My Song

Maroon 5 song "Sad" is my new favorite song... The piano in this song and Adam's voice just melts me... I have listened to this song I know a billion times today and tonight... I just keep it on repeat... It has a lot of meaning to me so I am going to post the words to the song.....

                                                                        "Sad"

                                                           Man, it's been a long day

Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad

Man, it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I'm so sad, saaad
I'm so sad, so sad

Oh, but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I'm so sad, so sad

Now the words to this song have meaning to my life right now in ways that I won't talk about on here... But I had to post it... 

Carley Noel Mommy loves you so much.... 

Happy Angelversary

Today is Carley's twins Angelversary... 3 years ago today I found out that I was indeed pregnant and that they did see a heart... then I got the BUT there is Baby B and there is No heart beat... 

So Angel Baby B Mommy Loves you and Misses you every single day.... 

Music

There are so many songs in this world that just stand out to your feelings that you are having at the moment in your life... Right now I have a lot of them that have really touched me... I bought the new Maroon 5 CD and I am so in loved with the majority of songs on it....

One is called "Sad" and that song just touches a cord with me so much... I have been sad tonight. Have you ever felt like just throwing in the towel and saying "I quit"... Well I am just about to put the white flag up and surrender... To surrender is so hard!!! It makes you feel as if you are a failure... I feel like that just about every single day... I know that in order for me to surrender I have to say that "I quit", "I give up", "I am weak".... That is what it feels like to me... 

It is funny how certain songs can just touch you... Another song that touches a cord with me is "Paradise" by Cold Play... The words in the song go 

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly

Last year when that song came out I listened to it every single day... I even went as far as to say if anything happen to me last year when I had my hysterectomy that if anything happen to me I wanted that song played at my funeral (morbid I know but with all the blood thinners I take and all the complications that could have happen I planned my funeral the night before my surgery just in case to make it easier on my family). 

Another song that I have been listening to a lot is P!nk "F Perfect" There is a part in the song that says

You are so mean when you talk about yourself

You were wrong

Change the voices in your head

Make them like you instead

Now those who know me know (and I am sure we all are) that I am worst critic... I think nothing but negative things about myself every single F'ing day... Now I know everybody is going to say that you shouldn't think like that but hell we all have done it in our life but with everything that has happen to me in the last 2 years (almost 3 come November 20) I feel as if I am all the negative things that I think in my head...

Another song I love is "Baby Mine" now you all know it is from the movie "Dumbo" but also from the movie "Beaches"... When I was pregnant with Carley I would sing this song every day for her... I always said that when she got here I would sing it to her every night... Now I sit in the dark and listen to it and think of how special and precious to me she was and would have been to me...

Now I could go on and on and on about the many songs that I have been listening too here lately and tell you each one of them and how they make me feel and why I like them and how it relates to my life but hell I know y'all don't want to sit here that long to read this boring shit... 

The hole that I have fell into just seems like it is never ending and I feel as if the daylight at the top is getting dimmer and dimmer and I can't seem to climb out of it... I do a pretty good job of putting on the smile, and the I am so happy and I love my life... But I am getting tried!! I am not sure how much more I can fake... I know that I just have to hold on a little bit longer and my meds will kick in (the increased dose of Prozac)... But damn I wish it would hurry up!!!

I know that life is not fair, balanced, equal, square, or even a straight line... But must the road of life been all speed bumps and huge hills to climb... Can't it sometimes be just flat and even. Because to be honest I seem to be running on fumes... I need my tank refilled and I am just trying to make it to the store to do so.... 

Carley Noel Mommy loves you so much baby girl... Please know that every single day I think of you and your siblings and I love you and Miss you so much. I know one day I will hold you and kiss you and I hope you will know who I am... But please baby girl keep those that are close to my heart safe  

Love

Well I have decided to keep writing on here... I need a outlet even if it is just for myself... I know that my husband will never understand why I miss my babies so much... I guess the saying is true that men don't become fathers until they hold the baby... We become Mothers as soon as we see the + sign on the test or the two lines...

I have entered a giveaway on Somewhere Over the Rainbow in memory of her daughter Hannah who passed away 3 years ago this Friday... I found Katy by accident right after I lost Carley and our daughters were the same age at death... Katy helped me get through some tough times and also she helped me start my blog. She was placed in my life in a very Dark moment and her daughters blog is on my page please click it and join....

Her other blog that she has is giving the give away she is a very creative person and she has started making these beautiful blocks that I really want!!!! I showed them to my husband tonight and he said why you want them... I informed him I wanted them to Spell Carley Noel and to place on the mantle where her other memorial items are... He just doesn't get it... I am going to post two pictures of the blocks... tell me if you think there are pretty...


Carley Mommy Loves you and Misses you sooo Much baby girl... Give your siblings a kiss from Mommy... 

Nobody

I think I am going to stop writing on here. I know that there is really nobody reading anything I put on here. I know that it helps me with my thoughts but I don't have people commenting back so I don't know if my thoughts are good, bad, should be different or if others even care...

I just need feed back even if it is good or bad. I wish someone could tell me if I am only in the ways I feel or not.... 

I was watching TV tonight and I saw a lady who got a piece of jewelry made for her child who passed away at birth and it was beautiful.... I have my necklace but I want something that is from me and for my children. I found this beautiful ring that I wanted but hubby said no grant it is would cost $800 so I completely understand... But it was gorgeous it had diamonds and then you could put each one of your children's birthstone in the spaces between the diamonds... Now if I got the cubic z stones it was $475 which would be fine with me... but maybe one day I will find that piece of jewelry that I can't live without for my children....

I often think of ways that I could do things to remember my babies... I feel each day that passes I am slipping farther from them... I want a tattoo but hubby says no on that too... I just need to have something that is on me at all times that is for everyone to see about my babies... I think since I don't have a place to morn for them that I could at least have something on my body that would show the world they were here they were real, they did exist.... 

But I think I will just stop with all the writing cause it doesn't do any good to just write and no one care....

My Angels in Heaven I love you so much and I wish every day that you were here with me and I am sorry that Mommy couldn't bring you into the world... I wish with every breath I take that you were here..... 

Have you ever

Have you ever woke up one morning and thought today will be different... Today I will be different, no more feeling sorry for myself, no more guilt, no more hurt, no more pain, no more no more no more no more no more......

Well I didn't exactly wake up this morning feeling like that but as my morning went I had this wonderful feeling that everything was going to be okay.. That I may be able to just get through one day and have it end wonderful.... Well I tried... and then I messed up...

You know what hurts more than actual physical pain itself... Hurting someone you love... I did that twice today... I hurt two very important people in my life by me just being me and all in my head I said some hurtful things today that I wish I could take back... Just goes to show me that the old saying you have always heard in your life "never say anything in anger" is true... Neither person that I said some hurtful things to today had anything to do with why I was mad. I was mad at myself and I leashed that anger out when I should have leashed it to myself.... But isn't that how it goes... When we are mad at ourselves we usually through it onto the ones we love...

Well I did just that and I have said I was sorry to my loved ones but does it make a difference... No it didn't make me feel better for what I said or did, and all it did was leave them thinking what had they done to me for me to lash out... NO matter how many times I say I am sorry they will still remember that I said those things, or I acted that way..... 

I know from my heart that I was only mad at myself and I have no one to blame but myself and I take that blame and hold full responsibility for it.... I just hope one day they will know that I am not perfect, I make mistakes all the time, I am trying to do the right things, I am trying to follow my heart and make the right decisions that is best for my life... I am trying to hold on to "My Dream" but no matter how hard I try I feel like I maybe pushing "My Dream" further and further away from me.... I hope that I can catch it one day!!!!

Carley Mommy loves you and misses you ever single day...
To MY Angels In Heaven I love you babies!!!!! 

Trying to hold it together

I had my friends over tonight with there 10 day old son and I was doing really good with everything... I cooked supper and was enjoying there company. I tried to stay busy so I wouldn't have to really have time to think you know and then when dinner was over I knew I had to prepare myself....

They placed him in my arms and I said I didn't want to hold him cause I could feel the tears in my eyes coming.... But I held him and I did so good I held back the tears until they left and now it is like a waterfall... My husband has no idea cause he is sitting in the chair watching TV... I know he wouldn't understand and I am so happy I have this blog to vent how I feel...

I am so happy for them he is a precious little boy so sweet, and beautiful (I know I shouldn't say that about a boy but he is).... They are so lucky... Before they came over tonight I went ahead and lit Carley's candle and asked her to give me the strength that I would need to get through the evening....

I am such a bad person here my friends are nice enough to come over and bring there new son and all I could do was think in my head and in my heart this will NEVER be me... I will never know what the feeling is like to hold my child in my arms.... I will never know what it is like to have a child call me Mom... I will never know and I want to do is ball but I won't I will hold it in and be strong... I will not (I hope that I won't)....

I am such a awful person.... I shouldn't feel like this... I am so happy for them don't get me wrong... but all I want to do right now is fall apart....

I am such a awful person......

Huh!!

Every day I try to get up and be positive on what the day will hold for me... But I have been on a emotional roller coaster... One minute I am happy, sad, crying, and mad.... I know that it has been almost 3 years since Carley left me to be with God but in my heart it still feels like yesterday... I just don't know what I can do to move on... 

All my friends have children but me... All my friends are talking about growing there family to even more children and I am so so so happy for them but all of them feel as if they can't talk about it with me... They all try and hide it and I am the last to find out about there new additions... 

Most friends don't want to talk to me about it... I know that it is hard for them to know how I feel but if they never ask me questions about her or ask me how I feel about talking about her how will they ever know how I feel... I don't want to push the topic on them and make them talk about her with me when I know in there hearts they DO NOT want to talk to me at all about her....

Every day I dream about what it would be like to hear her voice calling Mama to me in the morning... what it would be like to have her here and being with her, kissing her, holding her, chasing after her, doing all the things that mothers get to do... But the only problem is with me is I can only do those things in MY DREAMS...

I will never be able to do them here on Earth... I miss my babies oh so much...
Mommy Loves you My Angels In Heaven!!!!! 

Need Your Help Please

As many of you know I have a Facebook page and it has the new timeline.... well I have a photographer friend who has offered to do my another cover photo for Carley and I need some ideas as what to do... I will post the picture on here of the current one I have but would like to do a new one... So PLEASE PLEASE suggest any ideas that you have.... 

Today

Today was a better day for me... I spent the whole day with my parents who spoiled me today and even though I am 30 years old it was good to be spoiled by them.... 

We are at the beach and at dinner tonight I went to the restroom and had a lady ask me about my necklace I have the open heart angel necklace. She asked me if that was for my child and I said yes.... I went ahead and told her yes it is for my children who are in heaven. They are my Angels in Heaven and she was shocked and said she was sorry she asked... 

I hate that people have to say sorry... I know that it is just human nature and that she was prolly a mother herself and it was just out of the kindness of her heart. I told her she didn't have to be sorry that I was happy to tell her about my children, and that it didn't bother me a bit....

This may sound bad but I love when people like to talk to me about my children even if they are complete strangers.... At least I know that when I talk about them the world hasn't forgotten about them and that is my one of my fears... I know that my children existed cause they were inside me and I felt the sickness, and the kicking, the Dr's appt and the heart ache every day that I am alive knowing that they are not here for me..

My family is around me this week with all of there children and it makes me happy and sad at the same time... I want to have memories like they are having with a child....

But I know in my Heart that it won't happen.... Why can't I just get over it??? Why do I have to feel so damn said every single day when I see a family with a baby, or a pregnant person, why do I always have to wish for things that I know will not happen to me??? 

Carley Mommy misses you every single day... I can only imagine what it would be like to have you here with me at the beach and making memories with you... what would it be like to have a child here... I will only be ble to imagine it... 

Why Bother!!!!

Ever had some of those days when you feel like WHY EVEN BOTHER!!! Well I have been having those days all week... Everyone is coming at me asking me question about my life and I am just to the point where I don't even know what to tell them cause I feel like Why Bother with it....

Now I know some may take that as I am saying I give up but some days the day just defeats you and you have to go to bed and just get up the next day and try all over again.... but right now I just want to go to bed and sleep for like a month and wake up and my life be totally different... I know that will not happen unless I do it myself but OMG I am freaking out... My stomach kills me every single day, I am just a total mess inside and I am trying to hide it from everyone I am close too because I don't want them to worry even more about me... I know they only worry cause I know they love me but they stress me out even more... I just need moments... Moments to scream, cuss, cry, be pissed off and just vent... 

But I am trying to please everyone and trying to say all the right things to everyone.... 

And I am feel is I am failing everyone.... And I am not saying or doing anything right....

Carley Mommy loves and Misses you so much!!!! The day I get to be with you in Heaven will be Heaven for me... 

Just why CAN'T I BE A MOMMY???????? Why does everything in my life have to be so HARD while others have it so easy.... People think I am a very strong person but I am falling apart inside and I feel as if I have no safety net, and no one to catch me when I fall.... 

Ugh!!!!!!! I wish I could just RUN FAR FAR FAR AWAY and when I returned my LIFE WOULD BE WONDERFUL AND HAPPY AND FILLED WITH MY BIGGEST WISH!!!!!

ME A MOMMY!!!!