Today has been very hard for me and I am not really sure why.... I have been having a rough month with missing Carley and "My Dream"... I was in a very low mood today and tonight and thought I would look up some poems that may help me and I found this poem and wanted to share it with you.
Dear God,
Please hold my unborn child in your ever-loving embrace.
Please let my child know that my love can't be erased.
Please bless me on this earth and help to ease the pain.
Please plant a seed within my baby's heart of sunshine, not of rain.
Please help the days get easier and the nights go quickly by.
Please hold my hand when I can't do anything- but cry.
Please increase my faith so I believe my baby is with You.
Please forgive me when my sadness makes me come completely unglued.
Please let my baby know that there'll always be a place-
within my heart, just for my baby, full of Divine Grace.
And, when You call me Home to Your Kingdom up above-
Please let me hold the baby-
I never held...
but, always loved.
Author Unknown
I feel every word of this poem or prayer... I feel this way every single day of my life... And I know people are going to be upset if anybody reads this but I wish the day would hurry up and come where I could be with my babies... I can't help but wonder if they need me to hold them, to kiss them, to love them, do they need the love that only there Mother can give them... Hear lately I have cried myself to sleep if I sleep at all, or I have cried all day long for my babies...
My husband won't adopt and I want a child in my life... I need a child in my life... I just wish that is God is dead set on me not having a child in my life that he would just take the hurt, the longing, the desire, and the need for a child out of my heart for good....
I love you Carley Noel and Miss you every single day!!!
Friday, August 31, 2012
New
While I was on a short vacation last week I went into a shop that had Snow babies figurines and I found one that I just had to have... I have I guess what you will call a little shrine of different things that I consider for Carley and this is the newest one.
It is called Angel of My Heart....
Depressed
I am in a terrible funk and feel the black hole that I have sunk into is going to swallow me whole... The only real way to express my feelings here lately have not been to healthy for me but feel as if they are the only way...
Getting ready for a family vacation and I am excited because I get to spend the whole week spoiling my cousins kids (he is 9 months younger than me and has 3 of the most beautiful kids)... I know this week is going to make me wish I was a mother even more cause his kids are so lovable and love to cuddle which I will do with them every second they will let me...
I am hoping that the time I spend with his wife who is a really good listener and gives good advice will help me with some life decision that I am looking at... I know that life is not fair and that life is what you make of it but how do you know if you are doing the right things in life???
How do you know what to do in life??? How do you know when to give up on a dream??? How do you know if you should listen to your heart or your head when they are telling you two different things??? Just how do I live my life with no child in it??? As I write this I feel numb, I feel as if no part of my heart knows what I should do... I want a child so badly but husband refuses to adopt and it is not up for discussion... I am just so lost in what I want and what I know I am going to get in this life...
I mean lets face it I can't work cause of my stupid body and leg just won't let me... I mean I could work but I would face loosing my leg and I know it is just a leg but still it is apart of me and has been for 30years... I know that the Dr's say it is in my best health interest in not working but people just don't understand you would think it is great to be told you can't work and to just be at home all the time but when you feel like your home is a prison in which you can't run from what then???
I am not a homebody, I am a people person and have been my whole life, and now I am at home all day with just myself and I will tell you right now that is not good for me cause I have never liked to be at home all the time... I have never liked to be by myself a lot I was a only child and I was alone most of that time.. yea I had my parents but do parents really understand there children... UMM NO they don't
I know that I am limited in my life but should I limit my happiness on that too??? I just feel you get one life and you should be happy I know that life isn't always happy but hell I haven't been happy in 2 years since Carley was taken from me and I know that a child can not make you happy but I feel as if I would have a purpose to my life....
And right now I feel I have no purpose, I feel as if I am just here taking up space and air and that is a very lonely and sad way to live a life... Tell you from experience.....
Getting ready for a family vacation and I am excited because I get to spend the whole week spoiling my cousins kids (he is 9 months younger than me and has 3 of the most beautiful kids)... I know this week is going to make me wish I was a mother even more cause his kids are so lovable and love to cuddle which I will do with them every second they will let me...
I am hoping that the time I spend with his wife who is a really good listener and gives good advice will help me with some life decision that I am looking at... I know that life is not fair and that life is what you make of it but how do you know if you are doing the right things in life???
How do you know what to do in life??? How do you know when to give up on a dream??? How do you know if you should listen to your heart or your head when they are telling you two different things??? Just how do I live my life with no child in it??? As I write this I feel numb, I feel as if no part of my heart knows what I should do... I want a child so badly but husband refuses to adopt and it is not up for discussion... I am just so lost in what I want and what I know I am going to get in this life...
I mean lets face it I can't work cause of my stupid body and leg just won't let me... I mean I could work but I would face loosing my leg and I know it is just a leg but still it is apart of me and has been for 30years... I know that the Dr's say it is in my best health interest in not working but people just don't understand you would think it is great to be told you can't work and to just be at home all the time but when you feel like your home is a prison in which you can't run from what then???
I am not a homebody, I am a people person and have been my whole life, and now I am at home all day with just myself and I will tell you right now that is not good for me cause I have never liked to be at home all the time... I have never liked to be by myself a lot I was a only child and I was alone most of that time.. yea I had my parents but do parents really understand there children... UMM NO they don't
I know that I am limited in my life but should I limit my happiness on that too??? I just feel you get one life and you should be happy I know that life isn't always happy but hell I haven't been happy in 2 years since Carley was taken from me and I know that a child can not make you happy but I feel as if I would have a purpose to my life....
And right now I feel I have no purpose, I feel as if I am just here taking up space and air and that is a very lonely and sad way to live a life... Tell you from experience.....
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