Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Dealing

Well tonight I start a new Bible study at church. I am really looking forward to going. I was suppose to start one this past Sunday at church for Sunday School and I didn't make it cause Scott needed me to ride with him out of town to pick up a van on the rollback so I am excited about going tonight.

I do have to admit I am steal dealing with the Loss of my Carley and babies, every day. I know that there are people who just can put it out of there minds but I can't. I guess for me they maybe my only chance of feeling babies inside my womb. I have to go to the Dr next week to see if I can try again. I have a feeling I already know the answer to that question. I have looked the WHOLE Internet over for information on a person like me carrying a baby and there isn't any. So no wonder I have the Dr's so stumped.

I know I am sounding like a broken record when I say "I WOULD LOVE TO BE NORMAL" but I would. I would give anything but not my Soul to feel "My Baby" being placed in my arms to love, hold, kiss, feed, and take home to raise. All my friends just about have children and when I go and hangout or we have get together's that is what they talk about is raising a child how hard it is, and they tell there stories of what their child has done and it just goes on and on and on. I am sitting there like a knot on a log because all I can talk about is my dogs or my husband. I have nothing in common with them any more. They all can Work, have Families, busy lives and mine consists of how thick my blood was this week, how bad is your pain, how big is your leg.

I know that God has a plan and he never gives you more than you can handle with his help but I would love a hint as to why I have a urge and a longing to be a MOTHER SO BAD when I know that it is prolly never gonna happen.

 Last week was a bad week for me. I had a pity party for myself on Thursday, don't know why I was so lonely, and depressed. But on Friday I felt better I sent this LONG email to a lady that has really became like another mother to me and she just read it and didn't give me you know that "Talk" that people like to give you the one where they try to pump you up and tell you to "Think Positive". I hate that saying "Think Positive" but I know it helps a lot of people I guess I am just to fact base to be a "Think Positive" person. Maybe if "Positive" things happened to me I could be more that way.

Next Monday it will be 10 months since Carley went to heaven, and I try to just keep it to myself but I do post on my facebook as my status. The other women that I have met all send me a comment and some women who have been through it too do. But the one person that I would love to get something from never does. She doesn't even know I have a blog majority of my family and friends don't know cause I feel like they would really think I am a hateful and jealous person when in reality I am just a hurt, lonely, depressed, women who really wants a child of her own and may never get it. I guess you could say I am throwing a temper tantrum.

My Husband is taking me to the Beach this weekend. We have been together for 10 years (only married 3 years)  and this is the first trip we have ever been on together. He DOESN'T like to go any where away from home, but for some reason he said we could go. Another couple has invited us to go with them. Scott is really close to the other husband going. Scott says it is his brother he never had, and I have become very close to the wife. She is someone I can talk to and tell my thoughts and I feel as if she doesn't judge me like some people do. So I am excited maybe he is taking me cause he knows that next week is gonna be hard with Monday being Carley and then on Tuesday I go and find out my fate for motherhood.

All I can do is Pray. I pray that GOD will give a chance to be a mother, a chance for Scott to be a father, my parents to be grandparents and my sister in-law to be a aunt. Everybody tells me how great of a mother I would be. I would just love the chance to show it.

2 comments:

butterflymom said...

Hi Jan,
I'm here from Creme de la Creme. I really appreciate how heartfelt this post is...I can feel how much you ache for you babies and your desire to be a mother to a living baby. I'm so sorry for your losses...and hardships. ((hugs))

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

Now following from Creme de la Creme. This is a truly beautiful post.

I know how difficult it is to be a mother to an angel - and I pray that we can find peace in the journey.