Tuesday, July 20, 2010

**8 Months***

Well it has been 8 months since my baby girl left us. 8 months ago tonight I came home without her. I know that she was not ready to be here on earth but it still hurts because she is suppose to be 3 months old. I see all these new moms out with there babies that are about the same age as her and it hurts. Not many people can understand what I am feeling words really can't describe it.

If feels as if a part of me is gone that I can never have back no matter how much I try. I think what really bothers me most of all is that I don't even know if I can have kids any more. I may have missed my only chances with my three angels. Since learning all of the problems that I have now it makes me scared that I am not going to be able to have kids. Then I worry about if my husband is making a mistake by giving up his chance at having a family by staying with me. I have told him that he should go but he loves me. For 10 years we have been together (married on 3) come August. I love that man so much it hurts to think of my life without him but you can't help but think he is wasting his chance.

I PRAY so hard every night to God to just bless me with ONE health baby. I always said I didn't want a only child but I would SO BE HAPPY WITH JUST ONE. Everybody tells me that I am so good with children but I just don't know what else to do. I have to wait until November to go and see my Dr at Duke cause she isn't sure I can have a baby with no Inferior Vena Cava, and I am on coumadin so that causes birth defects and I will have to go on a shots if I can try again.

I am also no longer able to work so I have so much on my mind worrying about all of this just sucks. I am not a person that is meant to have other people do things for me. But I have to be and I am a very Independent person, and now I am a dependent person. But I will say that if they say I can try for a baby but I have to stay on Bed Rest I can do it, cause I am not suppose to be up much now any way with my leg. So maybe this is the time God wants I just HOPE and PRAY that the DR and GOD give me the okay.

So Carley Noel Smith even though you are not here with me on Earth today you and your siblings are FOREVER IN MY HEART, and I know that GOD is taking care of you until we meet one day in Heaven. Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you so much.