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Well I am waiting very patiently for my meds to kick in. I know the Dr told me it would take me a few weeks for the increase in my meds to help me with my anxious feeling and my sadness that I just can't seem to get away from.

It is so hard to describe what it feels like to be in a room full of people and still feel so lonely inside. I feel as if nobody knows the real me. I feel as if I can't talk to people who do not suffer with depression or who understand everything that I have been through in my life. I just hate trying to describe and feeling that you just can not put into words.

I hope that one day I will be able to accept the life that God has given me, even though I am very unhappy with how I have lived it.... I even feel as if not only am I letting down the people here on Earth with me but that God is also disappointed in me. I know that I have to accept these things that have happened in my life and I need to move on but how do you move on with something that you still so desperately want. I would love to get up every morning and have a job to go to, to work again for money, to feel as if you have contributed to the world some how. Right now I just feel as if I am just another object taking up space in it. Just another useless object that people don't really need around but they keep it just because they don't really know how to get rid of it or it was given to them by someone and they don't want to hurt any one's feelings.

And I know that you are reading this going "You shouldn't feel that way about yourself, there are so many others out there that have had a harder life than yours". I know all of this but how do you tell your MIND TO STOP with all of this. I have thought this way about myself secretly for I know 20 years. I have never really liked myself and I know that everybody says that but I have just gotten really good at acting in front of people. Acting normal and that everything is good and inside I am on the verge of falling all to pieces. Even my Hubby doesn't really know or understand this. Tried to explain it to him but he doesn't even really know I have a blog... Most men keep all of there feelings inside and just try to push them away and never talk about them.... Well he does but I am not like that. I have to get them out if it is on here or to a friend. But I am careful as to which friends I tell my most darkest stuff too...I just hope that soon the meds will kick in and I will start to feel better.

I just wonder if I would still feel this way if my babies had made it. If I was a Mom would I still suffer in silence. I just don't think that I would... I just wish I could have a reset button on my life..............