my husband tonight and he said why you want them... I informed him I wanted them to Spell Carley Noel and to place on the mantle where her other memorial items are... He just doesn't get it... I am going to post two pictures of the blocks... tell me if you think there are pretty...


Carley Mommy Loves you and Misses you sooo Much baby girl... Give your siblings a kiss from Mommy... 



Thursday, September 13, 2012

Nobody

I think I am going to stop writing on here. I know that there is really nobody reading anything I put on here. I know that it helps me with my thoughts but I don't have people commenting back so I don't know if my thoughts are good, bad, should be different or if others even care...

I just need feed back even if it is good or bad. I wish someone could tell me if I am only in the ways I feel or not.... 

I was watching TV tonight and I saw a lady who got a piece of jewelry made for her child who passed away at birth and it was beautiful.... I have my necklace but I want something that is from me and for my children. I found this beautiful ring that I wanted but hubby said no grant it is would cost $800 so I completely understand... But it was gorgeous it had diamonds and then you could put each one of your children's birthstone in the spaces between the diamonds... Now if I got the cubic z stones it was $475 which would be fine with me... but maybe one day I will find that piece of jewelry that I can't live without for my children....

I often think of ways that I could do things to remember my babies... I feel each day that passes I am slipping farther from them... I want a tattoo but hubby says no on that too... I just need to have something that is on me at all times that is for everyone to see about my babies... I think since I don't have a place to morn for them that I could at least have something on my body that would show the world they were here they were real, they did exist.... 

But I think I will just stop with all the writing cause it doesn't do any good to just write and no one care....

My Angels in Heaven I love you so much and I wish every day that you were here with me and I am sorry that Mommy couldn't bring you into the world... I wish with every breath I take that you were here..... 

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Have you ever

Have you ever woke up one morning and thought today will be different... Today I will be different, no more feeling sorry for myself, no more guilt, no more hurt, no more pain, no more no more no more no more no more......

Well I didn't exactly wake up this morning feeling like that but as my morning went I had this wonderful feeling that everything was going to be okay.. That I may be able to just get through one day and have it end wonderful.... Well I tried... and then I messed up...

You know what hurts more than actual physical pain itself... Hurting someone you love... I did that twice today... I hurt two very important people in my life by me just being me and all in my head I said some hurtful things today that I wish I could take back... Just goes to show me that the old saying you have always heard in your life "never say anything in anger" is true... Neither person that I said some hurtful things to today had anything to do with why I was mad. I was mad at myself and I leashed that anger out when I should have leashed it to myself.... But isn't that how it goes... When we are mad at ourselves we usually through it onto the ones we love...

Well I did just that and I have said I was sorry to my loved ones but does it make a difference... No it didn't make me feel better for what I said or did, and all it did was leave them thinking what had they done to me for me to lash out... NO matter how many times I say I am sorry they will still remember that I said those things, or I acted that way..... 

I know from my heart that I was only mad at myself and I have no one to blame but myself and I take that blame and hold full responsibility for it.... I just hope one day they will know that I am not perfect, I make mistakes all the time, I am trying to do the right things, I am trying to follow my heart and make the right decisions that is best for my life... I am trying to hold on to "My Dream" but no matter how hard I try I feel like I maybe pushing "My Dream" further and further away from me.... I hope that I can catch it one day!!!!

Carley Mommy loves you and misses you ever single day...
To MY Angels In Heaven I love you babies!!!!! 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Trying to hold it together

I had my friends over tonight with there 10 day old son and I was doing really good with everything... I cooked supper and was enjoying there company. I tried to stay busy so I wouldn't have to really have time to think you know and then when dinner was over I knew I had to prepare myself....

They placed him in my arms and I said I didn't want to hold him cause I could feel the tears in my eyes coming.... But I held him and I did so good I held back the tears until they left and now it is like a waterfall... My husband has no idea cause he is sitting in the chair watching TV... I know he wouldn't understand and I am so happy I have this blog to vent how I feel...

I am so happy for them he is a precious little boy so sweet, and beautiful (I know I shouldn't say that about a boy but he is).... They are so lucky... Before they came over tonight I went ahead and lit Carley's candle and asked her to give me the strength that I would need to get through the evening....

I am such a bad person here my friends are nice enough to come over and bring there new son and all I could do was think in my head and in my heart this will NEVER be me... I will never know what the feeling is like to hold my child in my arms.... I will never know what it is like to have a child call me Mom... I will never know and I want to do is ball but I won't I will hold it in and be strong... I will not (I hope that I won't)....

I am such a awful person.... I shouldn't feel like this... I am so happy for them don't get me wrong... but all I want to do right now is fall apart....

I am such a awful person......

Monday, September 10, 2012

Huh!!

Every day I try to get up and be positive on what the day will hold for me... But I have been on a emotional roller coaster... One minute I am happy, sad, crying, and mad.... I know that it has been almost 3 years since Carley left me to be with God but in my heart it still feels like yesterday... I just don't know what I can do to move on... 

All my friends have children but me... All my friends are talking about growing there family to even more children and I am so so so happy for them but all of them feel as if they can't talk about it with me... They all try and hide it and I am the last to find out about there new additions... 

Most friends don't want to talk to me about it... I know that it is hard for them to know how I feel but if they never ask me questions about her or ask me how I feel about talking about her how will they ever know how I feel... I don't want to push the topic on them and make them talk about her with me when I know in there hearts they DO NOT want to talk to me at all about her....

Every day I dream about what it would be like to hear her voice calling Mama to me in the morning... what it would be like to have her here and being with her, kissing her, holding her, chasing after her, doing all the things that mothers get to do... But the only problem is with me is I can only do those things in MY DREAMS...

I will never be able to do them here on Earth... I miss my babies oh so much...
Mommy Loves you My Angels In Heaven!!!!! 

Need Your Help Please

As many of you know I have a Facebook page and it has the new timeline.... well I have a photographer friend who has offered to do my another cover photo for Carley and I need some ideas as what to do... I will post the picture on here of the current one I have but would like to do a new one... So PLEASE PLEASE suggest any ideas that you have.... 



Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Today

Today was a better day for me... I spent the whole day with my parents who spoiled me today and even though I am 30 years old it was good to be spoiled by them.... 

We are at the beach and at dinner tonight I went to the restroom and had a lady ask me about my necklace I have the open heart angel necklace. She asked me if that was for my child and I said yes.... I went ahead and told her yes it is for my children who are in heaven. They are my Angels in Heaven and she was shocked and said she was sorry she asked... 

I hate that people have to say sorry... I know that it is just human nature and that she was prolly a mother herself and it was just out of the kindness of her heart. I told her she didn't have to be sorry that I was happy to tell her about my children, and that it didn't bother me a bit....

This may sound bad but I love when people like to talk to me about my children even if they are complete strangers.... At least I know that when I talk about them the world hasn't forgotten about them and that is my one of my fears... I know that my children existed cause they were inside me and I felt the sickness, and the kicking, the Dr's appt and the heart ache every day that I am alive knowing that they are not here for me..

My family is around me this week with all of there children and it makes me happy and sad at the same time... I want to have memories like they are having with a child....

But I know in my Heart that it won't happen.... Why can't I just get over it??? Why do I have to feel so damn said every single day when I see a family with a baby, or a pregnant person, why do I always have to wish for things that I know will not happen to me??? 

Carley Mommy misses you every single day... I can only imagine what it would be like to have you here with me at the beach and making memories with you... what would it be like to have a child here... I will only be ble to imagine it... 

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Why Bother!!!!

Ever had some of those days when you feel like WHY EVEN BOTHER!!! Well I have been having those days all week... Everyone is coming at me asking me question about my life and I am just to the point where I don't even know what to tell them cause I feel like Why Bother with it....

Now I know some may take that as I am saying I give up but some days the day just defeats you and you have to go to bed and just get up the next day and try all over again.... but right now I just want to go to bed and sleep for like a month and wake up and my life be totally different... I know that will not happen unless I do it myself but OMG I am freaking out... My stomach kills me every single day, I am just a total mess inside and I am trying to hide it from everyone I am close too because I don't want them to worry even more about me... I know they only worry cause I know they love me but they stress me out even more... I just need moments... Moments to scream, cuss, cry, be pissed off and just vent... 

But I am trying to please everyone and trying to say all the right things to everyone.... 

And I am feel is I am failing everyone.... And I am not saying or doing anything right....

Carley Mommy loves and Misses you so much!!!! The day I get to be with you in Heaven will be Heaven for me... 

Just why CAN'T I BE A MOMMY???????? Why does everything in my life have to be so HARD while others have it so easy.... People think I am a very strong person but I am falling apart inside and I feel as if I have no safety net, and no one to catch me when I fall.... 

Ugh!!!!!!! I wish I could just RUN FAR FAR FAR AWAY and when I returned my LIFE WOULD BE WONDERFUL AND HAPPY AND FILLED WITH MY BIGGEST WISH!!!!!

ME A MOMMY!!!!

Friday, August 31, 2012

Hard Day

Today has been very hard for me and I am not really sure why.... I have been having a rough month with missing Carley and "My Dream"... I was in a very low mood today and tonight and thought I would look up some poems that may help me and I found this poem and wanted to share it with you.



Dear God,
Please hold my unborn child in your ever-loving embrace.
Please let my child know that my love can't be erased.
Please bless me on this earth and help to ease the pain.
Please plant a seed within my baby's heart of sunshine, not of rain.
Please help the days get easier and the nights go quickly by.
Please hold my hand when I can't do anything- but cry.
Please increase my faith so I believe my baby is with You.
Please forgive me when my sadness makes me come completely unglued.
Please let my baby know that there'll always be a place-
within my heart, just for my baby, full of Divine Grace.
And, when You call me Home to Your Kingdom up above-
Please let me hold the baby-
I never held...
but, always loved.
Author Unknown

I feel every word of this poem or prayer... I feel this way every single day of my life... And I know people are going to be upset if anybody reads this but I wish the day would hurry up and come where I could be with my babies... I can't help but wonder if they need me to hold them, to kiss them, to love them, do they need the love that only there Mother can give them... Hear lately I have cried myself to sleep if I sleep at all, or I have cried all day long for my babies... 

My husband won't adopt and I want a child in my life... I need a child in my life... I just wish that is God is dead set on me not having a child in my life that he would just take the hurt, the longing, the desire, and the need for a child out of my heart for good....

I love you Carley Noel and Miss you every single day!!!



New

While I was on a short vacation last week I went into a shop that had Snow babies figurines and I found one that I just had to have... I have I guess what you will call a little shrine of different things that I consider for Carley and this is the newest one.

It is called Angel of My Heart.... 

Depressed

I am in a terrible funk and feel the black hole that I have sunk into is going to swallow me whole... The only real way to express my feelings here lately have not been to healthy for me but feel as if they are the only way...

Getting ready for a family vacation and I am excited because I get to spend the whole week spoiling my cousins kids (he is 9 months younger than me and has 3 of the most beautiful kids)... I know this week is going to make me wish I was a mother even more cause his kids are so lovable and love to cuddle which I will do with them every second they will let me...

I am hoping that the time I spend with his wife who is a really good listener and gives good advice will help me with some life decision that I am looking at... I know that life is not fair and that life is what you make of it but how do you know if you are doing the right things in life???

How do you know what to do in life??? How do you know when to give up on a dream??? How do you know if you should listen to your heart or your head when they are telling you two different things??? Just how do I live my life with no child in it??? As I write this I feel numb, I feel as if no part of my heart knows what I should do... I want a child so badly but husband refuses to adopt and it is not up for discussion... I am just so lost in what I want and what I know I am going to get in this life... 

I mean lets face it I can't work cause of my stupid body and leg just won't let me... I mean I could work but I would face loosing my leg and I know it is just a leg but still it is apart of me and has been for 30years... I know that the Dr's say it is in my best health interest in not working but people just don't understand you would think it is great to be told you can't work and to just be at home all the time but when you feel like your home is a prison in which you can't run from
 what then???

I am not a homebody, I am a people person and have been my whole life, and now I am at home all day with just myself and I will tell you right now that is not good for me cause I have never liked to be at home all the time... I have never liked to be by myself a lot I was a only child and I was alone most of that time.. yea I had my parents but do parents really understand there children... UMM NO they don't

I know that I am limited in my life but should I limit my happiness on that too??? I just feel you get one life and you should be happy I know that life isn't always happy but hell I haven't been happy in 2 years since Carley was taken from me and I know that a child can not make you happy but I feel as if I would have a purpose to my life.... 

And right now I feel I have no purpose, I feel as if I am just here taking up space and air and that is a very lonely and sad way to live a life... Tell you from experience.....

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

.....

I try every day to make people happy. I try every day to do the right things in life, I try every day to do everything I can the right way... But I am so tried of trying and it seems as if I still don't do anything right....

I know that I am only human and I that I am not perfect nor do I ever want to be perfect but I do want to feel appreciated and loved... I know that I am a very hard person to live with I am sure, and I know that all my friends tell me that I am too hard on myself that I need to give myself some credit but I can't help but think that I am not doing enough or have done enough... I know that there are things in my life that I can not control and oh how I wish that I could... If I could I would be a Mom (which is something I know will never happen), I would have my dream job back (which is also something I know that will never happen), I would be a independent person again and not having to depend on people to do stuff for me.. 

I know that my life could be so much worse I understand that completely but when you have always had your own money and done your on things in life to now be stuck at home with no money, and having to ask permission every time you want to do something it really brings you down.... And I have a dream of being a Mom that I just can't let go of.. What do you do when the other person doesn't have that same dream... We did have that dream when we thought we could have children and now that we can't he won't adopt and just tells me I need to just give up on that dream... I refuse to give up all hope on that dream I have so much love in my heart for a child... 

What am I suppose to do??????

And when do I get to make Myself Happy?????

Monday, August 27, 2012

Trying

Every day I wake up and I try to put one foot in front of the other...

Here this week is going to be really hard. I have a couple that I am very close with that is fixing to have there first baby... I am so happy for them, They are going to make amazing parents... I was asked if I would come and see them when they got home and see their New Bundle of Joy.... At first I said yes of course but now that the week is here I don't know what to do....

I don't want them to think i am selfish and I don't want to ruin there MOMENT!!! I don't want to go there and start to cry and make them feel bad for me... I want to go and show my love and how much I care for them and their new baby but I just don't want to ruin it for them... Any advice???? If anyone is reading????

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Why???

Why do things have to happen in life that you wish had happened earlier?????

Monday, August 20, 2012

A lot on my Mind

I know this is my 3rd post today but I just have to get this off my mind... I was watching a movie tonight called "The Help" it is a wonderful movie if you have not seen it yet I am sorry but what I am about to talk about is going to spoil the movie a little bit for you...

There is a part in the movie where one of the wives has suffered a miscarriage and she has suffered several in silence she does not tell her husband about them. She just gets through it the best she can and plants a rose bush for each of her babies....

Now my husband was watching this movie with me in the bed and when it got to that part I had already said good night and turned over cause I have seen the movie before, he has not... He watches the part and just lays down and says nothing about it...

Now this pisses me off to NO END!!! Why won't he acknowledge the fact!!! I know it is a movie but the women is so hurt by this and by feeling unworthy for not giving her husband a child and yet my husband who has seen me go through this 3 times myself says nothing... I feel like I should have never told him... If I was going to have to suffer through this alone and in silence then I feel as if no one should have known about the babies at all... But he did and still NOTHING.... 

I just wish he would understand the hurt I feel when he doesn't acknowledge what I have been through.... I try to be a strong woman, I try to hide my feelings, I try so hard to please everyone, and do what everyone expects me to do BUT I AM SICK AND TRIED OF IT!!! I am sick and tired of thinking of EVERYONE ELSE!!! 

Especially when it feels as if No ONE thinks of me............

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Love

These are just a few of my favorite quotes I have found... 

“The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

“The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.” 
― Chuck PalahniukInvisible Monsters

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

“There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.” 
― Sarah DessenThe Truth About Forever

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” 
― Lao Tzu

“Love is like the wind, you can't see it but you can feel it.” 
― Nicholas SparksA Walk to Remember

“Love is needing someone. Love is putting up with someone's bad qualities because they somehow complete you.” 
― Sarah DessenThis Lullaby

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)I want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)” 
― E.E. Cummings

“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Loves is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It dose not take offense and is not resentful. Love take no pleasure in others people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.” 
― Nicholas SparksA Walk to Remember

“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.” 
― Chuck PalahniukChoke

“What's meant to be will always find a way” 
― Trisha Yearwood



School

As school starts tomorrow I read all of my friends post of them talking about sending there children to school for the first time. I can't help but have the thought that I will never get to do that. I will never have a child to take to there first day of school.... I will miss all the activities that you do with the kids at school... I won't get to go on field trips, I won't get to go to school plays, dances, PTO meetings, festivals....

It makes me so sad..................................................

August 19th Day of Hope

Today is the 19th of August it is suppose to be a Day of Hope. A day that all of us BLM's are suppose to feel as if we can speak out about our babies and not feel alone about it. A day that we come together with the ones we love to remember our babies... But for some of us we don't have anyone to talk to about our babies because those we love don't want to, don't acknowledge our babies, or feel as if it is just wrong to talk about them and worse of all feel as if they didn't existence because they never took a breath outside of there Mother's body...

It hurts me to know that they only people I have to really talk about my children with are the ones that follow and just by chance happen to read my blog. My husband doesn't read this... I know he thinks I should be over her death but she was my last chance at being a Mother and I am sorry I just can't forget about her. I don't forget about any of my babies... I wanted them so much, and I know that one day I will get to hold them for the first time but I will go ahead and say I look so forward to that day. I know they look down on me but I can't help but wonder if they need there Mommy... 


Do they need there Mommy just to hold them, to just kiss them the only way a Mommy can, to tell them they are loved the only way a Mommy can. I want to be a Mommy so bad but I know I am 30 yrs old and that some of you will say that is still really young, but I know in my heart that I will never be a Mommy... I guess that is why I am so sad today... I know that no matter what I want in my life there are some things that just will never be and I feel that this is one of those things... I wish with all my heart that I could be a Mother, and I feel as if I am Mother already but I want to be a Earth Mother to a child here with me and not one that is in Heaven and so far away from my touch and kiss... Even if I never have a child call me Mom, I would still like to have one in my life that I help to raise and love. All my friends children I love them with all my heart but I feel as if I may love them too much I am too attached, and I don't want my friends to think I am crazy over there children but they are the closest I will ever get to a child... 


I just wish my life was SO different and I know that if I really want that I have to really sit back and think to myself what is it that I want... I know what I want but I just don't know if it will ever be reality or will it always just be in my head, heart and dreams............


Carley Noel Mommy Loves you so much... Please give your siblings a hug and kiss from Mommy.... 

Friday, August 17, 2012

I love it!!

Today I am very lucky I have 3 babies in my home all day long.... Now 2 of them are twin boys that are 1 yr old and 1 is 7weeks old....

I know that it is going to be a very busy day for me but I absolutely love having children in my home... They are so sweet and loving... Children trust you, love you, and just brighten up my day... 

Why can I not have a child in my home all the time... Why can't I have one in my life God please I am begging you I just feel in my heart that I am not suppose to live a life without a child... Please Lord please bring me "My Dream" to me please....

Carley Noel please watch over these precious babies that are in our home today baby girl give Mommy the knowledge and the ability to keep everyone safe and happy.... Mommy loves you baby girl....

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Tired

I feel as if everyone gets tired of reading my blog b/c I repeat what I type is the same thing over and over and over.... 

So to anyone who is reading if anyone does read this please tell me if I need to just stop writing. I don't want people to think I am some crazy woman who can't get over the loss of her babies and can't seem to move on with her life. I know that My Dream and dream of a child is probably never going to happen I can't help but think that one day it might. 

I just can't help but feel like I would be a good Mom... I may not know everything about what it is like to carry a child in my body for a whole term but I don't feel like in order for you to be a Mom you have to give birth. I maybe wrong but that is what I think.

I don't think the feeling will ever go away, and I can't help but pray that God will place a child in my life no matter how or whose child it maybe I will LOVE IT AS MY OWN!!!!

Carley Noel Mommy loves and Misses you every single day of my life. I will always miss you and Mommy will Always Love YOU!!!!! 

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Why do people......


I have a question why do people feel as if I don't like to talk about my children? I love to talk about my babies even though there is not much to say about them... But people feel as if I don't want to talk about them or the fact that I will never be a Mom...

I have accepted the fact that I will never be a biological Mom and I don't mind talking about it. It actually helps me to talk about it. I am a person who can not hold anything in for long because if I do it makes me very depressed and feel alone (which I feel that way all the time and all day long most days)... Even when my Husband is home I still feel alone in my thoughts. I can't talk to him about them because he doesn't understand why I feel this way...

I miss my children in the fact that I miss the fact I will never have a child call me Mom... But it is okay I have a lot of children in my life that I am very close to and that I love as if they are my own... I know that my friends that I am very close with know that I would never let anything happen to there children as long as I am present... I would lay my own life down for a child... any child...

I can't help but hope that one day I will have a child in my life to love. I know that it will prolly never happen but still can't help but hope for it.... Like I said in my post before Dreams don't always come true but I really do hope and pray that My Dream will come true. All I want is LOVE in my life... and right now I don'[t know if I have that or not. I know that I child would not complete me but I think it would help me. If My Dream never comes true then I don't know what I will do...

I got sort of off topic on this post tonight but I just have SO MANY thoughts running through my head right now that I can't seem to think of anything else but My Dream and I want My Dream to come ture so bad I don't know if I have ever wanted anything more than this Dream... It is hard when you think in the form of reality that it will more than likely NEVER happen.... How do you accept that, how do you go on with knowing that, how do you live with the thoughts of nothing but a Dream that is so far from you and no matter how much you dream about it wish about it think NONSTOP about it is so far from your reach and your mind tells you it will NEVER BE but your heart will not give up on it because you love that Dream so much. A Dream that you don't know or ever will know but in my dreams at night I know this Dream is the best thing that I have EVER DREAMED of in my life......

I just wish that it would come TRUE so bad it hurts me physically inside...

Back on topic now I just wish that people wouldn't tip toe around things with me I wish they would just say what is on there minds and know that it doesn't UPSET ME, it makes me feel good cause I know that SOMEONE cares enough to ask....

I just wish people would TALK to me and TELL me what they think instead of tip toeing around the subject..... 

Carley Noel Mommy loves you and wishes you were here every single day of her life. If I had to go back in time I would do it all over again for you baby girl. I would have given my life so that you could live and be here. I just feel as if I didn't do enough for you baby, I feel like I am slowly forgetting you and I don't want to ever forget you. Mommy remembers the first time she saw you on the TV screen at the Dr's office you jumping all over the place just full of life, and Mommy wishes she could have given you a life, I would have given you the world as close to it as I possibly could baby girl. And you would never have to wonder if Mommy loved you because I would have told you all the time (like I do now)... Even though I know you are not here I still think about you, and tell you I love you every single day cause I feel as if you are looking down on me.... 

I hope that one day I will have the LOVE that I am so desperately seeking in my life......... I just don't think it will happen though........ :'(

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Hurt

The word hurt can mean so many things....

Right now I just hurt in my heart, my soul, my body and my mind. 

I want that hurt to go away more than anything but I don't think it ever will, how do you live with a hurt that no matter what no Dr, medicine, food, or water can ever make go away...

How do you live with it?????

Friday, August 10, 2012

Comments

I love how you can comment on this blog and still remain anonymous...... It makes sense for some people to stay in the shadow but still give love and support.....

Dreams.....

You know Dreams are some times sweet, scary, real, and lies....

When you are little you always Dream you will meet a great guy, and fall in love, get the house of your dreams with the beautiful family that dwells inside it, the great job that you always wanted... And then you have reality... 

My dreams were similar to every ones but then you have those Dreams that you know will NEVER come true and I have so many of those in my life. So much of my life seems like a nightmare that I just can't wake up from. 

I have a lot of things that I am very happy for my family that loves me no matter what, my friends that I am extremely close to and there kids but there is always ONE dream that will never come true. Those dreams are the ones that we wish would every single day we wake up....

I dream every night for a dream that I know will never come true, I know this will never be even though some tell me "you never know what life may hold in the future"...

This one dream I know will never come true but I still in my heart and in my mind will ALWAYS wish for this dream no matter where in my life I may go.... No matter what may happen I will always wish and dream of this dream, but right now will never be reality and some days you are able to be in your dreams for a short period of time and think of what could or what we wish would be our reality but you always have to come back to Reality... Reality for me right now sucks and I want SO badly to stay in my dreams every morning when I wake I want to go back to sleep so I can continue my dream that I am so in love with....

Dreams are wonderful...... I won't give up on My Dream.... Maybe one day, maybe in another life not this one but just maybe My Dream or Wishes will come true Until then I hope I can continue to Dream about it every single night........ 

But some times we have to give up on a dream.........

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Song

Well as you all know that i have been very down lately. I had some friends suggest songs for me to download... They are all songs that are for not being able to be with someone you love and I wanted to share them with you.

They are mainly rock I guess you would say...

Stone Sour: Hesitate

Flyleaf: All Around Me ( I like the acoustic version better than the rock one)

Avenged Sevenfold: Dear God

Skillet: Comatose

I feel that each one of these songs express how I have been feeling the last couple of months.... now I know that some will be darker than most people listen too but as I have been saying I am in a very dark place right now and I am trying to find the light....

Carley Noel Mommy love you with all her heart baby girl and even though I will never hold you in my arms and give you a kiss all I can do is pray that You are being loved in Heaven and that every kiss someone gives you up there please know that it is from Mommy with all the love in her heart until I meet you in Heaven one day baby girl....

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Blah....

Well I am waiting very patiently for my meds to kick in. I know the Dr told me it would take me a few weeks for the increase in my meds to help me with my anxious feeling and my sadness that I just can't seem to get away from.

It is so hard to describe what it feels like to be in a room full of people and still feel so lonely inside. I feel as if nobody knows the real me. I feel as if I can't talk to people who do not suffer with depression or who understand everything that I have been through in my life. I just hate trying to describe and feeling that you just can not put into words.

I hope that one day I will be able to accept the life that God has given me, even though I am very unhappy with how I have lived it.... I even feel as if not only am I letting down the people here on Earth with me but that God is also disappointed in me. I know that I have to accept these things that have happened in my life and I need to move on but how do you move on with something that you still so desperately want. I would love to get up every morning and have a job to go to, to work again for money, to feel as if you have contributed to the world some how. Right now I just feel as if I am just another object taking up space in it. Just another useless object that people don't really need around but they keep it just because they don't really know how to get rid of it or it was given to them by someone and they don't want to hurt any one's feelings.

And I know that you are reading this going "You shouldn't feel that way about yourself, there are so many others out there that have had a harder life than yours". I know all of this but how do you tell your MIND TO STOP with all of this. I have thought this way about myself secretly for I know 20 years. I have never really liked myself and I know that everybody says that but I have just gotten really good at acting in front of people. Acting normal and that everything is good and inside I am on the verge of falling all to pieces. Even my Hubby doesn't really know or understand this. Tried to explain it to him but he doesn't even really know I have a blog... Most men keep all of there feelings inside and just try to push them away and never talk about them.... Well he does but I am not like that. I have to get them out if it is on here or to a friend. But I am careful as to which friends I tell my most darkest stuff too...I just hope that soon the meds will kick in and I will start to feel better.

I just wonder if I would still feel this way if my babies had made it. If I was a Mom would I still suffer in silence. I just don't think that I would... I just wish I could have a reset button on my life..............

Friday, August 3, 2012

No Words....

I am finding myself with no words lately to describe how I have been... I am slowly but not willing to accept that I will not be a mother (other then to my four legged children). My husband does not want to adopt and I am trying very hard to let that dream go of being a mother. Never thought I would actually have the courage to write it on here. I still don't want to give up all hope but slowly it is fading and I find myself with a big empty hole in me that I don't know if it will ever close. 


I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. It is like I am a empty spineless shell of the woman I once was. I feel as if I have nothing. I have a husband who loves me, a roof over my head and food... but a big part of me I will never have and I don't know if I will ever be that person again. I was once a strong person... now I feel weak and unattached. Unattached to a life that I worked and wanted so bad... I wanted to be a mother more than anything else and now that the door has closed on that dream I feel as if I don't know what I am here for any more. I have talked to my doctor and she increased my meds to help me with these feelings of anxiousness or nervous feelings. I feel as if I have never and will never do anything right and I was not like this before my world crumbled under me 2 years ago. 


Loosing my babies and then facing the life changing blood clots that took my job, my lively hood, myself worth away from me in a very short 3 month time period has totally rocked me to my core. I feel as if I can't get back to the person I once was. I haven't been writing on here much maybe, if I came back to it and got all these thoughts out of my head and feeling I have that I try to keep buried inside of me I would slowly get back to her... I just don't think that she is still there. 


I go on with my life and try to smile, try to act happy, try to show everyone that I am okay and that I am not breaking into a million pieces... But I can slowly feel I am loosing that fight. And my stomach is slowly telling me that I can't keep this up. I just hate having to involve my friends in family in my feelings cause they are the same every single day. I have told them I know a million times and they never change. It never feels as if they are any better, and I just gotten to a point where I know my friends are like You have to get over this, You have to accept this, You have to move on, You have too, YOU HAVE TOO!!!! 


But I just don't think I can, and I don't want to disappoint people any more than I already have............... :(

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Holding on!

Well I have been away went with my Mom to Colorado for a few days. I had never been that far West before. Everyone there thought I was from DEEP DOWN SOUTH!!! When I told them I was from Southern VA they were shocked. I must really have a deep southern accent.


When in the airport yesterday there was this little girl who had the most beautiful and infectious smile. She just starred at me and smiled and waved. I couldn't help but stare back and think of Carley. I wish that she was here for me to look at and to smile back at. I just haven't been able to get past her birthday this year. It has been very hard for me this year for some reason. I just wish with all my heart that She and I could be together. I hope that One day I will see her and I know she will be beautiful. 


I want to plant a flower garden here at the new house for her. I just don't know anything about flowers to even begin. I don't have money to pay someone to come out and landscape the area for me so I am going to have to do it myself. I wanted to do it this spring. But we will just have to wait and see. 


Mothers Day is this Sunday and I know all of my friends are going to be busy with there kids doing stuff for Mother's Day and I will be home probably crying my eyes out wishing I WAS A MOM!!!!!!


But to all my fellow friends out there in Wed World. Happy Mother's Day!!!!!! 

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Happy Birthday in Heaven!!!!

Happy Birthday in Heaven Carley. Mommy misses you every single day, but today is a little harder. It is a rainy cold day here at home. The weather just makes me feel even more gloomy. I wish you were here for me to hold and kiss right now, but I know that you are getting plenty in Heaven with all your family members up there. 

Sunday, April 1, 2012

I know I have been away

I know I have been a way a long time. Can't believe I have not posted since January. But nothing much has been going on. I wake up every morning wishing I had a different life. Wishing I had a child. Still stuck in the same time spot as I was 2 years ago. I know they say time heals all wounds, but does it really. I mean I don't feel like I have healed all that much. Last weekend we were moving some stuff from our old house that we finally rented out and I found my pregnancy test from my pregnancies. I got all emotional!!! My husbands friends were just looking at me like I was some crazy person, who the hell saves pregnancy test that are over two years old. But I can't throw them out. They are the only and last ones I will ever take in my life. 


I thought I could do this moving on with my life without writing on this blog any more but I have found out that I can't. I can't go and not express my feelings about how each and every day I wake up and I wish for something that WILL NEVER HAPPEN!! I wish to be a Mommy, to have a child even though it wouldn't be my blood would mean so much to me. I look at my friends kids and all of my friends have children. They have RESPONSIBILITIES that My Husband and I don't have. We can go out every weekend (even though we don't), we can sleep in, we can do a lot of things that our friends can't. But they are all getting to do the ONE thing that I would die for and that is to be a parent. 


I probably wouldn't be a good Mommy any way. I would suck at that just like I do at everything else. My whole life I have felt that way. I have always had very low self esteem but failing at being a Mom has taken over my life. Well that and the fact that I have a huge blood clot in my left leg and I can't work and I feel like such a failure at my life even though all of this is out of my control. I just can't help but feel like a worthless excuse of a Woman. The one thing that I was so scared of before I got married was becoming pregnant out of wedlock (live in the south and it is still a big thing here in the Small Town USA) and come to find out I NEVER should have been so worried about it. It was never gonna happen to me anyway. ALL OF MY FRIENDS  are afraid to tell me that they are pregnant. I mean I know they are like that cause I TALK about it all the time (guess I need to start bottling up my feeling about this to them). My husband doesn't like to and won't talk about it with me. I don't have any friends to go to that can't have children. I am all alone in this here (talking about where I live). And I know this is going to sound so STUPID but I am so sick of people telling me that GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU. I know that he does, I know I am am suppose to have patience in finding out what his plan is but I also feel like I am wasting my life here. I AM 30, can't work, can't have kids!! I know what you are thinking but you are ALIVE, you are HERE tonight I feel like saying oh yeah well Had I known that this is how my life was gonna be I would have not been begging GOD to save me 2 years ago from the clot I would have been saying take me I am ready. I would never take my own life let me just get that out there right now. But there are days and nights that I wish please lord don't let me wake up in the morning. 


That is awful I know told you it was going to be. But I just feel like I don't have anything to live for. I never do nor have I EVER done anything right in this damn life. I guess the experts are right when they say that grieving process can switch from one stage to the other cause I feel like tonight I am skipping through all of them except Acceptance. Am I ever going to just ACCEPT that I am NEVER going to be a MOM. I would suck at it anyway so I should just GET OVER IT!