Sunday, February 20, 2011

15 Months

So hard to believe that it has been 15 months today since you left me. I am reminded every day by my ache in my heart for you. You and my others Angels are always on my mind and in My Heart Forever! I will always long for the time that I could have held you in my arms and kissed you. Given and been presents for all your first things, but the Lord had another plan in mind for you. Even though your time here was short and I may never fully understand why I was never able to meet you I know that the Lord gave you to me for a reason and you saved my life.

I know that God gave you to me because he knew that you would be my final chance, he wanted me to feel you inside me, to feel your kicks and know that you were a girl. God knew that if he didn't take you and I still ended up with the blood clot I would have put your life before mine, just like every other mother would do for their child. I would have wanted to protect you and give you the fighting chance to have a life here on Earth with Me and Daddy. But I know I will meet you one day in the most amazing place that we can even dream of. I know that you are in Heaven and you are not alone you are with Family, Siblings, and all the other Angels Babies that have gone too soon but Never Forgotten.

I love You Carley Noel and Angels!!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Maybe Looking up I said Maybe!!

Well I got some good news today wish I could share it but just not yet. I have been praying and praying that 2011 would be a better year for my husband and me and just maybe things are starting to change but it is TOO early to tell yet.

I am still on my med and went to the Dr last week and he told me that my leg still has a clot in it (big one) and that it would be long time before I will or ever will see a change in it. My blood is still a yo yo up and down all the time. I now know exactly why my patients use to fuss about being on coumadin it sucks you can't eat what you want (well you can but you have to take a HUGE dose), and with a huge clot like mine you can't do anything that you want to do. I want to work like a normal person so bad and I can't. I know people look at me and think "what the heck is wrong with her why can't she work instead she sits at home on her fat tail and makes her husband work his tail off trying to pay for everything". I know I should NOT care what people think but I do.

Yesterday I spent the day with my friend Joan... Helped me pass the day cause I would have sat at home crying and thinking about how this should have been Carley's 1st Valentine's Day with us. I just really ticks me off every time I see people who need more kids or a kid at all like they need a hole in there head pop them out left and right. I wonder if I will ever get over that feeling???? I still feel a little empty inside, my dreams of being a Mom to a child feels so far away like I may never be able to accomplish that and it bothers me to no end. I feel as if my husband and I would be great parents, but I know what everybody is going to say "God has a plan" and he does just wish he would give me a preview like the movies do.........

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Well it is has been almost a year since my life took a turn upside down. This upcoming Sunday will be 1 year since my blood clots in my leg took away my job, my chance of being a Mom, and what I would have considered being a "Normal" person.

I had to reach out for some help with my looming depression that I have been trying to hold off on my own but for some reason the whole month of January I could just feel myself getting in a black hole and not being able to find may way out. Some people may call it a bad funk but I had to reach out to the my Dr's for some meds to help me. They haven't taken it away but they have helped take the edge off. Still struggling every day with only having one income in the house, still no word on my disability I just hope and pray that it comes through. I know that if people look at me they can't see or tell except for my limp that there is really anything wrong with me. I know that some people feel that I should just suck it up and try to work. I did that last year and worked for one week and then spent a week in the hospital, and the Dr's said it was just too dangerous. So what am I suppose to do. I worked and paid my money and they just told me that "I should get a sit down job, and one that was less stressful" and denied me my disability. Thing is I HAD A sit down job as a Dental Hygienist and I didn't know that cleaning teeth was that stressful. I LOVED MY JOB and I miss working I know that people feel like it would be so GREAT not having to work but for me it sucks. I was a very independent person and now I have to have others help me. I had a job that made me feel like I was needed to now just feeling like I exist in the world.

I can't even help my Husband with paying bills because I don't have any money and can't do anything to make any money because of this stupid leg. I know that I should be happy that I still have a leg after what I went through but damn some days the pain just makes you feel like "is it even worth all of this". I know there are so many people in this world that are a lot worse than me, but tonight I just needed to have a pitty party of my own.

I feel bad cause I know that my husband would like to have so many things in his life he works extremely hard and I feel like if he didn't have a dead beat wife he could have a house of his own, nice vehicle, and most of all CHILDREN.