14 Days

14 days till I turn 30. Never thought this is how my life would be. 30 years old and not a Mom, lost her dream job due to health issues, and feeling less of a woman. It is just funny how when you are young you think of your future you think it will be just like you plan.

Go to college get a great dream job that you love, falling in love with a great man, get married and try to start a family. That is when things started to fall apart for me. Got pregnant the first time not planned but still excited only to miscarry at 9 weeks. So then comes the long hard year of trying to get pregnant and you can't so then you go down the road of fertility drugs and you get pregnant with twins. Only to find out that you have lost one at 8 1/2 weeks but the other baby is doing great. So then you put all your hopes and dreams into that little miracle. You go in every two weeks for check ups and you watch her grow, jump, bounce, and every time you see her you fall more and more in love with her. You make it through your 1st trimester great and you finally feel as if everything is going to be okay, only to have that wonderful miracle ripped from you. You grieve for the baby that you lost, that dream, that hope, and you hope and dream for another miracle to be given, only to have that RIPPED from you as well. Then you find out that everything you dreamed when you were little is not going to be.

I can remember being a little girl and playing Mommy, never would have ever thought that is as close to being a Mom I would get, only to play Mommy!!!

It is Gone!

Well I know it isn't a nice way to put it but it is Gone. My womb is gone no babies will come to me from the "natural" way of having children. All my friends hate it when I say it that way but it is true. I know that there are other ways to have a child but it is a BIG change for me. I just hope that maybe one day God will bless us with a child to be ours and raise. I know that I am all for having a child but my hubby is still on the fence I don't know exactly why he is unsure. I have tried to get him to talk to me about it and help me to understand how he feels. I have to wonder if he feels he is getting older and isn't going to have the patience for a child. I just hope and pray that God will bless us and none of us know what God has planned for us but I just don't and will never understand why we were chosen to go down this path....

My recovery is going okay I didn't expect the amount of pain to be like this since the surgery was able to be done laprascopic (spelling). But it has been very painful and I have found out that I am a wimp. I don't see how women can have a c-section and be up moving about and taking care of a baby. Maybe the joy of the baby helps to mask the the pain but I have a new found respect for all of my friends who have been through it.

I have been doing okay emotionally I broke down really bad this past Monday and I just had a good cry as some people would say. I guess I needed that as well. This is not only a physical surgery but also a mental one due to the fact that what really made me a woman is now gone. I know that all my friends who will get pregnant from now on will really hesitate in telling me and I hate that they feel like they have to tip toe around the subject with me but I should really look at it as they care about me enough to feel for me. I just hate the feeling sorry that is given some times. I just want to be a MOM so bad to have the pity patter of feet, the sound of a cry, the eyes of a innocent smiling baby looking back at me and knowing that I am there MOM but I have never felt that. I will prolly never have a child come running to me saying Mommy. I guess I will only be a Mommy to four legged and furry babies....... :(

The day is here

Well the day is here.... It is 1am and I can't sleep, I am due to be at the hospital at 7:30 for surgery. Everyone ask me am I nervous and yes I am but I am more upset that my dream of being a mother is coming to an end literally.... I mean I know that it has been over for a year but you still have that hope that science would catch up with me and I would be able to be a mother but that time of waiting for science is over as well.

2 years ago today I found out that I was going to loose you Carley so it is only fitting that today I finish the dream and have surgery. I wanted you so bad baby girl and I know that people don't understand why I can't really move on from you. I guess I will always sort of to say be stuck on you cause you were my last try, my last kick felt, last test, last everything. You are but had you made it to us you would have been one of the most LOVED little girls ever. You would have two parents who would always be there for you and do anything they could to keep you safe, loved, healthy, and anything. But I know that you are safe, loved, healthy and waiting for Mommy and Daddy. And I hope and pray one day I will see you again in Heaven and I hope you will know who I am and how much I love you. I can't help but think of the song by Eric Clapton Tears in Heaven....

Mommy Loves You Baby Girl and until we meet again one day I will write to you on here!!!

Almost Here

Well I have less than 48 hours till my surgery. I am nerves, scared, and in a way glad that relief is in the near future. I have been doing a lot of things this week to keep me busy so I won't think about the surgery. This is what I wanted to have the surgery to get relief from the issues I have been having. I am also sad that this will be ending my "childbearing years" as the Dr's like to call it. I have also been thinking a lot of Carley. I can't help but think of all the what could have been..... I guess I will always have those thoughts.

Count Down

Well the count down has begun to your 2nd year in Heaven baby girl. Mommy thinks about your every single day and she misses you more and more. I came to so close to being a Mom with you and I know that he God and my body had allowed it to come true you would have been the best little girl ever. I am sure by now you would be giving Mommy a time with everything. You would have been 2 this coming up April so I am sure by now you would have been into everything.

This month is going to be a even sadder month for me. For this month I have my hysterectomy scheduled for Nov 17th. It is funny that that was the only date she had open because in 2009 on Nov. 17 that is the same date that I found out I was going to loose you baby girl. Mommy's whole life went down that day. My life crashed and I am still slowly picking up the pieces. I hide my pain very well from everyone close to me cause I know they are tired of seeing me cry for you tried of me talking about you so now I just cry in silence, when I am alone, I cry every time I write to you on here.

I can't really believe that I will never be a Mom. I have been trying to push the feeling aside until after I have the surgery to really let it hit me what had to be done but there are so many people around me having babies, or finding out they are pregnant. And I will admit I am VERY HAPPY for them and pray for there sweet babies to arrive here healthy. But there is a pull at my heart cause I know I will never have sweet wonderful news like that. I won't have someone call me Mommy, someone to console, or rock to sleep, to cuddle when they are sick, or someone to watch grow up. All of mine are having to watch and wait for Mommy to go to heaven if I get too.

The date of my surgery is also the day that my Mother-In-Law passed away 11 years before. So hopefully I will have several Angels looking out for me that day. But you know I have come to a point in my life where I don't want to leave my Husband, Family or Friends, but I would love to be able to see and Hold My Babies Just Once!!!!! I would love to hold them and give them kisses and tell them how much Mommy Loves Them!!!! But all I can do is pray that one day I will get that chance.

There is a lot of stuff I have to do before surgery. I am having to get Iv Iron infusions, going to have to start getting my blood thinner through a shot until surgery. The list goes on and on. But one thing is for sure on Nov 20, 2011 I will more than likely be at the place where Carley and I were at the last time I felt her move in me.

I am trying very hard to hide my feelings and act as if I am happy of the upcoming surgery (which with the problems that I am having I am in a way happy). But Sad at the same time. I just wish that God would take the hurt, the longing, the wanting, and the HOPE away of me being a Mother cause I know that I never will be. My chances are long gone!!

Mommy Loves You Angels with All of Her Heart!!!!!!!!

Haven't been in the mood

Well I haven't really been in the mood to blog here lately. I have been having some health issues and I just have been really down and out and just didn't really know how to voice my feelings.

Tomorrow I have to go and have a iron transfusion my cycles have been all messed up and my doctors have advised me that I need to have "the talk" with my GYN now. So I go next Tuesday to talk about having a hysterectomy. I am not even 30 yet and I am having to make that final decision.

I know that the Dr's have told me that I can never have children but this just makes it official. There is no hope, luck, changed in my other health issues nothing nada. I am trying to act like that it doesn't bother me and that I am okay with this but in all honesty I am breaking inside. It is like reliving the whole thing all over again. Reliving the fact that I am NEVER GOING TO BE A MOTHER.  I know that some people don't view me as a mother any way cause none of my children lived here on earth but in my body and I am starting to feel the same way. I don't know what it is like to hold my child in my arms, kiss it's head, wipe it's tears, all the things that a Mother does I have no clue as to what that feels like. I am so scared that I am going to turn into a jealous, angry, person who doesn't have feeling because I try so very hard to bottle them up inside me and keep them hidden from people because I know that the majority of them feel I should be so far past all of this. It will be 2 years in Nov since I lost Carley but it hurts just as much today as it did all those months ago.

I really believe the saying "You don't know how I feel unless you have walked a mile in my shoes."

And all I can think of is Why did this have to happen to me?
Am I that bad of a person?
Why does God give children to people that he knows are not going to love them and treat them bad.

Why couldn't I be a MOMMY???????????????

Been Gone

I have been gone from my blog for a while I have been busy with getting our new house together. We have moved and have gotten just about everything where we need it to be. I am currently on vacation and yesterday I wrote Carley's name in the sand and my cousins wife asked me do I constantly think of Carley and my babies and my answer is yes, she also asked me if it bothered me to talk about my babies or do I wish for her to not bring them up and I told her I like talking about them but most people feel uncomfortable talking to me about them.

I am just like all mothers you like to talk about your children. You like to say what they are doing and then things they can and can not due well I like to talk about if my children would be walking, talking, what they would look like and if they would act more like me or my husband. I can't help but think of her and my babies every day cause unlike most mothers I don't have my children here to look at, touch, kiss, hold and I know one day I will get to do all those things but I wished that I could do them now.

I wished I could be a Mommy!!!!

New house

My husband and I just purchased our first home in April. He has been hard at painting and putting in hardwood floors (since my blood clots all I can do is supervise him).  He is working so hard to make our new home wonderful. It didn't need a lot of work just some paint and we took out the carpet (due to my allgeries). I know that we will have so many wonderful new memories that I just can't wait to experience. One I hope will happen is a child. I can't help but wonder about us moving into our new home with Carley. I know she would have loved her big room, and the big yard to play in.

I never would have ever thought that we would be able to purchase this home due to my disability but God answered our prayers. I know that in time all things God has planned for us will happen. I am still a students to his work and I still struggle with being patience.

18 Months

Well it has been 18 long months since you left us Carley. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. It has been so struggles along on my path of being a Baby Loss Mom. I have so many friends who have welcomed Beautiful healthy babies and I can't help but feel that little twinge of well i guess some would call it jealously. But I know that it is a good kind of jealous. I am so HAPPY that so far none of them have had to feel the hurt and pain that I have felt these 18 months. It has actually been longer than 18 months. It has been since 2008 when I lost my first baby.

Some people think that just because you have lost one before that it is easier. Well I hate to say it but it isn't. It is harder because you know that pain that is soon to come. You know how hard that path that you are going to be on. Many family and friends think that once you hit a certain time line that you should be "Over It". Well you never get over a loss of a child. It doesn't matter if they have been on earth or only in there Mom. It is a hurt and pain that only us BLM's can understand. It is a hurt that all BLM's try to explain to their family and friends but unless that have walked in our shoes they don't understand.

Our hurt and pain is all about the "What if" and "What could". I think now of would Carley be talking (or a big of talker as I am or more like her father), I wonder if she would have blonde hair, brown eye, hazel, if she would like the same foods I do, or love animals like me. My whole life will be about those things. Every time I see my BFF's little girl I think if our children would have been BFF's like we are (in my first pregnancy we were one week apart in due dates). The hurt of knowing there will never be a blood line carried on from my husband and I. There is nothing to go on and show the two of us. I won't have a child that people say "She favors her mother".

I hope and pray that God will bless us with an adopted child. But as we all know that adoption is expensive and I just hope and pray that God will help us find the means to fulfill our long to be parents.

International Babyloss Mother's Day

I would like to say I am thinking all of my fellow BLM's today. I know that for some it is a very hard, lonely and sad day. It is sad for me, next Sunday all the well deserved Mother's will get a very public recognized Mother's Day while most people don't know even know that today is special to all of us BLM's.

I know that my children are okay but I can't help but wanting and long for them to be here with me in my arms today. I know that all of my fellow BLM's have the same feelings. I will always have that longing to hold my babies, I will always long to tell them that I love them, and want to kiss them, wipe their tears and kiss their boo boo's away. I will always long for them and wish they were here with me.

To all My Angel's in Heaven Mommy Loves you and I am sending XOXOXO to you in Heaven. I love you and miss you every day!!!!

The Dead Baby Blog

I received a email today from Crystal from Calvin's Cup Cakes for Heavenly Angels. She said that I was going to be featured for May's Blog of the Month. I feel honored that people would get to read my journey through my life. Being a Mother of 3 Angels is very difficult and many people don't view that I am a Mother at all since I have never feed a baby on my breast, laid on on my chest, 3am feedings and dirty diaper. No I am a Mother with just as hard job, I have to live every day and know that I will never be able to do any of those things. I will never be able to hold a child of my own in my arms.

I know that I can adopt and I pray to God that he will bless us with a child that way. I long to be a mother of a Earth Baby. I just have to have Faith in God that he will bless us with the chance to be parents to a child through this special way. I hope and pray that if you are reading my blog for the first time that you become a follower of mine and help give me the support that I so long for.

xoxoxo

17 Months

Sorry I haven't posted on your 17 months in Heaven baby girl but Mommy has been busy. It is so hard to believe that you have been gone for 17 months. Last Friday April 22, 2011 should have been your 1st birthday here with Daddy and I but I know that you had a great birthday in Heaven with your siblings and all of your family.

You Papa (great granddad) as you know is now in heaven with you and all of the family. He passed away on April 13, 2011 and I have been busy helping my Aunt out with her 2 children getting them to ball games and different things. Last week was a sad week for Mommy with your 17 months gone and then your birthday Mommy just had a hard time with writing this to you. I think of you every day but last week was a little different. You should have been here and I can't help but think what would you have been doing. Would you have walking, talking, crawling and just being your special self that I know you would have been. I can only feel like you would have been into everything because the short time Mommy carried you to 20 weeks you were a busy little bee inside of me. You were always jumping and playing every time we saw you on the ultrasound screen. I am sure you would have been a busy bee here on earth too.

Mommy and Daddy just closed on our first house. You would have loved it. It has plenty of space inside for you to have played in and it has a Huge yard. Your Granddaddy said it has a lot of yard because he ran out of gas cutting it this week. I thought that was funny but I feel as if your granddaddy didn't.  The dogs are going to love having a big yard to play in as well. Since Mommy and Daddy seem to be the drop off for unwanted doggies you would have had right many to play with. Mommy just can't seem to the pound to come and get them. I will just do what I can to feed them. Daddy is always telling Mommy we have to many dogs but he takes care of them and I know he loves them all too. Since you and your siblings are not here Mommy treats the doggies as if they are my children (just with four legs and fur).

We will have somethings to fix in the house before we move in but I will put up some pictures as soon as we are done. Mommy also has to put your pictures up of your balloon release that we did in November for your one year angelversary. I know Mommy has been bad, I can't seem to get over the the woman's house that has the CD, but I am going to try and get them as soon as possible. In the new house you will have a special place on the Mantel for your candle, Willow tree Angel and your crocheted angels. So everyone will be able to see them. Grandma and Mommy are going to plant and make a special place for you with flowers and a stepping stone that is going to have your name on it along with your date and your siblings date too. Mommy wants to have a special place to go and sit and look at since I don't have a place for Mommy to remember you. I feel like a little flower garden will be great and I am going to plant a hydrangea bush for you (because Mommy loves that) and some Lilly's there as well, and some tulips and of course if I can get them to grow some forget me not's. I want to to be a big beautiful garden (that is if Mommy can find her green thumb, hope that I do).

Mommy loves and misses you so much. I think of you every day and I know that you are safe and loved in Jesus' arms. I know in my heart I will see you one day. I just want you to know that even though I may not post on here like I should Mommy thinks and loves you every day.

Love You My Angels in Heaven xoxoxoxo

16 Months

I couldn't post on Sunday for your 16 months baby cause Daddy was sick with the flu. I really do miss you and wish that you were here with us every day. Soon it will be coming up on your what was suppose to be your 1st Birthday Mommy hopes that she can make it through that day but I know it will be hard. Mommy and Daddy Love you so much and miss you.

xoxoxoxo

15 Months

So hard to believe that it has been 15 months today since you left me. I am reminded every day by my ache in my heart for you. You and my others Angels are always on my mind and in My Heart Forever! I will always long for the time that I could have held you in my arms and kissed you. Given and been presents for all your first things, but the Lord had another plan in mind for you. Even though your time here was short and I may never fully understand why I was never able to meet you I know that the Lord gave you to me for a reason and you saved my life.

I know that God gave you to me because he knew that you would be my final chance, he wanted me to feel you inside me, to feel your kicks and know that you were a girl. God knew that if he didn't take you and I still ended up with the blood clot I would have put your life before mine, just like every other mother would do for their child. I would have wanted to protect you and give you the fighting chance to have a life here on Earth with Me and Daddy. But I know I will meet you one day in the most amazing place that we can even dream of. I know that you are in Heaven and you are not alone you are with Family, Siblings, and all the other Angels Babies that have gone too soon but Never Forgotten.

I love You Carley Noel and Angels!!

Maybe Looking up I said Maybe!!

Well I got some good news today wish I could share it but just not yet. I have been praying and praying that 2011 would be a better year for my husband and me and just maybe things are starting to change but it is TOO early to tell yet.

I am still on my med and went to the Dr last week and he told me that my leg still has a clot in it (big one) and that it would be long time before I will or ever will see a change in it. My blood is still a yo yo up and down all the time. I now know exactly why my patients use to fuss about being on coumadin it sucks you can't eat what you want (well you can but you have to take a HUGE dose), and with a huge clot like mine you can't do anything that you want to do. I want to work like a normal person so bad and I can't. I know people look at me and think "what the heck is wrong with her why can't she work instead she sits at home on her fat tail and makes her husband work his tail off trying to pay for everything". I know I should NOT care what people think but I do.

Yesterday I spent the day with my friend Joan... Helped me pass the day cause I would have sat at home crying and thinking about how this should have been Carley's 1st Valentine's Day with us. I just really ticks me off every time I see people who need more kids or a kid at all like they need a hole in there head pop them out left and right. I wonder if I will ever get over that feeling???? I still feel a little empty inside, my dreams of being a Mom to a child feels so far away like I may never be able to accomplish that and it bothers me to no end. I feel as if my husband and I would be great parents, but I know what everybody is going to say "God has a plan" and he does just wish he would give me a preview like the movies do.........

Hmmmmmm

Well it is has been almost a year since my life took a turn upside down. This upcoming Sunday will be 1 year since my blood clots in my leg took away my job, my chance of being a Mom, and what I would have considered being a "Normal" person.


I had to reach out for some help with my looming depression that I have been trying to hold off on my own but for some reason the whole month of January I could just feel myself getting in a black hole and not being able to find may way out. Some people may call it a bad funk but I had to reach out to the my Dr's for some meds to help me. They haven't taken it away but they have helped take the edge off. Still struggling every day with only having one income in the house, still no word on my disability I just hope and pray that it comes through. I know that if people look at me they can't see or tell except for my limp that there is really anything wrong with me. I know that some people feel that I should just suck it up and try to work. I did that last year and worked for one week and then spent a week in the hospital, and the Dr's said it was just too dangerous. So what am I suppose to do. I worked and paid my money and they just told me that "I should get a sit down job, and one that was less stressful" and denied me my disability. Thing is I HAD A sit down job as a Dental Hygienist and I didn't know that cleaning teeth was that stressful. I LOVED MY JOB and I miss working I know that people feel like it would be so GREAT not having to work but for me it sucks. I was a very independent person and now I have to have others help me. I had a job that made me feel like I was needed to now just feeling like I exist in the world.


I can't even help my Husband with paying bills because I don't have any money and can't do anything to make any money because of this stupid leg. I know that I should be happy that I still have a leg after what I went through but damn some days the pain just makes you feel like "is it even worth all of this". I know there are so many people in this world that are a lot worse than me, but tonight I just needed to have a pitty party of my own.


I feel bad cause I know that my husband would like to have so many things in his life he works extremely hard and I feel like if he didn't have a dead beat wife he could have a house of his own, nice vehicle, and most of all CHILDREN.

Sims 3

When I had to quit work due to my blood clots my college roommate sent me the game Sims 3. We use to play it when it first came out in college. I can say that I go through spells of playing it. I play it every day sometimes or I play it every once and a while. Right now my Husband said I am going through my "Binge Mood" of playing it. I like it that I can have different jobs, houses, and most important is I can have All the Kids that I WANT TO HAVE!!!! I have one family that I have made that has like 7 kids and the mother is a stay at home Mom.

I know it is weird for a 29 year old woman to be playing a computer game but when you have to be laying down all day you find things to help keep you "SANE" and the game helps me pass the day/ nights. I have been going through a phase where I can't sleep due to some dreams and I can't seem to shut my mind off. I know how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband and parents but there is a HUGE void in me that I can't seem to fill right now. I know that really it will only be filled by a child and I pray to GOD that he will bless us with a child to raise.

I know that it will help complete me. I know the line from the famous movie but it will. I just feel like God wouldn't give me the love and the "Want" for a child that he would never fulfill. I still feel like Hubby is passing his life with me and not knowing if he will have a child is hurtful. If he hadn't falling in love with me he would have a child of his own and with me that will never happen. I know I am just talking to hear my brain rattle is what he would say. Maybe I am, maybe I am just going nuts. hmmmmmmm????

14 Months

It is hard to believe that you have been gone for that long. I still miss you so much and I know that you are in Heaven and are okay but I still can't help but wish that you were here with me. You were my last chance at having a child but I know that even though you are not here with me on Earth I am still your Mom and I will see you one day.

I miss my other babies too I guess I talk about you more because of that reason I had put all my hopes and dreams into you, and I just knew that God was going to give me a chance at being a parent. That I was going to get to bring a baby into the world that was ours, but I was wrong. He thought you were too special to be here on Earth with us, you needed to go straight to him.

I am doing better but some days are better than others. Some days the pain isn't as bad in my heart for you, but I am scared that people are going to forget that you existed and I don't want that to happen. I will do my best to keep your memory alive.

I will never forget you and I will Always Love You!!!!

Friends

Today was another blue day in my blue world. I just have felt really alone today and missing my babies so much. I called up a friend and went over to her house since hubby had to work late. I spent 3 hours of just talking to her about all my feelings, my pains, my dreams, my hopes and how I feel like I have a HUGE BLACK CLOUD over me all the time.

I know that some people don't understand and don't know what to say to someone like me but sometimes it isn't what they say it is how well they can listen. Tonight I just needed a friend to listen to me. I don't have a lot of followers on this blog and don't really get a lot of feed back on here so sometimes I just need to talk to a human to get the feedback of the feeling that someone is listening to me, reading my thoughts something to make it feel like I am not alone.

My family and hubby are prolly all tried of hearing me talk (since all of them will say I have been talking since the day I was born) about the same things and I know that some friends are starting to feel that way too but I can't help it. These feelings that I have are the same EVERYDAY!! Some days they are not as bad as others. Today I guess the weather too had a play in it cold, gray, cloudy day. And I know that winter can make you depressed if you are stuck inside all the time. And the whole point that I don't really want to go any where and spend money that I really don't have to spend in the first place. But I think I am going to try and go out to lunch one day with my friend. Just get out of the house. Wednesday is my day to do that cause that is the Dr day (have to get my blood checked every Wednesday).

But we will just have to wait and see.

2011 is blue

I know that everybody loves when a new year come up because it gives you a chance at a new start for a new year. Well mine is blue. I am just blue. I am just sad, or in a funk, or just blue. I think I put so much effort into being happy at Christmas that it has caught up with me.  I have tried for so long to show people that I am better about my life, that I am happy (when I am really not), that I am a strong woman (when I am not), that I can handle what life has thrown at me last year.... But in reality I AM NOT. I am not dealing very well right now.

Maybe it is because it will be a year next month that my whole life fell apart again. When I suffered my blood clot that has taken away my career, my chances of having a child, my health, my hobbies, hell to just say it IT HAS TOTALLY SCREWED UP MY LIFE. That was the nicest way I could say it.

I mean for real how many 29 year olds have to give up a career they love so much because it is bad for you health. I LOVED MY JOB, I would also have LOVED to be a MOTHER, but that too was taken from me. There will never be a child on this earth RELATED TO ME BY BLOOD. I will not carry on after I pass, my husband will not carry on after he passes. It will be as if we just blew away with the wind.  We are talking about adoption which is what I really want cause I hope to have a better chance at a child then with surrogacy just because IVF fails and I know my sister in law wants to do it but I don't want her to feel pressure if it doesn't and I don't want to put her through all of the pain of shots, and hormones, and procedures and all the bull crap that is going to have to happen to do surrogate.

I know they say that "This that does not break you makes you stronger", but what if it has broke me, what if I can't get stronger?

New Year

Well I had that stomach bug that has been going around for New Year's Eve.. I hope that doesn't mean that I will be sick all of this year too... You know the saying what you do on New Year's Eve is how the next year will be... I hope not!!!!

2010 I had enough sickness for a whole group of people and I don't want to have another bad year... 2008, 2009, and 2010 have well in a nice way of putting it Sucked!!!!! I sure hope that God has better things in store for me in 2011. My hubby did take good care of me last night.  I do have a good Husband not many Men would be able to deal with all that we have dealt with and still be in love with their wife. So I Thank God every day that I have him.

I have done a lot of thinking as for my friends. You really do find out who your friends are when you are down and out. The ones that are always there for you to help pick you up and keep you positive on those days where you really just want to bury your head and hide. I know that life is not suppose to be easy, and that it isn't fair but I still pray for a fair hand in this game called life. I still can't help but think am I that bad of a person... I can't have any children, I can't work due to my messed up leg, I have blood clots and there is nothing they can do about them, nobody can seem to tell me WHY I am this way. Why I am the one who has to deal with hit after hit after hit of bad news and there are other people in the world and who I know that have nothing but good things for them.
They have a great job, healthy, a wonderful family (children), house and etc.... I want those things, I want to have a family, a house of my own, HEALTH so that I could go back to work.... But no I have to struggle my whole life has been that way... I am getting tried of struggling and I am not sure if I can keep on doing it.

I know that I will have to Pray for Strength and I am but I just don't know......