Have you ever

Have you ever woke up one morning and thought today will be different... Today I will be different, no more feeling sorry for myself, no more guilt, no more hurt, no more pain, no more no more no more no more no more......

Well I didn't exactly wake up this morning feeling like that but as my morning went I had this wonderful feeling that everything was going to be okay.. That I may be able to just get through one day and have it end wonderful.... Well I tried... and then I messed up...

You know what hurts more than actual physical pain itself... Hurting someone you love... I did that twice today... I hurt two very important people in my life by me just being me and all in my head I said some hurtful things today that I wish I could take back... Just goes to show me that the old saying you have always heard in your life "never say anything in anger" is true... Neither person that I said some hurtful things to today had anything to do with why I was mad. I was mad at myself and I leashed that anger out when I should have leashed it to myself.... But isn't that how it goes... When we are mad at ourselves we usually through it onto the ones we love...

Well I did just that and I have said I was sorry to my loved ones but does it make a difference... No it didn't make me feel better for what I said or did, and all it did was leave them thinking what had they done to me for me to lash out... NO matter how many times I say I am sorry they will still remember that I said those things, or I acted that way..... 

I know from my heart that I was only mad at myself and I have no one to blame but myself and I take that blame and hold full responsibility for it.... I just hope one day they will know that I am not perfect, I make mistakes all the time, I am trying to do the right things, I am trying to follow my heart and make the right decisions that is best for my life... I am trying to hold on to "My Dream" but no matter how hard I try I feel like I maybe pushing "My Dream" further and further away from me.... I hope that I can catch it one day!!!!

Carley Mommy loves you and misses you ever single day...
To MY Angels In Heaven I love you babies!!!!!