Wednesday, December 7, 2011

14 Days

14 days till I turn 30. Never thought this is how my life would be. 30 years old and not a Mom, lost her dream job due to health issues, and feeling less of a woman. It is just funny how when you are young you think of your future you think it will be just like you plan.

Go to college get a great dream job that you love, falling in love with a great man, get married and try to start a family. That is when things started to fall apart for me. Got pregnant the first time not planned but still excited only to miscarry at 9 weeks. So then comes the long hard year of trying to get pregnant and you can't so then you go down the road of fertility drugs and you get pregnant with twins. Only to find out that you have lost one at 8 1/2 weeks but the other baby is doing great. So then you put all your hopes and dreams into that little miracle. You go in every two weeks for check ups and you watch her grow, jump, bounce, and every time you see her you fall more and more in love with her. You make it through your 1st trimester great and you finally feel as if everything is going to be okay, only to have that wonderful miracle ripped from you. You grieve for the baby that you lost, that dream, that hope, and you hope and dream for another miracle to be given, only to have that RIPPED from you as well. Then you find out that everything you dreamed when you were little is not going to be.

I can remember being a little girl and playing Mommy, never would have ever thought that is as close to being a Mom I would get, only to play Mommy!!!


michelle said...

I know its hard imagine this. I am 38 with still no children on this earth now (My son passed away at 5months old) and I am trying very hard not to think about that it may not happen.I hope somehow you get your wish.Well wishes xo

ellen said...

thinking of you........