Depressed

I am in a terrible funk and feel the black hole that I have sunk into is going to swallow me whole... The only real way to express my feelings here lately have not been to healthy for me but feel as if they are the only way...

Getting ready for a family vacation and I am excited because I get to spend the whole week spoiling my cousins kids (he is 9 months younger than me and has 3 of the most beautiful kids)... I know this week is going to make me wish I was a mother even more cause his kids are so lovable and love to cuddle which I will do with them every second they will let me...

I am hoping that the time I spend with his wife who is a really good listener and gives good advice will help me with some life decision that I am looking at... I know that life is not fair and that life is what you make of it but how do you know if you are doing the right things in life???

How do you know what to do in life??? How do you know when to give up on a dream??? How do you know if you should listen to your heart or your head when they are telling you two different things??? Just how do I live my life with no child in it??? As I write this I feel numb, I feel as if no part of my heart knows what I should do... I want a child so badly but husband refuses to adopt and it is not up for discussion... I am just so lost in what I want and what I know I am going to get in this life... 

I mean lets face it I can't work cause of my stupid body and leg just won't let me... I mean I could work but I would face loosing my leg and I know it is just a leg but still it is apart of me and has been for 30years... I know that the Dr's say it is in my best health interest in not working but people just don't understand you would think it is great to be told you can't work and to just be at home all the time but when you feel like your home is a prison in which you can't run from what then???

I am not a homebody, I am a people person and have been my whole life, and now I am at home all day with just myself and I will tell you right now that is not good for me cause I have never liked to be at home all the time... I have never liked to be by myself a lot I was a only child and I was alone most of that time.. yea I had my parents but do parents really understand there children... UMM NO they don't

I know that I am limited in my life but should I limit my happiness on that too??? I just feel you get one life and you should be happy I know that life isn't always happy but hell I haven't been happy in 2 years since Carley was taken from me and I know that a child can not make you happy but I feel as if I would have a purpose to my life.... 

And right now I feel I have no purpose, I feel as if I am just here taking up space and air and that is a very lonely and sad way to live a life... Tell you from experience.....