9 Months

Well baby girl you have been gone now for 9 LONG months. Sorry this is being posted late but I have been having a hard time getting to post this one. It has been difficult my life right now. Finding out friends and family that are so excited to be bringing home new babies or finding out they are pregnant. I have found a "green envy monster" in me this month and I don't like it. I don't like it that I feel like this. I am not this type of person. I am a very loving and happy person until you left me Carley.

I know that people who have never lost a child don't understand and I am taking it even harder because with the new medical conditions that I have been diagnosed with in the past year may affect my trying to have another baby myself. I do have a great and loving family member who has offered to be a surrogate but just got to find the money for that.

I have a candle for you Carley that I burn in you memory. I am going to have to get a new one, because I have been burning it a lot her lately when I want to feel as if you are near me I burn the candle. Also this year for your memory since I didn't do a Christmas tree I am going to try and find a ornament for you and put your name on it and your date.

It is so hard to believe that you have been gone for 9 months. If you had made it you would be 4 months old and fixing to go on your first beach trip with your family. My necklace broke that I had made with all "My Angel's" birthstones in it. The company did send me a new one but I am going to have to try and find something in a little better quality if I can afford it.

My Carley oh I wonder and think about you so much and I know people think that I should just forget and move on (people who don't understand). But it is hard. I love you My Babies so much and I can't wait to see and meet you in heaven when it is time for me to meet you. I know that you are with Jesus and God and you are in such a better place. But the tears still fall for you until we meet again. I love you all!!!!!!!!

**8 Months***

Well it has been 8 months since my baby girl left us. 8 months ago tonight I came home without her. I know that she was not ready to be here on earth but it still hurts because she is suppose to be 3 months old. I see all these new moms out with there babies that are about the same age as her and it hurts. Not many people can understand what I am feeling words really can't describe it.

If feels as if a part of me is gone that I can never have back no matter how much I try. I think what really bothers me most of all is that I don't even know if I can have kids any more. I may have missed my only chances with my three angels. Since learning all of the problems that I have now it makes me scared that I am not going to be able to have kids. Then I worry about if my husband is making a mistake by giving up his chance at having a family by staying with me. I have told him that he should go but he loves me. For 10 years we have been together (married on 3) come August. I love that man so much it hurts to think of my life without him but you can't help but think he is wasting his chance.

I PRAY so hard every night to God to just bless me with ONE health baby. I always said I didn't want a only child but I would SO BE HAPPY WITH JUST ONE. Everybody tells me that I am so good with children but I just don't know what else to do. I have to wait until November to go and see my Dr at Duke cause she isn't sure I can have a baby with no Inferior Vena Cava, and I am on coumadin so that causes birth defects and I will have to go on a shots if I can try again.

I am also no longer able to work so I have so much on my mind worrying about all of this just sucks. I am not a person that is meant to have other people do things for me. But I have to be and I am a very Independent person, and now I am a dependent person. But I will say that if they say I can try for a baby but I have to stay on Bed Rest I can do it, cause I am not suppose to be up much now any way with my leg. So maybe this is the time God wants I just HOPE and PRAY that the DR and GOD give me the okay.

So Carley Noel Smith even though you are not here with me on Earth today you and your siblings are FOREVER IN MY HEART, and I know that GOD is taking care of you until we meet one day in Heaven. Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you so much.

7 Month

Well Sunday Father's Day will be 7 months since Carley went to heaven. I am feeling better about losing my baby girl. She has opened me up to my faith even more now and I believe that was her purpose to begin with. If you read at the start of my blog I have a poem there call "almost a mother" that poem has helped me so much because I am a mother. I wear my necklace every day and I kiss it every night when I go to bed. No I have never seen or held my baby girl but I carried her and loved her just the same if not more when she here in me.

I know the Lord has a plan for me I just don't know what exactly it is. But I know in his time he will let me know "His Will" for me. I just have to wait and continue to trust in him and go as he leads me to go. I am really following him now. My leg is still bad and I had to quit my job that I love and MISS so much. Now we are a household of one income and I pray that we will make it. I know with him we will.

But back to the poem I have sent that to a couple of my friends who I am sorry to say have gone through something just like me. Losing there wonderful baby. I hope and pray that their hearts are healing and they remember that one day we will see our babies again and that they are being taken care of by the best Father in the world. Our Lord.