This morning as I was watching my husband leave for work I was thinking to myself how much things have changed in 1 year.
One year ago I knew I was pregnant and that I had lost one of the twins, I knew that Carley was okay and had a heart beat. I had a job, and would have been at work already. We were so happy, just knowing that I was finally pregnant and my baby had a heart beat and this one was going to be the one. That is what I thought, nobody would have ever thought that one year later I still wouldn't have a baby here on earth, no job, health the way it is.
I always had a gut feeling that something was going to happen that I was not going to be able to have a child. I always had a feeling in my "Gut" so to speak. It is so funny how you "THINK" your life is going to turn out to be and it takes a BIG LEFT TURN and ends up totally different.
I had a very good friend tell me "You wanna make God laugh tell him your plan for your life". I just got to wait for "His Plan" to come into light.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Doctor Visit
Well I didn't really get the news I wanted to hear. I sort of knew that I was not going to be able to carry a baby with all of my health problems, but the news I got was still shocking.
I was told that I may not even be able to harvest my eggs due to the high risk of blood clots/and ruptured ovaries in using the hormone shots. So that was the shocker. I had set all of my eggs into that basket of me having a child was me harvesting my eggs and now they just killed it. I sobbed!!!! What am I going to do now, there goes my chance of being a mother. Something that I want SOOO BAD GONE!! The Dr that told me this was a "Fellow" of my Dr. I guess she is right at the end of going on her own I don't know but she was nice about it and very sympathetic.
Next my Dr walks in and she already knows that I have been hit with those words that no woman wants to hear, but she comes in with I am going to talk to another Dr and to your blood specialist and we are going to see if we can work something out. I am going to have to have some very close monitoring done and I still may not be able to harvest my eggs but I have one other plan and it is Plan C.
Now Plan C is going to all be based on cost and my husband. Plan C consist me using a donor egg. So all in all I will just be out of the equation but My Husband will not be. And that means a lot to ME and to HIM. HE wants a biological child and I am fine with using the donor egg or adoption which ever is fine with me. I just want to be a mother!
I also have the belief that you are not considered a mother just because you have given birth to a child. Because I know a lot of women who have given birth to a child and they could care less about the child. A Mother to me is : someone who loves unconditionally, nurtures a child, wipes the tears, caress them when they are sick and no matter how she has to move the world will do it in a heart beat for her child. You can be a mother and never give birth. I know a lot of women who have adopted and they are the BEST MOTHERS.
So all in all I am going to still try and stay positive. Maybe I can win the lottery and the money won't even be a deciding factor but I know it will be. I know that God has a plan for me, he does I just have to be patience and wait to see what he has in store for me, which isn't one of my better traits. I am very impatience person. But he is teaching me how to be patience.
I was told that I may not even be able to harvest my eggs due to the high risk of blood clots/and ruptured ovaries in using the hormone shots. So that was the shocker. I had set all of my eggs into that basket of me having a child was me harvesting my eggs and now they just killed it. I sobbed!!!! What am I going to do now, there goes my chance of being a mother. Something that I want SOOO BAD GONE!! The Dr that told me this was a "Fellow" of my Dr. I guess she is right at the end of going on her own I don't know but she was nice about it and very sympathetic.
Next my Dr walks in and she already knows that I have been hit with those words that no woman wants to hear, but she comes in with I am going to talk to another Dr and to your blood specialist and we are going to see if we can work something out. I am going to have to have some very close monitoring done and I still may not be able to harvest my eggs but I have one other plan and it is Plan C.
Now Plan C is going to all be based on cost and my husband. Plan C consist me using a donor egg. So all in all I will just be out of the equation but My Husband will not be. And that means a lot to ME and to HIM. HE wants a biological child and I am fine with using the donor egg or adoption which ever is fine with me. I just want to be a mother!
I also have the belief that you are not considered a mother just because you have given birth to a child. Because I know a lot of women who have given birth to a child and they could care less about the child. A Mother to me is : someone who loves unconditionally, nurtures a child, wipes the tears, caress them when they are sick and no matter how she has to move the world will do it in a heart beat for her child. You can be a mother and never give birth. I know a lot of women who have adopted and they are the BEST MOTHERS.
So all in all I am going to still try and stay positive. Maybe I can win the lottery and the money won't even be a deciding factor but I know it will be. I know that God has a plan for me, he does I just have to be patience and wait to see what he has in store for me, which isn't one of my better traits. I am very impatience person. But he is teaching me how to be patience.
Monday, September 20, 2010
10 Months
Well baby girl has been gone for 10 months today. Over the weekend we went to the beach just for a few days, it was great. Our first real vacation to VA Beach and it was really nice. We went another couple that is really good friends of ours and had a great time.
We went to a shop called the "Christmas Mouse" and of course they sell mainly christmas ornaments and I found one that was exactly what I wanted to remember Carley by this Christmas (I didn't put up a tree last year). It is a hand painted with an Angel and it says "You may miss me but I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year" and then Carley Noel and her date on the back. It is so very true. I miss her so much but she is the lucky one because she is spending her entire life with Jesus.
Tomorrow will be like judgement day. Tomorrow I find out if I can even try and have another child on my own or if I will have to use a surrogate. We will just have to see if what God has in store for me. I just feel like he put this eurge in me to be a mother and gave me the heart for it I hope that he will allow me to be a mother to a baby her on Earth with us, I love my Angel babies but I would love to have one to hold, kiss, and raise.
So please say prayers.
We went to a shop called the "Christmas Mouse" and of course they sell mainly christmas ornaments and I found one that was exactly what I wanted to remember Carley by this Christmas (I didn't put up a tree last year). It is a hand painted with an Angel and it says "You may miss me but I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year" and then Carley Noel and her date on the back. It is so very true. I miss her so much but she is the lucky one because she is spending her entire life with Jesus.
Tomorrow will be like judgement day. Tomorrow I find out if I can even try and have another child on my own or if I will have to use a surrogate. We will just have to see if what God has in store for me. I just feel like he put this eurge in me to be a mother and gave me the heart for it I hope that he will allow me to be a mother to a baby her on Earth with us, I love my Angel babies but I would love to have one to hold, kiss, and raise.
So please say prayers.
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