August 19th Day of Hope

Today is the 19th of August it is suppose to be a Day of Hope. A day that all of us BLM's are suppose to feel as if we can speak out about our babies and not feel alone about it. A day that we come together with the ones we love to remember our babies... But for some of us we don't have anyone to talk to about our babies because those we love don't want to, don't acknowledge our babies, or feel as if it is just wrong to talk about them and worse of all feel as if they didn't existence because they never took a breath outside of there Mother's body...

It hurts me to know that they only people I have to really talk about my children with are the ones that follow and just by chance happen to read my blog. My husband doesn't read this... I know he thinks I should be over her death but she was my last chance at being a Mother and I am sorry I just can't forget about her. I don't forget about any of my babies... I wanted them so much, and I know that one day I will get to hold them for the first time but I will go ahead and say I look so forward to that day. I know they look down on me but I can't help but wonder if they need there Mommy... 

Do they need there Mommy just to hold them, to just kiss them the only way a Mommy can, to tell them they are loved the only way a Mommy can. I want to be a Mommy so bad but I know I am 30 yrs old and that some of you will say that is still really young, but I know in my heart that I will never be a Mommy... I guess that is why I am so sad today... I know that no matter what I want in my life there are some things that just will never be and I feel that this is one of those things... I wish with all my heart that I could be a Mother, and I feel as if I am Mother already but I want to be a Earth Mother to a child here with me and not one that is in Heaven and so far away from my touch and kiss... Even if I never have a child call me Mom, I would still like to have one in my life that I help to raise and love. All my friends children I love them with all my heart but I feel as if I may love them too much I am too attached, and I don't want my friends to think I am crazy over there children but they are the closest I will ever get to a child... 

I just wish my life was SO different and I know that if I really want that I have to really sit back and think to myself what is it that I want... I know what I want but I just don't know if it will ever be reality or will it always just be in my head, heart and dreams............

Carley Noel Mommy Loves you so much... Please give your siblings a hug and kiss from Mommy....