Friday, November 5, 2010

Bad Day Bad Month

Well I hope that I can make it through this month. This weekend is the one year mark of when my life began to fall apart last year. You know some days I think that I am accepting all the deaths of my babies and then somethings reminds me and I start to get tearful again.

I know that people think that "it has been almost a year Jan get it together and get over it" but I am trying but there is always something that reminds me and it is like I am reliving it again. Maybe it is just different for me cause I know that they are my last and only chance of being a MOM. I won't have a chance of a Rainbow Baby, I won't have the chance of a baby prolly at all. My heart hurts so much and sinks every time I think of Carley and my Angels, I know that I should be happy that they are in Heaven with God and all there family but I would love to have been an Earth Mom to them.

I know I was lucky to have gotten pregnant with all my babies and to have them for the little while they were here but I would love to have them in my arms, to kiss them, to have them call me mommy. Carley would prolly be saying Da Da and Ma Ma buy now or babbling and I miss that. I won't know what it feels like to have a child call me that or my wonderful Husband.

My heart hurts for him cause by him being with me he is giving up his chance of being a father as well. I ask him all the time why is he with me? I just feel like he wasting his time being with me, I know how much he wants a child of his own too and his family. I have a hard time being around his family too cause I feel as if they think I wish he hadn't married her, she should just work. I know that a lot of my "thinking" is because I have all the time to think I am home all the time by myself mostly and all I do is THINK.

I try not to worry my friends and my family cause they all have lives, jobs, kids, houses, and problems of there own. I know they don't have time for my nonsense. It is so hard I lost my Babies, then my health went down, then had to quit my dream job, then had my Dream of being a mom taken away, I don't know how much more I can take. I try to put on the smile and fake how okay I am but it is getting old. I don't want people to see me and think here comes the sour puss. But I don't have a lot right now, I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, food in my house, family and friends that love me, a husband who would do anything and everything for me if he had too. I Know that I shouldn't feel this way but I DO.  I want my CHILDREN HERE WITH ME.

And until I see them again I guess my Heart will Always Ache for Them.