Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Well it is has been almost a year since my life took a turn upside down. This upcoming Sunday will be 1 year since my blood clots in my leg took away my job, my chance of being a Mom, and what I would have considered being a "Normal" person.

I had to reach out for some help with my looming depression that I have been trying to hold off on my own but for some reason the whole month of January I could just feel myself getting in a black hole and not being able to find may way out. Some people may call it a bad funk but I had to reach out to the my Dr's for some meds to help me. They haven't taken it away but they have helped take the edge off. Still struggling every day with only having one income in the house, still no word on my disability I just hope and pray that it comes through. I know that if people look at me they can't see or tell except for my limp that there is really anything wrong with me. I know that some people feel that I should just suck it up and try to work. I did that last year and worked for one week and then spent a week in the hospital, and the Dr's said it was just too dangerous. So what am I suppose to do. I worked and paid my money and they just told me that "I should get a sit down job, and one that was less stressful" and denied me my disability. Thing is I HAD A sit down job as a Dental Hygienist and I didn't know that cleaning teeth was that stressful. I LOVED MY JOB and I miss working I know that people feel like it would be so GREAT not having to work but for me it sucks. I was a very independent person and now I have to have others help me. I had a job that made me feel like I was needed to now just feeling like I exist in the world.

I can't even help my Husband with paying bills because I don't have any money and can't do anything to make any money because of this stupid leg. I know that I should be happy that I still have a leg after what I went through but damn some days the pain just makes you feel like "is it even worth all of this". I know there are so many people in this world that are a lot worse than me, but tonight I just needed to have a pitty party of my own.

I feel bad cause I know that my husband would like to have so many things in his life he works extremely hard and I feel like if he didn't have a dead beat wife he could have a house of his own, nice vehicle, and most of all CHILDREN.