Today

Today was a better day for me... I spent the whole day with my parents who spoiled me today and even though I am 30 years old it was good to be spoiled by them.... 

We are at the beach and at dinner tonight I went to the restroom and had a lady ask me about my necklace I have the open heart angel necklace. She asked me if that was for my child and I said yes.... I went ahead and told her yes it is for my children who are in heaven. They are my Angels in Heaven and she was shocked and said she was sorry she asked... 

I hate that people have to say sorry... I know that it is just human nature and that she was prolly a mother herself and it was just out of the kindness of her heart. I told her she didn't have to be sorry that I was happy to tell her about my children, and that it didn't bother me a bit....

This may sound bad but I love when people like to talk to me about my children even if they are complete strangers.... At least I know that when I talk about them the world hasn't forgotten about them and that is my one of my fears... I know that my children existed cause they were inside me and I felt the sickness, and the kicking, the Dr's appt and the heart ache every day that I am alive knowing that they are not here for me..

My family is around me this week with all of there children and it makes me happy and sad at the same time... I want to have memories like they are having with a child....

But I know in my Heart that it won't happen.... Why can't I just get over it??? Why do I have to feel so damn said every single day when I see a family with a baby, or a pregnant person, why do I always have to wish for things that I know will not happen to me??? 

Carley Mommy misses you every single day... I can only imagine what it would be like to have you here with me at the beach and making memories with you... what would it be like to have a child here... I will only be ble to imagine it...