Sunday, April 1, 2012

I know I have been away

I know I have been a way a long time. Can't believe I have not posted since January. But nothing much has been going on. I wake up every morning wishing I had a different life. Wishing I had a child. Still stuck in the same time spot as I was 2 years ago. I know they say time heals all wounds, but does it really. I mean I don't feel like I have healed all that much. Last weekend we were moving some stuff from our old house that we finally rented out and I found my pregnancy test from my pregnancies. I got all emotional!!! My husbands friends were just looking at me like I was some crazy person, who the hell saves pregnancy test that are over two years old. But I can't throw them out. They are the only and last ones I will ever take in my life. 

I thought I could do this moving on with my life without writing on this blog any more but I have found out that I can't. I can't go and not express my feelings about how each and every day I wake up and I wish for something that WILL NEVER HAPPEN!! I wish to be a Mommy, to have a child even though it wouldn't be my blood would mean so much to me. I look at my friends kids and all of my friends have children. They have RESPONSIBILITIES that My Husband and I don't have. We can go out every weekend (even though we don't), we can sleep in, we can do a lot of things that our friends can't. But they are all getting to do the ONE thing that I would die for and that is to be a parent. 

I probably wouldn't be a good Mommy any way. I would suck at that just like I do at everything else. My whole life I have felt that way. I have always had very low self esteem but failing at being a Mom has taken over my life. Well that and the fact that I have a huge blood clot in my left leg and I can't work and I feel like such a failure at my life even though all of this is out of my control. I just can't help but feel like a worthless excuse of a Woman. The one thing that I was so scared of before I got married was becoming pregnant out of wedlock (live in the south and it is still a big thing here in the Small Town USA) and come to find out I NEVER should have been so worried about it. It was never gonna happen to me anyway. ALL OF MY FRIENDS  are afraid to tell me that they are pregnant. I mean I know they are like that cause I TALK about it all the time (guess I need to start bottling up my feeling about this to them). My husband doesn't like to and won't talk about it with me. I don't have any friends to go to that can't have children. I am all alone in this here (talking about where I live). And I know this is going to sound so STUPID but I am so sick of people telling me that GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU. I know that he does, I know I am am suppose to have patience in finding out what his plan is but I also feel like I am wasting my life here. I AM 30, can't work, can't have kids!! I know what you are thinking but you are ALIVE, you are HERE tonight I feel like saying oh yeah well Had I known that this is how my life was gonna be I would have not been begging GOD to save me 2 years ago from the clot I would have been saying take me I am ready. I would never take my own life let me just get that out there right now. But there are days and nights that I wish please lord don't let me wake up in the morning. 

That is awful I know told you it was going to be. But I just feel like I don't have anything to live for. I never do nor have I EVER done anything right in this damn life. I guess the experts are right when they say that grieving process can switch from one stage to the other cause I feel like tonight I am skipping through all of them except Acceptance. Am I ever going to just ACCEPT that I am NEVER going to be a MOM. I would suck at it anyway so I should just GET OVER IT!


michelle said...

I am here and I am listening. You are not worthless and believe me so many times I felt that way, I've never been a great person with self confidence either. I know right now your mind is saying this it, there are no solutions my life is going to suck and its hard not to listen to that but it NOT TRUE. This may sound stupid but have you thought about pets or fostering animals right now , I only say this because my cat kept me alive through the worst of times ans still does. I think your hubby needs to know how you feel, maybe together you can find some solutions. I know I am not one to give you advice , I dont even know you, I hope I havent offended as I am just trying to help and I do care. Ps I have read you blog and know from your words that you already are a fanatastic Mommy. Sending love and peace. I wish I could be ther with you to give you hugs and share talk and coffee.xo

Holly said...

((hug)) we are always our harshest critic

crystal theresa said...

((hugs)) I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I agree with Holly, that we are hardest on ourselves. You are doing a beautiful job mothering your babies in heaven -- though I know how much you desire to be a mommy on earth.

You have worth; you do, but I can empathize with the feelings of brokenness. Our hearts will never fully mend -- how can they without our children? But I pray you will find peace. I'm glad you have this space to vent.

Ana said...

Hey there, I haven't read your blog before and just found it so don't really know much. I know that things seem dark right now, but something will come along that will be what you need to give you hope and keep you going. You are obviously a strong and sensitive person, and I hope things are getting better for you.

Jan said...

Michelle: Thank You for your comment you did not offend me at all. I want people's feed back on here that is one reason why I try to write my feelings on this blog so people who have also been through this can help me see past my thoughts on myself. And I don't foster animals I just keep them I have 8 dogs.

Holly,Crystal and Ana: Thank you for your kinds words of encouragement.