Trying to hold it together

I had my friends over tonight with there 10 day old son and I was doing really good with everything... I cooked supper and was enjoying there company. I tried to stay busy so I wouldn't have to really have time to think you know and then when dinner was over I knew I had to prepare myself....

They placed him in my arms and I said I didn't want to hold him cause I could feel the tears in my eyes coming.... But I held him and I did so good I held back the tears until they left and now it is like a waterfall... My husband has no idea cause he is sitting in the chair watching TV... I know he wouldn't understand and I am so happy I have this blog to vent how I feel...

I am so happy for them he is a precious little boy so sweet, and beautiful (I know I shouldn't say that about a boy but he is).... They are so lucky... Before they came over tonight I went ahead and lit Carley's candle and asked her to give me the strength that I would need to get through the evening....

I am such a bad person here my friends are nice enough to come over and bring there new son and all I could do was think in my head and in my heart this will NEVER be me... I will never know what the feeling is like to hold my child in my arms.... I will never know what it is like to have a child call me Mom... I will never know and I want to do is ball but I won't I will hold it in and be strong... I will not (I hope that I won't)....

I am such a awful person.... I shouldn't feel like this... I am so happy for them don't get me wrong... but all I want to do right now is fall apart....

I am such a awful person......