Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Count Down

Well the count down has begun to your 2nd year in Heaven baby girl. Mommy thinks about your every single day and she misses you more and more. I came to so close to being a Mom with you and I know that he God and my body had allowed it to come true you would have been the best little girl ever. I am sure by now you would be giving Mommy a time with everything. You would have been 2 this coming up April so I am sure by now you would have been into everything.

This month is going to be a even sadder month for me. For this month I have my hysterectomy scheduled for Nov 17th. It is funny that that was the only date she had open because in 2009 on Nov. 17 that is the same date that I found out I was going to loose you baby girl. Mommy's whole life went down that day. My life crashed and I am still slowly picking up the pieces. I hide my pain very well from everyone close to me cause I know they are tired of seeing me cry for you tried of me talking about you so now I just cry in silence, when I am alone, I cry every time I write to you on here.

I can't really believe that I will never be a Mom. I have been trying to push the feeling aside until after I have the surgery to really let it hit me what had to be done but there are so many people around me having babies, or finding out they are pregnant. And I will admit I am VERY HAPPY for them and pray for there sweet babies to arrive here healthy. But there is a pull at my heart cause I know I will never have sweet wonderful news like that. I won't have someone call me Mommy, someone to console, or rock to sleep, to cuddle when they are sick, or someone to watch grow up. All of mine are having to watch and wait for Mommy to go to heaven if I get too.

The date of my surgery is also the day that my Mother-In-Law passed away 11 years before. So hopefully I will have several Angels looking out for me that day. But you know I have come to a point in my life where I don't want to leave my Husband, Family or Friends, but I would love to be able to see and Hold My Babies Just Once!!!!! I would love to hold them and give them kisses and tell them how much Mommy Loves Them!!!! But all I can do is pray that one day I will get that chance.

There is a lot of stuff I have to do before surgery. I am having to get Iv Iron infusions, going to have to start getting my blood thinner through a shot until surgery. The list goes on and on. But one thing is for sure on Nov 20, 2011 I will more than likely be at the place where Carley and I were at the last time I felt her move in me.

I am trying very hard to hide my feelings and act as if I am happy of the upcoming surgery (which with the problems that I am having I am in a way happy). But Sad at the same time. I just wish that God would take the hurt, the longing, the wanting, and the HOPE away of me being a Mother cause I know that I never will be. My chances are long gone!!

Mommy Loves You Angels with All of Her Heart!!!!!!!!


michelle said...

So Sorry, I wish you a speedy recovery from the surgery. xoxo