Sunday, April 22, 2012

Happy Birthday in Heaven!!!!

Happy Birthday in Heaven Carley. Mommy misses you every single day, but today is a little harder. It is a rainy cold day here at home. The weather just makes me feel even more gloomy. I wish you were here for me to hold and kiss right now, but I know that you are getting plenty in Heaven with all your family members up there. 

Sunday, April 1, 2012

I know I have been away

I know I have been a way a long time. Can't believe I have not posted since January. But nothing much has been going on. I wake up every morning wishing I had a different life. Wishing I had a child. Still stuck in the same time spot as I was 2 years ago. I know they say time heals all wounds, but does it really. I mean I don't feel like I have healed all that much. Last weekend we were moving some stuff from our old house that we finally rented out and I found my pregnancy test from my pregnancies. I got all emotional!!! My husbands friends were just looking at me like I was some crazy person, who the hell saves pregnancy test that are over two years old. But I can't throw them out. They are the only and last ones I will ever take in my life. 

I thought I could do this moving on with my life without writing on this blog any more but I have found out that I can't. I can't go and not express my feelings about how each and every day I wake up and I wish for something that WILL NEVER HAPPEN!! I wish to be a Mommy, to have a child even though it wouldn't be my blood would mean so much to me. I look at my friends kids and all of my friends have children. They have RESPONSIBILITIES that My Husband and I don't have. We can go out every weekend (even though we don't), we can sleep in, we can do a lot of things that our friends can't. But they are all getting to do the ONE thing that I would die for and that is to be a parent. 

I probably wouldn't be a good Mommy any way. I would suck at that just like I do at everything else. My whole life I have felt that way. I have always had very low self esteem but failing at being a Mom has taken over my life. Well that and the fact that I have a huge blood clot in my left leg and I can't work and I feel like such a failure at my life even though all of this is out of my control. I just can't help but feel like a worthless excuse of a Woman. The one thing that I was so scared of before I got married was becoming pregnant out of wedlock (live in the south and it is still a big thing here in the Small Town USA) and come to find out I NEVER should have been so worried about it. It was never gonna happen to me anyway. ALL OF MY FRIENDS  are afraid to tell me that they are pregnant. I mean I know they are like that cause I TALK about it all the time (guess I need to start bottling up my feeling about this to them). My husband doesn't like to and won't talk about it with me. I don't have any friends to go to that can't have children. I am all alone in this here (talking about where I live). And I know this is going to sound so STUPID but I am so sick of people telling me that GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU. I know that he does, I know I am am suppose to have patience in finding out what his plan is but I also feel like I am wasting my life here. I AM 30, can't work, can't have kids!! I know what you are thinking but you are ALIVE, you are HERE tonight I feel like saying oh yeah well Had I known that this is how my life was gonna be I would have not been begging GOD to save me 2 years ago from the clot I would have been saying take me I am ready. I would never take my own life let me just get that out there right now. But there are days and nights that I wish please lord don't let me wake up in the morning. 

That is awful I know told you it was going to be. But I just feel like I don't have anything to live for. I never do nor have I EVER done anything right in this damn life. I guess the experts are right when they say that grieving process can switch from one stage to the other cause I feel like tonight I am skipping through all of them except Acceptance. Am I ever going to just ACCEPT that I am NEVER going to be a MOM. I would suck at it anyway so I should just GET OVER IT!