Sunday, April 22, 2012
Happy Birthday in Heaven!!!!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
I know I have been away
I know I have been a way a long time. Can't believe I have not posted since January. But nothing much has been going on. I wake up every morning wishing I had a different life. Wishing I had a child. Still stuck in the same time spot as I was 2 years ago. I know they say time heals all wounds, but does it really. I mean I don't feel like I have healed all that much. Last weekend we were moving some stuff from our old house that we finally rented out and I found my pregnancy test from my pregnancies. I got all emotional!!! My husbands friends were just looking at me like I was some crazy person, who the hell saves pregnancy test that are over two years old. But I can't throw them out. They are the only and last ones I will ever take in my life.
I thought I could do this moving on with my life without writing on this blog any more but I have found out that I can't. I can't go and not express my feelings about how each and every day I wake up and I wish for something that WILL NEVER HAPPEN!! I wish to be a Mommy, to have a child even though it wouldn't be my blood would mean so much to me. I look at my friends kids and all of my friends have children. They have RESPONSIBILITIES that My Husband and I don't have. We can go out every weekend (even though we don't), we can sleep in, we can do a lot of things that our friends can't. But they are all getting to do the ONE thing that I would die for and that is to be a parent.
I probably wouldn't be a good Mommy any way. I would suck at that just like I do at everything else. My whole life I have felt that way. I have always had very low self esteem but failing at being a Mom has taken over my life. Well that and the fact that I have a huge blood clot in my left leg and I can't work and I feel like such a failure at my life even though all of this is out of my control. I just can't help but feel like a worthless excuse of a Woman. The one thing that I was so scared of before I got married was becoming pregnant out of wedlock (live in the south and it is still a big thing here in the Small Town USA) and come to find out I NEVER should have been so worried about it. It was never gonna happen to me anyway. ALL OF MY FRIENDS are afraid to tell me that they are pregnant. I mean I know they are like that cause I TALK about it all the time (guess I need to start bottling up my feeling about this to them). My husband doesn't like to and won't talk about it with me. I don't have any friends to go to that can't have children. I am all alone in this here (talking about where I live). And I know this is going to sound so STUPID but I am so sick of people telling me that GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU. I know that he does, I know I am am suppose to have patience in finding out what his plan is but I also feel like I am wasting my life here. I AM 30, can't work, can't have kids!! I know what you are thinking but you are ALIVE, you are HERE tonight I feel like saying oh yeah well Had I known that this is how my life was gonna be I would have not been begging GOD to save me 2 years ago from the clot I would have been saying take me I am ready. I would never take my own life let me just get that out there right now. But there are days and nights that I wish please lord don't let me wake up in the morning.
That is awful I know told you it was going to be. But I just feel like I don't have anything to live for. I never do nor have I EVER done anything right in this damn life. I guess the experts are right when they say that grieving process can switch from one stage to the other cause I feel like tonight I am skipping through all of them except Acceptance. Am I ever going to just ACCEPT that I am NEVER going to be a MOM. I would suck at it anyway so I should just GET OVER IT!
I thought I could do this moving on with my life without writing on this blog any more but I have found out that I can't. I can't go and not express my feelings about how each and every day I wake up and I wish for something that WILL NEVER HAPPEN!! I wish to be a Mommy, to have a child even though it wouldn't be my blood would mean so much to me. I look at my friends kids and all of my friends have children. They have RESPONSIBILITIES that My Husband and I don't have. We can go out every weekend (even though we don't), we can sleep in, we can do a lot of things that our friends can't. But they are all getting to do the ONE thing that I would die for and that is to be a parent.
I probably wouldn't be a good Mommy any way. I would suck at that just like I do at everything else. My whole life I have felt that way. I have always had very low self esteem but failing at being a Mom has taken over my life. Well that and the fact that I have a huge blood clot in my left leg and I can't work and I feel like such a failure at my life even though all of this is out of my control. I just can't help but feel like a worthless excuse of a Woman. The one thing that I was so scared of before I got married was becoming pregnant out of wedlock (live in the south and it is still a big thing here in the Small Town USA) and come to find out I NEVER should have been so worried about it. It was never gonna happen to me anyway. ALL OF MY FRIENDS are afraid to tell me that they are pregnant. I mean I know they are like that cause I TALK about it all the time (guess I need to start bottling up my feeling about this to them). My husband doesn't like to and won't talk about it with me. I don't have any friends to go to that can't have children. I am all alone in this here (talking about where I live). And I know this is going to sound so STUPID but I am so sick of people telling me that GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU. I know that he does, I know I am am suppose to have patience in finding out what his plan is but I also feel like I am wasting my life here. I AM 30, can't work, can't have kids!! I know what you are thinking but you are ALIVE, you are HERE tonight I feel like saying oh yeah well Had I known that this is how my life was gonna be I would have not been begging GOD to save me 2 years ago from the clot I would have been saying take me I am ready. I would never take my own life let me just get that out there right now. But there are days and nights that I wish please lord don't let me wake up in the morning.
That is awful I know told you it was going to be. But I just feel like I don't have anything to live for. I never do nor have I EVER done anything right in this damn life. I guess the experts are right when they say that grieving process can switch from one stage to the other cause I feel like tonight I am skipping through all of them except Acceptance. Am I ever going to just ACCEPT that I am NEVER going to be a MOM. I would suck at it anyway so I should just GET OVER IT!
Monday, January 23, 2012
New Year Same Dreams!!
Well it is a new year but I still have the same dream to be a Mom.... Hubby and I are still not in agreement for adoption but I hope he will come around. I have healed fully from my hysterectomy and boy am I glad that is over. I have yet to see if my iron has returned to normal but will find out next month. I hope so cause I really don't want to go back to getting the IV treatments.
Dr put me on metaphormin (Sorry for spelling) to hopefully stop new cyst from forming. They are very painful.
Still miss my babies every day and still hate to answer the question when people ask me do you have children. I always say the same thing yes 3 but they are in heaven.
So far 30 isn't that bad I didn't have a melt down like I thought I would. I handled it very well. Like a grown up....
Dr put me on metaphormin (Sorry for spelling) to hopefully stop new cyst from forming. They are very painful.
Still miss my babies every day and still hate to answer the question when people ask me do you have children. I always say the same thing yes 3 but they are in heaven.
So far 30 isn't that bad I didn't have a melt down like I thought I would. I handled it very well. Like a grown up....
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