Monday, November 15, 2010

Hard Week Ahead

Well this is going to be a very hard week for me. I am very quickly approaching Carley's 1 year Angelversary. It is so hard to believe that my Angel has been gone for one whole year. All my hopes and dreams were in that Little Bundle of Joy that wasn't meant to be. You know how you hear the old saying don't put all of your eggs in one basket, well I did that with her. I put all my eggs into that one basket and now my basket is empty and will prolly never be.

I still want a baby so bad, but just one problem my body is so screwed up that it will never happen for me. I know that I have had people offer to carry a baby for me but just finding the money to do such a task is hard on just one income. I have a woman's body that couldn't do the one thing it was meant to do and that was to bear a child from it's womb. People don't know how hard it is for me unless they have walked in my shoes. Have all this hope, these dreams, this pain and you can't do a damn thing about it (sorry for the language but that was the only way I could really put my feeling in).

I mean a woman is suppose to get married to the man of her dreams and start a family. Well I got married to the man of my dreams and went to start a family and my family will never be. There will never be a child of MINE on this earth. There are 3 of them in heaven but none of them will be here with me and I know one day I will see them and they were so special that God said that they deserved to go straight to him, but what about me?? I know people will say that I am just being selfish and that I shouldn't think like that but I can't help but to. That is how I feel.

I am going to do a balloon release on Saturday for Carley at my church. I am also in my best guy friends wedding on Saturday too. It is going to be a very emotional day for me and I don't know how well I am going to handle it. I don't even know how to began to handle it. I have been doing a pretty good job of hiding my feelings from some people or at least I think I am. They prolly can see right through it and I just think that I am hiding them.

I can say one thing I am sure of with my Feeling is that Mommy Loves and Misses Her Angels In Heaven!!!!

2 comments:

klarsen said...

I'm so sorry, Jan. I will be remembering Carley with you and praying for your strength. xoxo Never forget that God has a plan and He can do ANYTHING.

Jan said...

Thank you Katy!