I am Back

My Dear Carley,

I am sorry that I have not written on here in over a year. I have felt as if I still couldn't write on here due to the divorce. Your father and I are divorced and I feel as if I have been freed. I am no longer scared to talk about you, I am no longer scared to speak my mind, I no longer feel as if "My Life" is controlled by someone else. I am FREE. I am free to do and go as I please, I am free to speak my mind about whatever it is I want to say, I am free to talk to you and to remember you in any way I feel. I no longer have to find my feelings. I hate that the relationship ended but in a way I am happy it did. I am no able to go and do things in my life that I thought I would never do, experience things that I only dreamed of. I am so happy with my life now.

Don't get me wrong there are still things that I fight with every single day. I still dislike a lot that I am unable to work, my leg has gotten increasingly worse in the last year. Doctors are not sure what is going on other than my clots are still present and I still am suppose to lay flat most of my day. The swelling gets bad now, and the pain well I can't even put into words what that has been like. I lie in bed most nights just praying that pain will stop and God grants me my wish and allows me to sleep. Not as much as I am sure I should get, but I get enough. I go back to the Dr in September my schedule got off when I was hospitalized for a week in February. That was a hell of a week, it is all a blur really. But one thing that was different from any other time I was in the hospital was your Grandmother didn't have to stay and take care of me, someone who is very special to me did. It was my boyfriend Michael. He took off work stayed with me, helped me, did everything for me basically. He held my hand when I was in pain, he wiped my tears, and told me everything was going to be okay. He stepped in when I needed him most and not once has he ever made me feel bad about how I am.

He is special to me. He makes me feel alive, he makes me feel whole even though I feel I am not. He doesn't judge me or hold my health and other things against me. He protects me, he loves me, and he lets me talk about you whenever I want. He remembers your Angelversary, he remembers your due date. He doesn't make me feel bad about you, he supports me in every way shape and form. Don't get me wrong we are not wealthy with money, but we are wealthy in appreciation of each other. He appreciates what I do for him even the small things, and I do the same of him. He takes care of ME, something I have never really had before. I don't mean in money, or gifts, or anything material. He supports me emotionally something I have never experienced. 

It was scary at first, I didn't know how to be. I was scared to speak my mind, to not do everything the way he wanted it when he wanted it. He picked up on that and told me that I was suppose to be me. I had thoughts that I should speak, I had things I wanted to do and should go and do them, if I want something and I have the money buy it, I didn't need to ask for permission. He makes me feel like I am an adult and I can make my own decisions. And that is so true!!!

I have been on a cruise, I have gotten a tattoo (which it is for my angels with your name), I have been on a family vacation with my love attending (which was a first). I have had so many first with him, I have someone who will go with me to family functions, friend function, church, anything and everything. I have never attended a Dr's appt alone, he has attended them all. He loves me for me including all of the emotional baggage that comes with me. I feel honored, blessed, and amazed at how someone could love me like this. 

I want to make you proud of me Carley. I want to show you that I am the strong Mom who put everything she had into bringing you into this world, but God had far better plans for you. God gave me a gift that has taken me awhile to figure out. He gave me the gift of strength. He gave me you and your siblings, he gave me my clot, he gave me a bad marriage all to show me that I am strong and I am a fighter and I will not go down easy. It is a daily struggle not to just waste away and feel sorry for myself, and I take it day by day and night by night. I Thank God for you baby girl and I hope that I am making you proud as you watch from above. I will be back, I will not let people stop me from this blog. IF they read it then they read it. For I speak to you My Angels in Heaven. 

Mommy Loves you very much and misses you all every single minute of the day and night.