Friday, August 3, 2012

No Words....

I am finding myself with no words lately to describe how I have been... I am slowly but not willing to accept that I will not be a mother (other then to my four legged children). My husband does not want to adopt and I am trying very hard to let that dream go of being a mother. Never thought I would actually have the courage to write it on here. I still don't want to give up all hope but slowly it is fading and I find myself with a big empty hole in me that I don't know if it will ever close. 

I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. It is like I am a empty spineless shell of the woman I once was. I feel as if I have nothing. I have a husband who loves me, a roof over my head and food... but a big part of me I will never have and I don't know if I will ever be that person again. I was once a strong person... now I feel weak and unattached. Unattached to a life that I worked and wanted so bad... I wanted to be a mother more than anything else and now that the door has closed on that dream I feel as if I don't know what I am here for any more. I have talked to my doctor and she increased my meds to help me with these feelings of anxiousness or nervous feelings. I feel as if I have never and will never do anything right and I was not like this before my world crumbled under me 2 years ago. 

Loosing my babies and then facing the life changing blood clots that took my job, my lively hood, myself worth away from me in a very short 3 month time period has totally rocked me to my core. I feel as if I can't get back to the person I once was. I haven't been writing on here much maybe, if I came back to it and got all these thoughts out of my head and feeling I have that I try to keep buried inside of me I would slowly get back to her... I just don't think that she is still there. 

I go on with my life and try to smile, try to act happy, try to show everyone that I am okay and that I am not breaking into a million pieces... But I can slowly feel I am loosing that fight. And my stomach is slowly telling me that I can't keep this up. I just hate having to involve my friends in family in my feelings cause they are the same every single day. I have told them I know a million times and they never change. It never feels as if they are any better, and I just gotten to a point where I know my friends are like You have to get over this, You have to accept this, You have to move on, You have too, YOU HAVE TOO!!!! 

But I just don't think I can, and I don't want to disappoint people any more than I already have............... :(


michelle said...

Thinking of you xo