Halloween

I am sad today. Today I would have been dressing you up to go on your first Trick or Treating.

I would be taking you to church, grandparents houses, friends and families houses. I wonder what would you have been.

I am so sad today!

Gone 11 Months but not Forgotten

Dear Carley,

I missed posting on your 11 months baby girl. I didn't forget I just couldn't post that day. I can't believe that you have been gone for 11 months. Last year at this time I was dreaming of dressing you up for your first Halloween, dreaming of having you for all the holidays. I can't believe that it has gone by so quick.

Next month it will be 1 year since I lost you. I am in a wedding that day for my best friend. It is going to be an exciting day for him and his new wife and I will be happy but so sad for it was your last day with me. I miss you every day. I dream of what you would look like, if you would have my eyes or your dads, my nose, I just wish that I still had you with me and that you could have stayed with us.

I am going to do something special for you just for you and your siblings. I love you and Miss You So MUCH!!!!

Love you Always and Forever,
Mommy

Oct 15 Light a Candle

Today we Remember our Angels for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I know that all parents Remember their Angels every day of there lives but today the World Remembers our babies. I have my candle lit all day today, you are suppose to do it at 7pm but my Mother is taking me to a play of my favorite movie of all time. Steel Magnolias Love the movie so I hope I will Love the Play.

But I am not going to forget to light My Babies Candle today. I miss them every day of my life and I will continue to Miss Them.

LOVE YOU BABIES AND MISS YOU.

So if you know someone who has lost a baby or you have lost a baby light a candle tonight at 7pm in Memory of them and all the other babies that have gone to soon.

Sad

Tonight as I sit in my house alone I am sad. Last year at this time I was dreaming of  having a baby in the house and how my life would never be boring always have someone around no free time to myself. And now I am still alone will always be alone.  My womb will never have anything growing, and I am sad. I am sad because I think I would be a great mother. Instead I am here alone with my body that I hate because it isn't normal. Why did I have to have all the things happen to me!!!! Why couldn't I have one just one health one. I know there is a "Plan for me" but I wish I could be included into knowing about the plan. I am just having a bad night I know.

Carley I miss you so much words can't describe. Please know that Mommy love you and misses you so much. I am so sorry that I couldn't meet you in person but one day Mommy will see you One Day.

My Story

So I submitted my story to "Faces of Loss" blog and I saw where it was posted on September 23 under the state of Virginia. It still made me cry just reading my own story. Just knowing that Carley was the LAST BABY I WILL EVER CARRY.

I will never feel that miserable feeling that women feel at the end, or swollen legs and feet (I have that now but not the way I would like to have it by being pregnant). I will never know what it feels like to be in labor, to look at a baby and know that I did that (of course with hubby's help). I will never know what that feels like.

I hope that GOD will allow me to be a mother through a surrogate. I want to be a MOTHER so bad. I want to hold a baby in my arms and have it call me mama and My Husband who I know would be the Greatest Father in the World to have a child of his own. I know that he would be such a great father. He is a great husband and a wonderful man, I am the luckiest woman in the world because God choose me to be his wife.

I am still dealing with the fact that I am now a stay at home wife due to my leg and my vein issues. It is hard when you went to school, college, had the perfect job, LOVED your job and now you are stuck at home laying on a couch cause you are not suppose to be up much. It sucks to be honest but I am trying to stay positive and up but with winter coming and cold weather I know that it is going to be hard.

But I am just going to continue to pray my really good friend has a saying "If you worry you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry." I really need to try and live by that.