Angels in Heaven

Well I made it through the first tough Holiday, Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday but last year it was really difficult. It was nice to be myself at the holiday. I have had some closure after doing the Balloon release. It helped me with losing her and coming to terms about not being able to have children.

Something else that could have helped was having my husband actually bring up the discussion of surrogate or adoption. It was nice for me not to have to bring it up for a change. He wanted to know all what the Dr had told me back in Oct and we may actually be going ahead with one of them the first of the year. So I am not going to get my hope up either way. I know it is going to cost money that right now we just don't have to do either option.

I have thought if you could have benefit's for surrogacy or adoption??? I don't think that you can but I thought it would be worth a thought. Maybe through God's Good Grace we will be able to do something to get closure to having a baby. It doesn't matter to me which way we get to be parents I just want to be a Mommy to a Earth child so bad.

Please Pray that God will Help us in Making this very Important Decision.

Well the day is here Carley's 1 year Angelversary. I can't believe that my baby girl has been gone for one whole year. Last year at this time I was in so much pain physically and mentally and now my physical pain has ceased but my mental pain is still present and still strong as ever.

I wonder if you ever fully get over the lost of a child. Some people would say that I can't really say that I lost a child when she never took a breath but I beg to differ. I have lost 3 Babies and they were real to me because I knew they were there. Some people would say that "you should be over it", "move on with your life", "thought it would be easier for you since you had gone through it before". These are just a few of the comments that I have gotten about my losses. People unless they have walked in your shoes DO NOT KNOW how much it hurts to want something so bad, to love something so much that you have only seen on a screen only to have it RIPPED from you with no reason known to you.

I know that God does everything for a reason is what people say but I want to know why he put the love in my Heart for a child to only be told it will never happen for you. It is so hard to go through life and know that you will never have a child of your own here on Earth. Yes I have 3 in Heaven waiting on me when my time comes to leave this world but what am I to do the with Love that I have in my heart for a child here on Earth. Yes I have family and friends that have children that I am around all the time, but you can only love them so much before it may get a little weird to the parents that you have became obsessed with THEIR CHILD.

I am in a Wedding today of one of my BEST guy friends ever. This Man is My Brother I never had. He would do anything for me and he has found the Most Wonderful Woman and Mother to marry. I am so Honored to be in there Wedding, but in my heart it is also a sad day. For even thought I will smile and be happy for them (because I am SO VERY HAPPY) I will also be hurting. God knew that I would only want to be in bed all day today So I know that he meant for me to be in this wedding. The Bride is such a great woman that she is even going to take part in the balloon release that I have planned for today.

Now I know that SHE is the Bride and that it is her day but I couldn't go through today and not Remember the Memory of my Daughter. So I have around 20 of my close Family and Friends attending a Balloon Release today in Memory of Carley Noel and her sibling's. I have gotten 3 Balloons for me to release for them with Butterflies on them and then a balloon for each person. My Pastor is going to say a Prayer, read a poem, for her. But I am just so happy that this Bride is going to take part in this. How many Brides do you know would let the "Lime Light" shine on another person on Her Wedding Day. I just Thank God that she is allowing me to do this.

It is funny that I am going to release 3 balloons. I went to the store to purchase all the balloons and I couldn't make up my mind how many I wanted for myself. I first said 1, then changed it to 2, and then I was like no do 3. And after I left the store it dawned on me that I had gotten 3 balloons and never really thought about this but I had gotten 3 balloons just out of the blue and realized that I had gotten 1 balloon for each of my babies. I didn't even think about that when I was in the store. I got my mother 2 balloons that say in the shape of a Heart "You are so Special", and my Best Friend and her Daughter will have a balloon with Hearts on it that says Happy Birthday. If my first baby had made it then my best friends daughter and my child would have been the same age. So I got her a balloon to herself to release.

I know that some people may think that it is stupid for me to do the Balloon Release but I will never have a chance to do a birthday party for Carley and I want to remember her, and everybody to remember that she was real, even though she was in my womb she was here and alive and now she is gone and I have no place to morn her so this is my way to cope with today. Below I have posted the pictures that a friend took for me. The wide shots you can't see them all the way but if you click on the photo it will make them larger and in a slide show.

I want to say Carley and My Babies in Heaven Mommy and Daddy Love you and Miss You Every Day, And Until We Meet Again Sweet Angels In Heaven.

Love You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!