Friday, May 20, 2011

New house

My husband and I just purchased our first home in April. He has been hard at painting and putting in hardwood floors (since my blood clots all I can do is supervise him).  He is working so hard to make our new home wonderful. It didn't need a lot of work just some paint and we took out the carpet (due to my allgeries). I know that we will have so many wonderful new memories that I just can't wait to experience. One I hope will happen is a child. I can't help but wonder about us moving into our new home with Carley. I know she would have loved her big room, and the big yard to play in.

I never would have ever thought that we would be able to purchase this home due to my disability but God answered our prayers. I know that in time all things God has planned for us will happen. I am still a students to his work and I still struggle with being patience.

18 Months

Well it has been 18 long months since you left us Carley. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. It has been so struggles along on my path of being a Baby Loss Mom. I have so many friends who have welcomed Beautiful healthy babies and I can't help but feel that little twinge of well i guess some would call it jealously. But I know that it is a good kind of jealous. I am so HAPPY that so far none of them have had to feel the hurt and pain that I have felt these 18 months. It has actually been longer than 18 months. It has been since 2008 when I lost my first baby.

Some people think that just because you have lost one before that it is easier. Well I hate to say it but it isn't. It is harder because you know that pain that is soon to come. You know how hard that path that you are going to be on. Many family and friends think that once you hit a certain time line that you should be "Over It". Well you never get over a loss of a child. It doesn't matter if they have been on earth or only in there Mom. It is a hurt and pain that only us BLM's can understand. It is a hurt that all BLM's try to explain to their family and friends but unless that have walked in our shoes they don't understand.

Our hurt and pain is all about the "What if" and "What could". I think now of would Carley be talking (or a big of talker as I am or more like her father), I wonder if she would have blonde hair, brown eye, hazel, if she would like the same foods I do, or love animals like me. My whole life will be about those things. Every time I see my BFF's little girl I think if our children would have been BFF's like we are (in my first pregnancy we were one week apart in due dates). The hurt of knowing there will never be a blood line carried on from my husband and I. There is nothing to go on and show the two of us. I won't have a child that people say "She favors her mother".

I hope and pray that God will bless us with an adopted child. But as we all know that adoption is expensive and I just hope and pray that God will help us find the means to fulfill our long to be parents.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

International Babyloss Mother's Day

I would like to say I am thinking all of my fellow BLM's today. I know that for some it is a very hard, lonely and sad day. It is sad for me, next Sunday all the well deserved Mother's will get a very public recognized Mother's Day while most people don't know even know that today is special to all of us BLM's.

I know that my children are okay but I can't help but wanting and long for them to be here with me in my arms today. I know that all of my fellow BLM's have the same feelings. I will always have that longing to hold my babies, I will always long to tell them that I love them, and want to kiss them, wipe their tears and kiss their boo boo's away. I will always long for them and wish they were here with me.

To all My Angel's in Heaven Mommy Loves you and I am sending XOXOXO to you in Heaven. I love you and miss you every day!!!!