Monday, December 14, 2009

World Comes Crashing Down

Nov. 8, 2009 is where my story goes down hill. I had gotten back from a Christmas shopping weekend with my mom and best friend. I had taken it easy that night, laid on the couch and just rested. I got up to go to bed around 10pm that night and when I stood up I felt a gush. I froze and thought to myself I just pee my pants. So I went to the bathroom got cleaned up and fresh undies on and it did it again. I knew then something wasn't right. I started freaking out, I called my mom and she said call the Dr on call. So I did that and of course I got one that I had never really like seeing in the office. He told me to "clam down" that the baby prolly on my bladder and to just get some sleep and call in the morning if it was still doing it. Well I didn't sleep any that night cause I kept having gush after gush.

Morning came I called my boss and told him that I wasn't coming in and that I was going to call the Dr office that morning and get an appt. So 9am came I called and they said come on in. Well I was really freaking out cause when I got up to get dressed is when I had a lot of fluid then come out. I stopped and got my husband and mom and the 3 of us took of to the Dr's office which was about 1hr away.

When we got there I saw a Dr I had never seen before but I really did like her. She did an exam and took a swab of the fluid and then sent me to ultrasound. Baby was doing good heart rate was good, fluid level was about 9cm so everything looked good. They told me that Baby A's sac had ruptured and that was the fluid I was loosing. I freaked out, and was told to just "clam down" and she was putting me on bed rest. She said that Baby B was doing great, and that she wanted me to come back in one week and she then how it was doing.

That was a really LONG WEEK. I was so worried. I continued to leak fluid and everybody told me to of course that damn line that I hate "clam down" that it was prolly just from that sac and that is was just where it had built up in my you know. So I tried to be clam and keep my mind off of it. I prayed and prayed and prayed and cried and prayed. I tried to keep my faith and tell God that it was all in his hands but to please let my baby make it to April 2010 in me.

Nov 16 came and we didn't get good news. I had just about lost all the babies fluid and they didn't know what to do next or what to tell me. So they referred me to a fetal expert and had me have another level 2 ultrasound which was going to be done on Nov. 17, 2009. That is where my WHOLE WORLD came crashing down. I could tell by looking at the ultrasound on the TV that is wasn't good. The baby had NO FLUID and could hardly move. I just kept saying over and over I am sorry Mom. I lost this one too, I have to tell my husband that I lost this baby too. I knew that with my training for my job as a hygienist that without the fluid the baby could not move, continue to grow, and the lungs would never develop.

They put us in another room and the fetal expert came in. She told me exactly what I already knew. That my baby had a 1% chance of making it. And even if it did that it's lungs would never really develop and that the brain wouldn't either. I was in such a state of shock I can't really tell you everything she said. She said I had 3 choices: #1 was to have a D&E done, #2 was to be induced into labor (which could take 2 days to deliver) and #3 is to do nothing and just let nature takes it's course. I told her I couldn't make a decision without my husband. So she gave us a card and told me to call.

The drive home I never made a sound. I couldn't cry, talk or do anything. My husband called when we were just about a mile from home. He knew that it wasn't good news cause I hadn't called him as soon as I got out of the Dr's office like I always did. I just started balling. My mom told him to meet us at home and he said it isn't good is it, and she got enough out no that he could understand.

When I saw him all I could say was "I am so sorry" over and over and over. He said it wasn't my fault and to stop saying that. Mom told him what the Dr said and the 1% and he asked me what I wanted to do and I told him I couldn't make the decision. So I let him and my mom make it for me. They chose D&E. They called and got it set up and I had to go down for another appt with the Dr's on Nov. 19 and the surgery would be Nov 20. When I went on the 19 I was already started to dilate and they told me to go home and be very still and hopefully I would make it through the night till I could have my surgery on the 20th.

I made it through the night. I had my surgery on the 20th. The one good thing was that my babies heart beat had stopped when they did the ultrasound on the 19th. So I felt that the choice that we were making as a family was okay.

Nobody can prepare themselves for how you feel after that type of surgery. And even though I had it done before this time was far worse emotioanly.