Monday, September 24, 2012


There are so many songs in this world that just stand out to your feelings that you are having at the moment in your life... Right now I have a lot of them that have really touched me... I bought the new Maroon 5 CD and I am so in loved with the majority of songs on it....

One is called "Sad" and that song just touches a cord with me so much... I have been sad tonight. Have you ever felt like just throwing in the towel and saying "I quit"... Well I am just about to put the white flag up and surrender... To surrender is so hard!!! It makes you feel as if you are a failure... I feel like that just about every single day... I know that in order for me to surrender I have to say that "I quit", "I give up", "I am weak".... That is what it feels like to me... 

It is funny how certain songs can just touch you... Another song that touches a cord with me is "Paradise" by Cold Play... The words in the song go 

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly

Last year when that song came out I listened to it every single day... I even went as far as to say if anything happen to me last year when I had my hysterectomy that if anything happen to me I wanted that song played at my funeral (morbid I know but with all the blood thinners I take and all the complications that could have happen I planned my funeral the night before my surgery just in case to make it easier on my family). 

Another song that I have been listening to a lot is P!nk "F Perfect" There is a part in the song that says

You are so mean when you talk about yourself
You were wrong
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead

Now those who know me know (and I am sure we all are) that I am worst critic... I think nothing but negative things about myself every single F'ing day... Now I know everybody is going to say that you shouldn't think like that but hell we all have done it in our life but with everything that has happen to me in the last 2 years (almost 3 come November 20) I feel as if I am all the negative things that I think in my head...

Another song I love is "Baby Mine" now you all know it is from the movie "Dumbo" but also from the movie "Beaches"... When I was pregnant with Carley I would sing this song every day for her... I always said that when she got here I would sing it to her every night... Now I sit in the dark and listen to it and think of how special and precious to me she was and would have been to me...

Now I could go on and on and on about the many songs that I have been listening too here lately and tell you each one of them and how they make me feel and why I like them and how it relates to my life but hell I know y'all don't want to sit here that long to read this boring shit... 

The hole that I have fell into just seems like it is never ending and I feel as if the daylight at the top is getting dimmer and dimmer and I can't seem to climb out of it... I do a pretty good job of putting on the smile, and the I am so happy and I love my life... But I am getting tried!! I am not sure how much more I can fake... I know that I just have to hold on a little bit longer and my meds will kick in (the increased dose of Prozac)... But damn I wish it would hurry up!!!

I know that life is not fair, balanced, equal, square, or even a straight line... But must the road of life been all speed bumps and huge hills to climb... Can't it sometimes be just flat and even. Because to be honest I seem to be running on fumes... I need my tank refilled and I am just trying to make it to the store to do so.... 

Carley Noel Mommy loves you so much baby girl... Please know that every single day I think of you and your siblings and I love you and Miss you so much. I know one day I will hold you and kiss you and I hope you will know who I am... But please baby girl keep those that are close to my heart safe