sigh.......

You know everyone has a point they reach in there lives to where enough is enough.... Just how to do you know exactly when you have reached that point... I wish that I could just not care what people thought of me and just live my life for me and FOR ME ONLY!!!!!!

But I try so hard to please EVERYONE!!! I just want to be happy in this So called life I have to live... If I am not happy what is the point in LIVING!!!!!

October 15th Remembrance Day

Well it is Remembrance Day... I have Carley's candle lit and will have it lit all day today. I miss my babies so much and I hope that they world will remember all of the babies gone too soon today and there families.

I just had someone to ask me on Facebook if I was ever pregnant they didn't know that I had been and they kept seeing my post about today. I told her my short version of my story and she was very caring about it... What is funny is that me and this person never really got along... It is amazing how people can change and life can bring you close to some and pull you apart from others....

I know that in grief there are stages and I feel as if I flip flop back and forth through them. I just have to wonder if I will ever fully get over my babies deaths or will I just grow use to the empty feeling I have in my heart of wanting them with me.... I can't explain to people what it feels like to know that you will never have a biological child walking this Earth... When I am dead and gone that is it there will be nothing of me to live on. There will never be another generation... It will just be finale and gone... 

People who have children and who can have children often take for granted the wonderful Miracle they have been given... They get so wrapped up in life itself that they forget to actually take time with their children and love them, hug them, kiss them and just cherish the beautiful miracle God gave them.... It is usually people like myself that help remind them of the gift they have and help them to take the time to cherish it and live their life to the fullest with there children.

I hope that people today who have children will remember us whose children are not with me. I hope that people will ask about our children and know that we love to talk about them even if it is hard for us to talk about. We don't want the world to ever forget our children existed and for a Mother of 3 Angels that is one of my fears... 

Carley Mommy loves you and misses you every single day and I pray that you are in God's arms and that Jesus and Him are given you kisses from me... Until that wonderful day when we will meet for the first time... 

Trip

Well I went to Boston last week for a friends wedding and I absolutely LOVE the city!!!! I would go back and visit any time hell if I could restart my life I would prolly wish I could live there... It was so wonderful to walk to everything and hear the horns, and ride the train!!! So many different places to eat, pubs, bars, stores, shops, I just loved it...

I have often thought of what my life would be like if I could restart it and choose a different path... I wonder if I would have went to a big city and would my life have still ended this way or would I have stayed here and everything happen the same way... There are so many things to think about and wonder about in this life... I love new things, I love to experience new things, new places, meeting new people... 

Life has a funny way about it sometimes... The things we dream about when we are kids and think we want sometimes end up being just that dreams cause in life you never really know what you are going to get...

Dreaming

Every night here lately I have a dream.... In my dream I am a mother to a beautiful baby girl that I love more than anything in the world... But the dream doesn't have a happy ever  after...

In my dream my life is great I am the happiest I have ever been with the love of my life... We adopt a little girl and everything is finally perfect... I am raising the family I always wanted and then the hole bottom falls apart... I never see my little girl grow up, I don't get to be with the love of my life... I don't even get to be here at all... In my dream something happens to me... I can't quiet seem to figure out exactly but in my dream I am home with her and then the next flash I am looking at myself in the hospital bed on a vent and dying I guess.... 

I know that it is very morbid but I know that it is negative to dream that but why do I dream it just about every night and I wake up at the exact same part every night with him sitting there crying and talking to me begging me to wake up and stay with him and her... I try so hard to wake up I try so hard to tell myself that I can't leave them I finally have "My Dream" and now I am just leaving it all be hide. Then I see a little girl come toward me and call me Mommy and she looks at me and I just start to cry cause I know it is "Her" it is Carley... She looks at me and says Mommy it is time, It is time for you to be with us, it is time for you to come and take care of us now... I take her hand and go with her and there are my 3 Angels standing there waiting for me... 

I know one day I am going to see them and I know that people say you can't pay attention to dreams but to have the same dream over and over it feels like it is trying to tell me something but I have no clue what it is...  I know that I want to see my babies so bad sometimes that it doesn't matter how I get to see them... I have always said that if it is  my time to go I am ready... I am not scared of death, I know that it will be hard for the loved ones I will leave but I know that I am going to be with my children... I guess when i suffered my blood clots and there for a few days everybody was scared to death that something terrible may happen to me... But I wasn't scared at all (I know that I was under  heavy drugs and all) but I just felt like well if this is it this is it... I still feel that way... I have my family yes but I have no children here to keep me or worry about... I know that for my friends and family it would be terrible and hard... I know all of my friends are scared about death cause of there children but I don't have that... 

I know that everyone at some point in life will have to say goodbye but I hope my dream is wrong and that my time IS NOT UP ANY TIME SOON....